5 Steps to Safe Guns on Campus

In the coming year, several state legislatures will consider proposals for legalizing guns on campus, joining states like Idaho, Texas, and Tennessee, where concealed carrying of firearms by college freshmen and tenured faculty alike are okeedokee. Citizens know that college can be a pressure-cooker — how can we insure safety for the long haul in our gun-friendly culture?

Proponents of these bills tout increased safety for women and other potential victims of violence, and argue that allowing guns in classrooms, cafeterias, and dormitory residences will have no negative effect on higher education’s mission. Opponents argue that instead of paying attention to their professors or their phones, students will be distracted by their need to suss out what brands of guns their classmates are carrying, and how big they are. There’s also the argument that guns on campus will create a risk to general campus safety.

With a little understanding and a few tweaks, both sides can come together to do what’s right. Here, then, are five steps to insure guns on campus will be used safely, and in a way that doesn’t distract students from their studies.

1. There’s no denying that college students are under immense pressure as they strive to become adults, and that many use alcohol to relieve that pressure. Some are away from parental supervision for the first time in their lives, and it’s not uncommon to see these types go bat-shit crazy over their new freedom to stay out late and party til they puke and pass out drunk. Everyone knows guns and alcohol don’t mix. The simple solution here, especially in fraternity settings, is for students to self-police and assign a “Designated Shooter” at every keg party. “Designated Shooter” is such a cool title, there will be no shortage of volunteers. The DS will secure all guns under his personal control, avoiding the temptation to pound down a quick one or to sneak off into a quiet corner for a blow-job.

2. Similarly, romantic relationships can be quite intense in the hormonal hotbed of college. Some opponents argue that strong emotions can lead to violence. To protect against this possibility, campuses can employ disposable prostitutes and stock their libraries with hard-core porn. Young men will be so entranced by these opportunities for anonymous, commitment-free sex that the sort of intense romantic relationships that inspire strong emotions will become a thing of the past.

3. But what about general knowledge of firearm safety? Campus administrators fear that untrained gun-toters will cause accidents. Not surprisingly, the solution is early education. Students should begin carrying weapons while in high school, if not earlier, where gun safety can be easily incorporated into the curriculum. Even better, allow children to carry guns in elementary school — they’ve already proved themselves to be safer than adults. Of the 40,494 Americans killed or injured by guns in 2015, children under 18 accounted for only 3,389 of those deaths and injuries. Also in 2015, only 265 children accidentally shot someone, out of the total 1,967 accidental shootings reported. Clearly, children have a knack for gun safety. (*Note: these numbers don’t include the usual 22,000 annual suicides by gun.)

4. Finally, let’s put the distraction issue to rest. It’s true that students may be distracted by the guns other children are sporting, and whether their guns are as shiny and big as the gun carried by the child who sits next to him in class or who showers with him in the locker room. We can learn something from schools that instituted mandatory uniforms, and require parents to buy one particular brand and model of gun so all children will be equal. Like the proper institution of school uniforms, this policy will help curb violence, foster a better learning environment or promote discipline. I suggest the Sig Sauer P938, a small, lightweight, concealable hand cannon that can easily be tucked in to a holster under a shirt or jacket, or carried inside a My Little Pony back pack.

5. There are about 300 million privately owned guns in the United States, one for every man, woman, and child. It’s time to let them out of the closet, and fully integrate them into all aspects of American life, including the educational environment.

I have not the least personal interest in promoting this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country. I own no shares in Sig Sauer, as it’s a privately held company, and I have no children who will benefit from this proposal; all my offspring are past college age and living abroad for personal reasons.