Be Willing to Live Without Knowing
Mid-year musings from a page in a journal
Author’s note: this post was inspired by a personal journal entry dated May 19, 2017. The purpose? To serve as a reference point and acknowledgment of where she’s been — and where she’s at. Spoiler alert: not much has changed, aside from her attitude on how to live life.
I’m feeling a bit chaotic in my own body right now and this seems the most fitting place to get grounded. I’ve quite literally, been running around my 500 square foot apartment, hands in the air, like a wildly insane woman, in spandex pants.
Let’s hang on to that visual for a moment — just for fun.
Been living in my head a lot and it’s hard to want to get up and leave my apartment. Not in the, “I’m gonna sit here and binge watch Master of None, Season 2,” kind of way, but in the, “I should be more responsible with my time by doing X, Y, and Z,” instead. And so on, and so forth.
A paralyzing feeling that doesn’t get us anywhere.
There’s something lurking during this particular moment in time. The one I’ve caught wind of for most of 2017 and a good chunk of 30. An impatience, with myself, as to why I haven’t yet arrived at the place I’m meant to be.
Shit. Has my yoga teacher been lying to me the ENTIRE time?
I’ve experienced this game of real-life ping pong with myself (and others) time and time again. Experiencing the magic spark of enlightenment and brief, inspirational, clarity, only to come back down, hard, to planet Earth.
Dear friends, welcome to the rest of our lives — the great Unknown.
And here’s some more spoiler alerts: the moment will never be right. Nor will the city we find ourselves in, the (wo)man, or the work gig. Hate to break it to you, but someone’s gotta do it.
The truth of the matter is we will never really know anything, for sure; and so, we must simply choose — for ourselves. And our attitude towards the choice we make is everything.
Take a break trying to be anything else other than who you already are. Stop trying to impress people you don’t care about, or living life on the fast-track to somewhere else. Let’s pause to enjoy this wild and exciting ride, shall we?
So often, what can keep us locked up in the prison of our own minds is a barrier we set up for ourselves. Negative thoughts or limiting beliefs that don’t allow us to accept ourselves in the current moment.
And damn, is that shit more draining than it is energizing.
And sure, we’re the sum of our parts — the people, places, and experiences that find a home within us. And sometimes, we attach ourselves to parts of those people, places, and more often than not, things.
Our very own behaviors, self-worth, and how we see the world can be a direct result of the perspectives we allow to shape us. Other people’s shit (dreams, fears, and belief systems) — not necessarily our own.
A product, of a product, of a product.
And the parts that show up in our lives and influence us are often uninvited and yes, they can be ugly and strong. They can make us want to put on a mask of sorts — one to protect and defend ourselves. A mask that’s not us.
But that’s OK.
Why? Because life is having awareness for such a mask, then a willingness — to take it off. Life’s about waking up. Learning, growing, then letting shit go. It’s about re-writing our own narrative. And finally deciding for ourselves.
It’s about choosing to be kind and patient and compassionate — through the gunk, the unclarity, and the clusterf*cks. It’s about celebrating our moments (big and small) and not just in the peaks, but especially, the valleys.
It’s about taking a pause to ask, “What have I learned in this moment?” and, “How might this situation help me grow?” Life is non-linear and we must navigate accordingly. Follow our True North.
The saints and the sinners. The good and the evil. The Yin and the Yang. We’re learning as we go and this journey is all about us embracing what we don’t know or might not yet understand — including ourselves.
And there are parts of us that are Love and light; parts of us filled with excitement. Kindness. Joy. Awe. But there are also parts of us that get hostile. Experience shame. Loss. Pain. Fear.
Parts of us that cry, alone, in our bed, at 2am, shaking.
Parts of us that write love letters, on the beach, on the first day of Spring.
Parts of us that get ticked off and take it out on the next person we see.
All parts — a part of us.
The question is: which parts do we choose to focus on? Which visitors do we invite to stay? Which experiences do we welcome with open arms and allow to shape us? Which sage advice do we follow, then go explore for ourselves?
Well, here’s the best part: we get to decide. We get to choose.
And regardless of our circumstances, we’ve got a choice — every day, as to what state of being we take on. How we wake up in the morning. What attitude we embody. And what parts of us we share with others.
We get to choose how we show up — regardless of not knowing.
So friends, what’ll it be? Let’s start living.
X — MO
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This post features an image by Jake Thacker. He is a photographer living in Omaha, NE. Check out more of his work and contact him here.
Michelle Ortega is a creative writer, educator, and life coach living in Los Angeles, CA. She believes in Love and all things unconventional.
