My Rainbow Flags (Part 2)
Signs I should have known I was gay before I came out
The foup on My Rainbow Flags (Part 1).
🏳️🌈 My formative pop culture
You don’t really need to know more than the fact that the first album I owned was Savage Garden, my first concert was Nelly Furtado (though I’d tell you it was Third Eye Blind if you asked), and I‘ve been able to quote every line in You’ve Got Mail since age 11, but I’ll elaborate anyway because I love chit chattin’ with you so much.
MUSIC
I find the random core memories from my childhood that pertain to the pop culture I’d devour in secret so funny.
- Sneaking into my sister’s room and absolutely jamming to “Spice Up Your Life” on her boombox.
- SCOURING all of Internet Explorer’s crevices for the Backstreet Boys music video for “The Call” pre-YouTube.
- Seeing the music video for my favorite song, “I Want You” by Savage Garden, and having this indescribable feeling that it was… different. Semi-naughty, even! Turns out the song is literally about “…being in love with a male energy, and waking up and feeling sad that I knew there was a part of me that was missing.” per this article in Billboard. Gaydar 💯 vibes.
- Secretly watching the music videos for “Alejandro” and “Telephone” on repeat that one summer they came out (what a bounty that was!).
- The way in which Britney’s red jumpsuit transcended the traditional idea of a “memory” and sort of just became a thing where I don’t remember life before it… does that make sense?
Favorites included: Britney, Christina, Jessica, Mandy Moore, NSYNC/BSB, Nelly Furtado, the Mamma Mia soundtrack, Spice Girls, Carrie Underwood, Ke$ha, S Club 7, Carrie Underwood, animated Hercules soundtrack, Savage Garden, and Ke$ha.
MOVIES
Growing up with a sister and mostly female friends was actually a closeted boy’s dream because I got to benefit from their movie collections. I would pretend to be really annoyed by having to watch their rom coms, while inside I was a giddy little church mouse.
Favorites included: You’ve Got Mail, Bring It On, Mean Girls, The Hot Chick, Heartbreakers, Sugar and Spice, Drive Me Crazy, 10 Things I Hate About You, Sugar & Spice, Cheetah Girls, High School Musical 2, Donny Osmond’s Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, etc.
🏳️🌈 I wore husky jeans as a kid
To this day, the word “husky” triggers me.
I can’t explain this one with scientific proof per se, but I just FEEL the husky-jeans-wearing-closeted-gay-kid to gay adult pipeline is real. I have had many conversations about this AND feel like I see it on Twitter, so in my mind I’m convinced there’s some truth to it (…I’m more of a feelings guy than a numbers guy).
While my husky jeans as a rainbow flag theory might not hold much weight (lolz) in terms of scientific support, there are some studies that suggest gay and bisexual men experience higher rates of body dysmorphia than their straight counterparts. If there are any allies out there that are curious as to why this might be, just ask to borrow your gay friend’s phone and look at the shirtless torsos filling up their Instagram “explore” page.
All I’m saying is that based on the number of gays I’ve met that grew up h*sky — along with the aforementioned daily exposure to unrealistic body expectations that everyone in the community is constantly bombarded with — it does not surprise me that we would index higher for having problems associated body image as adults.
I could be stretching more than the waistline on a pair of Old Navy children's husky jeans on this one, but as I said, I’m a feelings guy.
🏳️🌈 I lived my life on “Private Session”
You know how you can go click “Private Session” on Spotify so none of your followers can see what you’re listening to? That’s more or less how I lived my life — not just with the music I listened to, but for lots of things.
If I could revisit my childhood home and wave a magic wand that suddenly gave my basement walls the ability to speak, I’d imagine that they would, in perfect unison, say:
From binging America’s Next Top Model marathons on VH1 to my weekly Tuesday night ritual of watching back-to-back Sex and the City episodes on TBS, my basement served as a cavernous haven for me to sneakily watch things that boys my age probably “shouldn’t” enjoy watching — by heteronormative standards anyways.
The most telling rainbow flag from that basement has got to be my profound and absolute love of High School Musical 2.
Not only did I have my bestie, Anne, burn me a copy of the soundtrack for the CD case (remember those lol) in my car labeled “Best of Jay Z” in sharpie to throw passengers off the trail, I also spent a considerable amount of time learning all of the dances from the Disney Channel special that I had recorded on VHS.
