I tried. I don’t think there is an equivalent.
I confess to swearing in a response just before I responded to your post. It seemed like the only appropriate word at the time. Some words just don’t have suitable replacements under certain circumstances.
I don’t always use my nice words in real life, but I try to use curse words sparingly or not at all in my writing because I don’t want to limit my audience, and for the reasons you mentioned in the article.