When Gramma Fudge Has Milk And Takes Too Long

Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash

Gramma Basey had the famous fudge recipe. No other fudge ever tasted right. But the whole dairy thing kept it out of my life for most of my days. In an unfortunate twist of fate I somehow pass my allergy up the DNA line instead of down.

Suddenly Mom couldn’t have milk either. Maybe if I’d given her grandkids, the DNA sequencing would have sent it downstream like a normal family.

Last year I got all Kitchen Ambitious and made Gramma Fudge in a non-dairy way. It wasn’t bad. Wasn’t “quite right” but clearly it disappeared within days and was a hit to the tongue.

In the blur we call “recently” I decided it was time to make fudge again. But as 7pm rolls around, all ambition had completely disappeared. Chocolate cravings, however, had not.

Mom walks into the kitchen asking what I was making “fudge” was my answer. “fudge without the marshmallows”, I correct myself.

It’s been several days (weeks? months?) since, and I continue to be too lazy to make proper non-dairy fudge. I now make what I can only realistically call “Chocolate Soup”.

11 Easy Steps

Step 0: Now this won’t work without the proper container. The skies will decent and ascend in abject horror at your defiance. No one wants that.

Corelle Corningware

Step 1:
dump some white sugar into your vintage hook-teacup

honey will NOT fix your chocolate craving
it will taste good and you will sit there wishing you had eaten the chocolates in daddy’s famous Wagon Of Chocolate - the ones that make your tummy real real sad

this is no time for messing around with “healthy” alternatives, we’ve already taken milk off your plate this is a travesty in and of itself and all the cheese cows miss you so so terribly much

Step 2:
dump some baking chocolate powder into your vintage teacup

any kind will do, but some brands are very clumpy and will add too much time between your craving and chocolate soup in your mouth

Step 2a: (optional but recommended)
add one to two cranks of the salt grinder

just a tish to full-out the flavor

Step 3:
take your miniature egg whipping thingy (everyone has one of those, right?) and stir your cup until the bad clumppies decide to resume their powdery happy place

skipping this step will make for a texture nightmare, but if you just can’t wait, and don’t mind the mess, … no, don’t do it, make the clumppies disappear

Step 4:
this is where your vintage teacup shape is making the recipe its perfect proportion

pour coconut milk on top of your clump free happiness until right when you can’t see the happiness anymore

like a cloud, but I promise the rainbow is nigh

and by coconut milk I do NOT mean that giant milk container of 75 thousand ingredients; I mean the thick awesome full-fat one that say “thai coconut milk” and has coconut, water, guargum in it

do NOT mess around with alternatives; everything else is going to suck big ass donkey ballz and make your mouth very very sad

Step 4:
microwave for 30 seconds (800watt rig)
most of you prolly have a thousand watt rig, so 20 seconds should be plenty

Step 5:
stir your chocolate soup with your favorite spoon while you’re walking to the baking cupboard

do NOT skip this efficiency step
you do NOT want to wait one second extra for your rainbow

Step 6:
now is where you fully personalize your experience

vanilla extract
orange extract

cloves
allspice
cinnamon
ginger

whatever your spicy heart desires

or maybe you’re in a peppermint extract mood
or almond, or butterscotch, whatever your mouth craves

Step 7:
put everything away
trust me
you don’t want to mess around with post-chocolate Kitchen Blues
just take 2 seconds to put them all back

Step 8:
stir your thick rainbow chocolate delight while you head to your favorite chair, put on your favorite music/movie/cone of silence

Step 9:
savor every glorious bite

silly me, I almost forgot …

Step -1:
put on shoe-like objects, run up and down the driveway or apartment hallway 3 or 4 times

this step is Key to eliminating guilt

the entire purpose of Chocolate Soup is “Enjoy!”

Poetry, Stories, Lyrics. Enjoy neuroscience, outer space, and cinnamon rolls. Bodywork 2004–2018, databases & QA 1989–2006.

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