Thank you for an honest appraisal of yourself and your condition. (Are the two separate? It would seem so since you suffer from dissociation)
I’m trans and have been in transition for a decade. I can’t take it to the surgical stage because of health issues, but I still take my estradiol daily. Can’t take the spiro because I’m allergic, won’t take finasteride because it makes users stupid (Hey Donnie-boy and what idiotic thing have you tweeted today?), and can’t afford the dueteride, so I’m stuck with the big E. Not a nice situation. I’m female, but I’m permanently stuck in a halfway house that looks a little dilapidated.
That’s okay, though. I went through several years of counseling before I took my first little blue pill and when the open-heart surgery that froze my transition came along, I was just happy to be alive and legally female.
But I never, ever even considered de-transitioning. My trans friends all urged it: “You’ll never be happy in this in-between state!” “You’ll never fit in!” “No one will ever want you because you’re so unfeminine!”
Did the trans community do that to you too? “You’ll never fit in/be happy. be desirable!” We do that to each other a lot, don’t we? The Tranny Police drops by with a batch of brownies and makes concerned comments about our acceptability, our authenticity, our fuckability.
And if you’re visible enough, the TERF’s and the conservatives will point to you as an example of why MtF procedures should be strictly forbidden, off-limits, never done, never even considered as a cure for gender dysphoria. Are you a political football yet? Have patience: you will be. A TERF or a Republican Congressional aide will read this piece and the aide will be on the phone to you within minutes, breathlessly begging for your testimony on the Hill, because Jesus. Or pedophilia in the bathrooms. Or whatever reason they can devise to display you as an example of why NO ONE should be allowed to transition from male to female.
They’ll stick microphones in your face and aim cameras and bright lights at you and muscular, angry women with short gray hair will try to friend you on Facebook. People you don’t know and never met will write articles about you as if they were your next-door neighbor and quote from interviews you never gave, all because you decided to de-transition and golly gee, that’s proof positive that this transgender thing is evil, insane, and just a lot of horseshit. Congratulations. Ready for your fifteen minutes of fame?
Ready for your close-up? Here it comes, baby. Get a lawyer and leverage it. It’s the Way of the World.