Quitting cigarettes has changed my entire life.
Do you smoke? Do you want to quit? Did you quit already? I feel you. I started smoking when I was 14 years old. I thought I was cool, all my friends did it, my older sister did it, and frankly, my mum did so, too. But of course, I was not cool. And it took me years to realize what I was doing to myself — but by then, I was unable to quit. Until I eventually did and everything changed. This is my story.
Fast forward a couple of years. I am 24 years old then. I live in my own apartment with a balcony. Instead of enjoying the sun out there, growing plants or having a delicious BBQ with friends, every trip to my balcony is torture. I almost exclusively step out there to “enjoy” a cigarette. Always conscious of what the neighbours might think. Do they judge me? Do they keep count of how many times I have followed my urges already today? I want to quit. I really, really want to quit. But I can’t.
A few times I make serious attempts. I watch videos, sign up for online programmes, listen to hypnosis, and download multiple apps. I might even manage for a few hours, but I always end up on the same balcony again and again. Ashamed, ridden by self-doubt and anxiety.
It gets so bad that I start to suffer from panic attacks. When I inhale deeply and something feels weird, I immediately think of lung cancer. Lower back pain? Sure must be my kidneys giving up under the amounts of nicotine they have to process. But that’s not all. I panic when I see my mum smoke. My younger sister (my older sister has exited the smoking-circle years ago), my friends and relatives. I cannot stop imagining them rotting away in some dark hospital place attached to tubes and cables some years from now. It is horrifying and still, I cannot quit. I try everything, even some tablets from the old eastern states that I import from the UK — Tabex they’re called. I quit for about a month until stress and false assumptions lure me right back into the nicotine trap.
One Wednesday night in June, I will never forget, I stand in my favourite spot on the balcony, light a cigarette — oh the last one in the pack — and inhale deeply. What if I simply not buy new ones? Could I last until the morning? I will probably stay awake for a few more hours. Just see how long I might last? Give it a go? In the past, I always wanted to end “clean”. Last cigarette right before bedtime so I wouldn’t have to suffer until the morning. Last cigarette must be the last in the pack. You can’t throw away a pack half-full, that would be a waste of money. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I pull out my phone, set the timer on my app and finish my cigarette. Guess how long I lasted this time?
It’s been more than 1,5 years now and I miss nothing. The mere thought of inhaling smoke provokes my gag reflex now. I can’t even remember how cigarettes taste like. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind smokers around me — as long as they keep some distance and I don’t have to inhale the warm smoke myself. The way I perceive the smell of smoke, the aroma of cigarettes themselves, has changed dramatically. And so have I.
Everyone wanted to know how I did it. How did I go from almost a full pack a day to zero? Just like that? What was my secret? Honestly? I have no idea. I don’t know what made this time so different from all the other tries. At first, it was an awkward experience. I had all those habits and rituals formed around cigarettes — what am I supposed to do at a bus stop now? While waiting for a plane? A train? How do I know it is time to take a break? What goes with my coffee? Even months later, the thought of having a cigarette would randomly pop up in my mind. My hands and mouth felt empty at times but there was always that one thought that would continuously run through my head:
Push through. Don’t ever quit quitting.
And that’s what I did. I pushed through all the doubts. Pushed through the first time among smokers, the first stressful situations and the first alcohol-soaked nights. I quit smoking and the days passed, then a month, and now it has been more than a year.
I gained back my self-confidence, became obsessed with the science behind habit building and behaviours. I swapped countries, started studying again and now am about to lunch an online-business around the topics of habit-building and behavioural sciences. Quitting smoking has truly changed my life. I would have never been able to gather all the courage and strength to turn my life around so drastically if I would have not been able to take this first step. To find a reason, to believe in myself again.
Every time when self-doubt tries to take over my mind, I get back to this Wednesday night. I remember, how many times I cried on my balcony over my inability to quit what was killing me. This is what keeps me going and what makes the foundation of my newfound passion. I want to help people build better lives, reach whatever they dream of and show them, all you have to do is
PUSH THROUGH YOUR DOUBTS.
They are just thoughts that will pass eventually.
If I can do it, so can you.
PS. My mom, my sisters, my stepfather and many of my friends have managed to say good-bye to the ugly habit as well.