Just me… alone… in the little TV room… learning silly little moves that I could probably still perform on command if someone were to queue up “All for One.” It’s somehow on YouTube if you’d like a clearer mental picture.
As a closeted adult, I missed my safe space of a basement. Instead of having my own TV to watch what I wanted with no one being any the wiser, I had to worry about my friends seeing my view history on shared streaming service apps.
I got so nervous about watching Looking on my friend’s HBO account because I was so worried that he would find out and he would out me when I wasn’t even out to myself. When I finally did come out, this was one of the first things I watched with my newfound sense of absolute freedom because I finally could without any shame.
🏳️🌈 I was all about girl power(s)
My platonic love for girlies growing up extended well beyond the ones I played Barbies with. In any video game, movie, cartoon, etc. you can bet that my favorite character or go-to player was a badass woman.
X-Men
The very first celebrity crush I can remember was Halle Berry as Storm in X-Men (2000). Looking back, it’s clear that the crush was not on Halle Berry, it was on there being an IRL Storm (though I was thrilled to have an answer locked and loaded for when I was inevitably asked about my celeb crush). She was always my favorite in the animated series because of her powers and all of those supremely extra speeches. Rogue and Jubilee were close behind.
Sailor Moon
A group of anime girlies who have a transformation sequence that starts with getting their nails painted (still gives me goosebumps), have signature planet powers, and fight baddies in knee-high boots and heels? Fuck me upppp. While I’ve always claimed to be a Jupiter, I know deep down that I’m actually a Mercury — and honestly? It sucks.
Power Rangers
Kimberly is an obvious favorite, but I think Trini is the sleeper of the whole show. I still get chills thinking of when she’s morphing and belts out “Sabretooth Tiger!” No does it like Trini!!
Mortal Kombat
Whether I was blowing death kisses from Sonya Blade, slicing and dicing with Kitana’s fan blades, or whipping around some poor bastard with Sindel’s hair, I fought almost exclusively with women characters. FINISH ME, Sindel!
Watchmen
During my sophomore year of college, I had a poster of Malin Ackerman dressed as Silk Spectre in my bedroom in the fraternity house I lived in. The strategy behind this was flawless because by having her on my wall the passersby would think that I wanted her, while I secretly got to enjoy the fact that I just wanted to be her.
Other Movies & Video Games
- Devon Aoki in 2 Fast 2 Furious
- Wanda in every Marvel property she’s in
- Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy in Batman & Robin
- Peach/Toad for Mario Kart and Pipsy/Tiptop (major Toad vibes) in Diddy Kong Racing
- Amy in the Sonic games
- Xenia in Goldeneye 64
🏳️🌈 I don’t know what to call this one exactly, but I definitely know it’s a rainbow flag
I could have not written Parts 1 & 2 and just posted this video.
Little MerMichael truly warms my heart tbh. He just wants to be a mermaid!!!
That’s all the rainbow flags I can think of right now, though I’m sure I will have random core memories unlocked in the near future that will only add to the list.
Like I said at the beginning of Part 1, I don’t necessarily think that having an interest in any one thing makes a person queer, but when listed out like this, I feel confident saying that the signs were there for me!
I’m genuinely thrilled that I am at a place where I can look back at these rainbow flags and laugh my ass off about them without feeling remorse for the time lost.
Well, most of the time.
Having come out at 28 years old, it can be very easy to let my mind take me down the rabbit hole of sadness and regret about not having come out sooner despite all of the evidence I just laid out.
Fortunately, I’ve gotten pretty good at pulling myself out of it quickly.
Whenever I do find myself going down the rabbit hole, I remind myself of something that undoubtedly overpowers the feeling of regret.
I remind myself that I did what I TRULY never thought I would do for my entire life, which was come out at all, and the regret is replaced by the most unreal sense of relief and yeah… pride.
Did any of these resonate with you? Do you also subscribe to my husky jeans as a rainbow flag theory? Share yours in the comments!
🏳️🌈 Honorable mention
- I had a well documented Aperol Spritz obsession pre-coming out
- I adopted a cockapoo for the hottest of seconds when I was 23
- I have good handwriting
- My first car was a Jeep Liberty
- That period in my life where I was obsessed with Detroit’s WNBA team, the Detroit Shock
- I used to make those animals out of beads and ribbons —remember those!?
- Howie Dorough was my favorite Backstreet Boy
- Bulbasaur was my favorite starter Pokémon
- I became a SoulCycle girlie while still in the closet
