I have both adored and struggled with the concept of becoming.
My adoration for it has come from the realisation that it is possible. That I can evolve and come into who I believe I was designed to be, as opposed to taking on all the personas, titles and labels assigned to me whether from a place of ‘love’ or control.
Previously I was too afraid to look within and in turn look ahead. Looking within, or being introspective, would mean seeing the buried parts of me…it would mean pressing pause on the pretence. And that can be tough when who you pretend to be and who you are begin to marry. Not because the former is ever so powerful that it subdues the latter, but rather because the lie is often more pleasurable than the truth so it is easier to embody. Easier, not easy.
But alas I discovered to forge ahead you are usually required you to look within. To discover first, what tools you have for the marathon — before looking around elsewhere.
My struggle with becoming is rooted in my desire for perfection.
Perfection; the state of being perfect. How does one become if one has arrived? Perfection is absolute — lacking in no good thing. Becoming denotes growth, progression, evolution.
A friend asked me this weekend, how do you measure your arrival on your journey of becoming? I couldn’t answer. Part of the beauty of becoming/evolving is that it is constant, which strangely is painful to accept if you are a perfectionist.
Through our conversation I was able to understand that looking through the lens of a perfectionist doesn’t allow you to appreciate this constant journey of becoming and all the things that aid that process.
Many times I’ve felt frustrated because not only do I want to arrive at a perfect state, I also want the journey there to be perfect. I want the path of becoming to look a certain way and to ‘make sense’. And when it doesn’t, it’s easy for me to feel like I’m not evolving or growing or moving towards the best version of myself.
But here’s what I’m grateful to have discovered; Every detour, every heartbreak, every failed friendship, every wrong choice, every moment of pure joy, every painful period of confusion somehow plays a part in the discovery and evolution of you. No experience is wasted — even if it doesn't make sense to you my fellow perfectionist.
So I’m learning to drop the pursuit of perfection and adopt the willingness to grow, to adapt, to be resilient. I’m willing to allow what I may not like to work for me.
p.s if you can, I’d love you to listen to this song but imagine you are singing these words to yourself…to who you are becoming. :)
Bless the broken road — Rascal Flatts