How to Forgive Someone Who’s Hurt You
I will never forgive you for this. These are biting words from the ego, intended to project our pain onto the person who caused it. They are often spoken in a desperate attempt to reject the circumstances. They show anger, but are birthed from pain.
How could you do this to me? These are words that fall out of the mouth in disbelief, the outcome of the heart and mind clashing. They are also spoken in an attempt to reject a new reality.
In response to pain some people run away, some numb out, some turn on themselves, and others lash out in anger. When we’re hurt, our deepest wounds are triggered. As painful as it is, these experiences can teach us immensely about ourselves, and so can the process of forgiveness.
We are all walking around hurting one another. Sometimes we can’t deal with our own pain so we act unconsciously and, in turn, deeply hurt those we care about. Other times we have to choose to let someone go because their presence in our lives no longer serves us. I have had to release many people throughout my life because we were moving down different paths.
ALTHOUGH THE WAY WE HANDLE THESE SITUATIONS MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE IN THE HEALING PROCESS, THEY BOTH PRODUCE PAIN AND REQUIRE THE PAINED PERSON TO FIND FORGIVENESS.
Forgiveness is a concept that seems to be elusive for many of us, and it’s because we’re often trying to understand it with the mind. Here are a few things to consider and practice if you want to learn to forgive:
You have to want to forgive.
It’s important to acknowledge that refusing to forgive someone hurts us and not the other person. Often times when we have an inability to forgive it’s because we want to hurt the other person the way they’ve hurt us. It can also be because we’re afraid to let go. The first step to forgiving is seeing that it’s essential for your own healing.
Everyone is doing the best they can.
No matter the situation, the person who hurt you is doing the best they can. Most people don’t intentionally hurt others. Those who do, do so because they are in deep pain themselves. Continuing to come back to this truth is the foundation for forgiveness. It helps us see their humanity instead of demonizing them. When I am hurt by someone I don’t allow myself to speak or think negatively about them. Instead I try to understand what would make them make the choices they have made, and I trust that they are doing what is best for them or what they feel they need to do.
Accept that you can only control you.
When you surrender to this fact of life it brings the focus back to you. When someone has caused us pain we often feel disempowered. There is always something for us to see in ourselves in every relational situation, even if it’s just 1%. Look at that part. Learn what you can about yourself and grow. You can only control who you are and your response to circumstances. Choose who you want to be instead of focusing on how someone else wasn’t who you wanted them to be.
Send them love and light.
Once you’re able to hold the above perspectives you can begin to act on your pain. One technique I like is to send the person who has hurt me love and light. I sit in meditation, and then I imagine the person’s heart opening and their body radiating with light and love. A friend of mine uses another powerful technique where you imagine the person standing in front of you, your heart sending them love, and them sending you even more love back. It’s a great exercise for you to understand that love is abundant. If you give love it comes back to you even more. Your love is unlimited.
Say it out loud.
When I need to forgive someone I simply say the words out loud as often as possible, “I forgive you, NAME.” I am imagine them being completely happy and at peace with themselves, which is what I ultimately want for every human being. At first you’ll feel a lot of resistance if you’re holding on to the pain tightly. Over time you’ll begin to feel yourself allowing forgiveness to occur. The words flow more easily. You’ll feel lighter as you say it. You can also imagine your heart opening as you say the words and can send the person love while you’re reciting the mantra.
Let them go.
The resistance to forgiveness is caused because we’re refusing to release pain. I will often say out loud, “I release you, NAME.” When I begin to place my awareness on them or the painful situation I ask myself whether or not this is necessary. There is a healthy part of healing and processing pain, but there is also the obsessive mind that wants to hold on and relive all of the negativity. When it’s not serving you, bring the focus back to you, allow yourself to let go, and focus on the amazing life you deserve.
It’s a process.
Sometimes the pain feels so deep that we can’t imagine how we can ever forgive. It’s important to remember that forgiveness is a process. Healing is a process. We make progress. We think we’ve forgiven, and suddenly we’re in a place of pain again. It’s ok. Begin the process of forgiveness all over again. Let it be.
Although we’d rather live pain-free lives, these experiences are huge opportunities for our own growth if we allow them to be. When we decide to process our pain, to reflect on ourselves, and to release those who have hurt us, we make tremendous leaps in our own transformation.
Breathwork is a powerful tool to release stuck energy and limiting beliefs standing in the way of our forgiveness. To experience it for yourself and begin your own process of forgiveness join my Introduction to Breathwork virtual workshop.
