Healthy place - In Jesus name

My mind raced, adrenaline coursed through my veins, I was livid but mindful and remained level headed. Stressed, drained emotionally, mentally but yet spiritually lately I have been uplifted, diving deeper into God’s word, surrounding myself and almost relying too much on those around me. Grateful they are strong when I’ve been broken down, defeated and feel like giving up. I have come to accept it, being where I’m at. I am far from being where I want to be but have an idea and goals on how to get there. I’m sick and tired but not playing the victim I know I’m fighting an uphill battle, my opponent (only because they have turned themselves into one,) I feel as if they are coming unraveled, lies, mischeviousness and proof has began to shine through. Believing in God’s promises. Sticking with using living as best as possible, still affected by a dark cloud holding fast to blocking out doubt, testing anything, clarifying and drawing a straight line to try and nail out these solutions. I have about 100 things I need to get done, 1000 things I’d like to do, some limitations holding me back but I still believe. Hard choices to make, sometimes to difficult but I think I’m getting there. This is more than me and now my opponent has just made it truly ridiculous. Somehow my words, my opinions, my actions, my mental state, my character and so much more get lumped into one solid corner where I’m backed into, just trying to survive, maintain, live with purpose and beaten down again. I have taken it, passively, aggressively and have learned to communicate, understand (as best as I can,) feeling somewhat controlled into trying to become a mold in which I can not. Rebuilding, relearning, retaining the lessons of the past. Am I not getting somewhere good to become an ally once again in this battle. Was I ever an ally or was I always some sort of stepping stone for my opponent to defeat me? I’ve noticed my environment depends on positivity, creativity and a determination. In the past yes, I’ve had that but I have also lost that several times. There’s a great drive inside of me and now it’s as if, I’ve been overtaken and not for the good. Not a fan of micromanagement, someone controlling or unjust almost dictatorships. When you don’t have the right to choose, it’s the worst, this isn’t freedom, this is not love, this is not compassion, not understanding, I’m not the bad guy here. So I read God’s word, surround myself with good people, cast fear aside, Today is a new day and another chance for victory, being mindful and knowing no, I’m not crazy, I’m a terrific person. Yeah, I can’t sleep but that’s cause I have to get everything off my mind… and fast, thoughts don’t control me and building new and better habits I plan on doing here, in the new year. Journaling, asking for help, seeking out answers, work/life balance, setting goals and sticking with them! Thanks again for the most amazing revalations 2016! 2015 had been a grueling upset, guess I should’ve asked for clarification on a few more things. Asked for more help where I had been weak and kept my nose to the grindstone even when I felt like things weren’t working. Things will only become different if I can only just live for the day, continue to be open and truthful and see that I’m still on the path. When the opponent rears that nasty head and comes to play games, spread lies and plans to do harm. I’ll be ready, I’ll be focused and I WILL not fear. My God has plans, to prosper me and do no harm. He’s given me amazing gifts, talents and has personally chosen me! I ask in prayer and believe I have received it everyday! Yes, I’m a sinner, yes I have many flaws but my God forgives and makes my brokenness into something much more powerful! This I can say without a doubt!

I feel alone but I know I’m not alone. I am not of this world because this world can be wicked but it’s where I’m at and everyday I will try my best to serve, be more selfless, create or breathe action into goals to be grateful of who I am, how much blessings surround me throughout the day. To say, Thank you more. Smile! Draw healthy boundaries and draw on wisdom praying and seeking a just and righteous path. Choosing the high road. In Jesus name I ask that all demons that surround any friends, family or myself scatter back to the fires of hell and that angels surround to protect.

I feel as though I have everything but nothing at all. I feel so empty yet so full. I feel so broken… but healed.

Make me an instrument of your peace Lord!

Make me an instrument to do your will!

I still and never was able to do it on my own. Breathe your word into me, so my heart is full. Speak your words with my tounge. Touch my life and make me fully yours.

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