Note: Anger, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, pride and sloth. Whether or not committing one of these sins will destine you to an eternity stoking Satan’s furnace is up for debate but one thing’s for sure, committing them in a relationship may leave you all alone and out in the cold. In this seven-part series, writer Michael Kerr explores each of the seven deadly sins and why they’re bad for couples.
The Seven Deadly Relationship Sins: Sloth
“You must avoid sloth, that wicked siren.” — Horace
I’ll admit it—I almost didn’t get around to writing this piece. My deadline seems irrelevant now that summer has finally come to Portland. The rare blue sky inspires me to chuck my MacBook in favor of lazy days sipping iced Americanos in the sunshine. I wonder what my friends are doing. I’d better check Facebook to find out. Just as I suspected, they’re all lounging near swimming pools, lakes or rivers sipping colorful beverages. Jerks. Don’t they have jobs? Uh oh, now my stomach is rumbling. It must be getting close to lunchtime. 11:23. Okay, I have 27 minutes to decide what I’m going to eat. Maybe I can concentrate better if I close my eyes. I’d better lie down for this.
What was I talking about? Oh, right, sloth. The online dating website eHarmony recently did a survey of its members and found laziness to be in the top ten “can’t stands” for both men and women when it comes to a potential mate. Women (who ranked slothful partners at number nine on their least desirable list) are “looking for a partner who has some ambition, drive, passion and energy,” says the site. For men, a lazy partner was only slightly less tolerable, making the list at number ten. According to eHarmony, “being in a relationship with a couch potato can get old fast”—for both sexes. In an interview with another online dating giant Match.com, Natasha Burton, co-author of The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags and relationship editor at Glo.com called laziness one of the biggest deal-breakers in a relationship. “Laziness connotes a lack of ambition as well as a lack of commitment and intention for life itself—which, for me, can be very unattractive.”
Video games are one activity that has shown great promise in getting the slothful motivated. Unfortunately, it’s also an activity that is increasingly cited as a destroyer of relationships. A 2012 study by Brigham Young University put it more mildly, saying online gaming is linked to “marital dissatisfaction.” And what extreme dissatisfaction it is. Researchers surveyed 349 couples in which at least one of the partners played a massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG) such as World of Warcraft, and the findings were incontrovertible. A full three quarters of “gaming widows” said their partner’s game play was putting a strain on the marriage. Sixty five percent said they often fight with their spouse about his or her game playing. Neil Lundberg, one of the study’s authors, believes the problem may be even worse than the numbers suggest. “Interested spouses would say things like ‘I would love for my husband to take this survey, but there’s no way he’ll get off the computer long enough to take it.’ … You don’t want to take a survey on marital satisfaction when you’re on the verge of divorce,” he says.
Often, sloth isn’t laziness at all. Research suggests that sloth has its roots in fear and anxiety. Many people are afraid of doing poorly, looking stupid or being judged and, so, instead of facing challenges they shut down and zone out instead. That lack of motivation, inattentiveness and distractedness may be a sign of an underlying psychological disorder such as depression or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (A.D.H.D.) say experts. “Regular life is hard, and [online], you’re offered a simpler alternative,” says Sherry Turkle, a social studies of science and technology professor at MIT. “It starts to feel gratifying,” she notes. A person with A.D.H.D. is often easily overwhelmed and may retreat to a television, computer or video games to calm his or her mind. “It’s not because they’re lazy or they don’t love their spouse, but because they are distracted,” says Melissa Orlov, author of the book The A.D.H.D. Effect on Marriage. If the root cause of sloth is a mental disorder, it can often take time for a couple to sort it out. Treatments for both depression and A.D.H.D. usually begin with medication, but typically also require talk or cognitive behavioral therapy—especially when a marriage is at stake.
Awareness of the underlying psychological basis is the first step to getting past sloth. Other things the slothful can do to get motivated:
• Rely on reasonable time management techniques that are both flexible and reward-based (Huge “to-do” lists are often counter-productive because they increase anxiety)
• Set goals: Write down positive reasons for engaging in tasks
• Be realistic: Don’t set unreasonable goals (they’ll just undermine you)
• Break it down: pursue small goals at first (before you know it you’ll be tackling big ones)
That’s it. You’re on your own. Now that I’m finished with that, I’m going to need a nap.
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