Alone, Together: The Paradox of Suffering
There are many common refrains of the tortured.
“No one will ever understand my pain.”
“Life is always easier for everyone else.”
“People wouldn’t get it. I’m alone.”
It’s an easy trap to get stuck in. A trap that I’ve also found myself bound by at times. Yet, I’ve realised there’s something paradoxical about suffering. You’re both alone in your pain, and at the same time surrounded by fellow travellers who suffer with you.
You are alone in your pain because there isn’t anyone here to save you. This isn’t some trite, cliché, tough love motivational speech. It’s a simple truth. It’s not because no one wants to save you. You may have friends or family who care about you with all of their hearts. They may see you suffer and wish to deliver you from your terrible circumstance.
The truth is that no one can save you.
No one can actually change the texture of your mind for you. No one can build healthy habits for you. No one can bring you to peace. No one can heal you.
Only you can. Even if you have a therapist, a mentor or a friend, the best they can do is support and guide you. Ultimately, the responsibility of picking yourself up and walking towards the light rests with you.
I was watching a street interview with a young woman, talking about one of her old friends.
“She just made me feel…like I wasn’t enough.”
This might sound harsh, but no one can make you feel anything. The truth stings — we make ourselves suffer. You select whether something is worth listening to, or valid or truthful for you. You can pick your path on this adventure. You can choose strength, you can choose peace, and you can choose healing.
This is the scary part about being alone in your pain with no one to save you. It means that the responsibility for overcoming suffering rests solely with you. It’s scary at first, but in time, this truth is empowering.
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Humans are adept at identifying consistent patterns. This is an adaptive trait that serves us in navigating the world. Although, as we know, this mechanism can be led astray. There’s the idea that because something has been a source of pain in the past, that it will remain this way in the future. However, there are no set rules here. There’s nothing written in reality that says that this is the case. You can pick any response to adversity — it’s all up to you.
This is how you’re alone in your suffering. You, and you alone, must select your response to suffering to overcome it.
The other side of the coin is that you’re never truly alone in your suffering.
Your suffering is not so unique that there hasn’t been another human who has walked your path before. If you could read minds, you would be astonished by how similar your insecurities and fears are to others.
I’ve met enormous bodybuilders who didn’t think they were big enough. I’ve met Instagram influencers who were afraid they weren’t liked. I’ve met incredible artists that have doubted their skill. I’ve met multi-millionaires with the same worries as the Mum & Dad next door.
What I’m trying to say is that you aren’t that special. No! Not like that! There is of course a unique and special potential within you that you must work to unlock and share with the world. What I mean is that the negativity within you is not all that unique.
Suffering is a part of the human experience. So much so, that the mind is almost a negativity-seeking machine. It’s an adaptation that would have saved the lives of our ancestors. Spotting potential negative events would have been the difference between life and death.
Yet this adaptation has become warped in the modern era. Our brains are still trying to pattern recognise for negativity. Thus, we end up finding negativity wherever we look. Therefore, your suffering isn’t unique. Rather, it’s an unintended consequence of being human.
Instead of looking for predators, the negativity-seeking in our minds searches for tamer threats. We question if we’re doing enough or if we are enough. We worry about whether people care about us or see us. We worry about whether we will succeed or not. To overcome these ideas is a silent rite of passage that no one speaks about. It’s rare that people you meet speak of their struggles and how they overcame them. Therefore, everyone is under the impression that the rest of the world has it all figured out.
I don’t know how much peace this knowledge may bring you on a personal level. For me, I find that it helps to humanise the idols in our culture who appear to have it all figured out. It brings them back down to earth. I’ve seen some of them up close. They’re all just human, like you and I. They suffer in the same ways as everybody else.
I’ve noticed that by being open and vulnerable with my struggle, this invites others to do the same. I’m not saying this is easy. But it’s a way to literally (instead of figuratively) not be alone in your struggles. Since the types of suffering are so universal, you’re bound to find fellow travellers on the same journey.
Even if you don’t find friends that struggle with you, know that myself and many others walk with you. Many have walked the path that you’re on and come out on the other side. So you can too. The adversity and triumphs you face will echo throughout space and time. Your story will inform those that will come after you. Just like I hope the wisdom I’ve gained from my struggle has helped you. Even if you feel alone, your pain is shared with the human collective. We’re all with you.
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