Here’s What I Want for Mother’s Day

It’s not what you think

I want a day at the spa, a clean house, a five-course dinner prepared for me and placed on a perfectly pressed tablecloth and …

Nah. Just kidding.

Give me something I can use.

You know how all the gift guides say that you shouldn’t buy Mom vacuum cleaners and power tools for Mother’s Day? Well, that doesn’t apply to me.

One year, I specifically asked for a Shark vacuum. You want to know why? Because my husband is going to clean the house on Mother’s Day. But who is going to clean the house the rest of the year? Hint: it’s not him or the four-year-old.

I needed that vacuum with every fiber of my being. Do you know what it’s like to use a Shop-Vac on dirty dog carpet for months because your old vacuum broke? It’s not pleasant, folks. Not pleasant at all. So, I asked and I received.

But then people got all judgey on him. “OMG, why did you buy her a vacuum? You’re the worst husband ever.”

Um, no. He’s the best. He got me what I wanted. If he had given me a diamond ring, I would have demanded that he take it back and buy me a brand new Rainbow with every attachment they’ve ever made.

So, when I say I want a blender, that means I want a blender. Simple enough.

One year, I desperately wanted some power tools. Not so I could build stuff, but so I could destroy stuff. And destroy I did. I demolitioned the you-know-what out of the ugly fence in our yard. And I loved every second it.

I tried my hand at building a bench with some of those power tools, but you can only sit on it with half your weight, with both feet firmly planted on completely level ground.

Demolition is where it’s at.

Speaking of demolition, I want a chainsaw this Mother’s Day. I have some trees to chop!

The runner-up gift for this year is a garbage disposal. I would love, love, love to be able to use both sides of my sink. I tried to fix the old garbage disposal myself, but for an idea of how that went, see the part above about the bench I built. (If you don’t feel like scrolling, I’ll just tell you: I broke it.)

Don’t get me wrong, jewelry and flowers are nice. But what can you really do with jewelry and flowers? I only bust out my nice jewelry on our annual date nights. Cut flowers get all wilty and then I forget to dump them, so I end up with six dirty vases on my kitchen counter that I’ll wash “some day.”

Give me something practical. If it makes my job easier, or allows me to destroy things with precision, then I’ll be happy.

P.S. Chainsaws and garbage disposals make excellent just-because-I-love-you gifts, too. Hint, hint.

P.P.S. Every woman is different, so don’t come crying to me when your wife puts you in the dog house for buying her a chainsaw for Mother’s Day. But I can give you my address, you know, just in case the store won’t take it back.