The Grammar Games fevered dream
Lon Shapiro
71

In The Field Of Dreams ….

As the clouds swirl over the coloseum below, high up in the publications and editors suite; a group of writers queue up at the door.

Nurse Ratched stands at the door holding a basket.

“All electronic devices to be placed into the baskets. You hear me? Any medium displaying device IN THE BASKET NOW!”

The bleary eyed bunch shuffle past and Elliot Nichols mumbles “You know I also have a day job right? This is such a waste of time, I could be using this time to write. Anyway, I am NOT conversing with anybody here, period. Especially about periods. Fiction and tapestry that’s what I’m here for.

“Well I have no idea why I’ve been dragged into this whole saga. I feel like I need a shower.” grumbles DCI Wooderson

“I know what you mean” says @savanaD’Amato “I’m in Two Minds about this whole thing myself.”

“It seems like one Glorious Mess” to me too, sympathises R.Dinasky “ But hey, lets give it a try. Besides I’ve brought H. Nemesis Nyx she’s part cyborg, you know. Now that’s pretty awesome back-up, don’t you think?”

“Well we’re all imperfect writers, let’s just admit that and get the help we need” says mark-john clifford .

“I agree” says Aura Wilming “I have this press publish button thing.”

“As long as they are kind” says “Alexainie to Michelle Stafford “I’m in.”

As they all settle on the seats; Jennifer Smith starts handing out green heart shaped notepads.

“Welcome one, welcome all. I have called this group therapy session today, because one of ours has highlighted a problem that affects a lot of you. We are here to talk about it. Could I ask that we talk about it really fast,” she says looking at her watch, “I have some rum cocktails and mango salsa calling my name.”

“Let me get the ball rolling…” she says “Everyone repeat after me — live your life with intention!”

As everyone begins the chant. She claps her hands “Ok, enough of that. I’ve got places to be people. Without further ado, let me introduce Lon Shapiro .

A figure appears at the door.

“Jeez Luuuweez!” whispers Michelle Stone to Jules “He looks like Magnum PI!”

“Oh God, I hope so!” smiles Jules “He’s so clever…”

A disco ball starts turning, and the beegees start crooning “You should be dancing”

Lon Shapiro steps into the room.

“He walks like a crab that’s just been pulled back into the bucket,” whispers Michelle Stone “Oh well, there goes my dreams”

“I am here to talk to you today about medium addiction. Yes medium addiction is a real thing. It seems there a couple of phases and stages.” says Lon Shapiro

The writers begin to squirm in their seats and a low hum of dissent is heard.

“Oh, come on!” shouts Lon Shapiro “Face the truths, speak them — you can’t tell me you haven’t been jonesing for green hearts? Must I bring the elephant into the room, before you will see?”

Sensing the crowd is beginning to get restless, Lon Shapiro and Jennifer Smith call for some community building.

alto steps in “Ok so let’s get to know each other better shall we, Sherry Caris give me a hand to give these questionares out please” the lights go down and Rodrigues starts to sing ‘well I wonder, how many times you’ve had sex, and I wonder do you know who’ll be next..”

Suddenly the lights go up again, Todd Hannula 🤓 struts into the room, disco ball in one hand, dancing trophy in the other. “Hang on a minute, that’s the wrong kinda therapy. Don’t you know what we need to bring peace?”

He strikes the pose with H. Nemesis Nyx (her cyborg arm looks spectacular under the disco lights) and before you can say disco ball, everyone is up on their chairs doing the hustle… “Staying aliiiiive yeah!”

“At the next therapy session, Todd Hannula 🤓 will be showing us all how to break dance” chimes in Gloria DiFulvio to Colette Clarke Torres and Jack Herlocker still swaying to the fading disco beat.

“I think it’s time for some mimosas” says Sean Howard handing them out to all. “Sorry, they may not taste right, I’m just not that kinda guy”

A little crowd has gathered in one part of the room, Randomly Me is singing ‘that’s me in the corner..’; Insideout is blinding everyone with the flash from his camera whilst Tremaine L. Loadholt is busy writing on her green heart notepad “This is going to be some amazing imagery in a poem.”

Victoria Easterday whispers into Sean Howard ‘s ear “Is she writing a listicle or a testicle.? Hang on let me get my dictionary….”

“Let me show you the things you can do with google” says Jeffrey Field to her.

“Ahem, pardon me. Lets get this therapy session back into order shall we. What I do know.” interjects j.s.lamb “Is when the crows leave, Medium will fall.”

The medium addicts’ faces crumble “We miss Charles O’Meara . We miss Kel Campbell . We miss Emily Friedel

“This whole thing is starting to get sad” whispers Dave Grigger to Gutbloom “ can’t you cheer things up a bit.

“You’re all invited to join me and Ellie Guzman who is going to demonstrate BELLY dancing with cows on the farm” says Gutbloom.

As the writers begin to cheer … j.s.lamb says “Don’t worry guys, medium won’t fall; the crows haven’t left yet. I’ve got it sorted. Russell Crow is here to help.”

“Hey now!” Shouts Lon Shapiro “Russell Crowe is who got us into this crazy situation in the first place!”

At the mention of her heart throb, Russell Crowe, Michelle Stone feels her eyes begin to close.

“Stay awake!” the writers begin to shout. Paul E. Roberts tries to wave her favourite green heart cappachino in front of her nose to keep her awake.

“Nooooooooo!” the writers scream. “Don’t you know what happens when you sleep. Lon Shapiro dreams about you dreaming about — ok this is confusing…”

“Above my paygrade for sure” says Jennifer Smith with one foot on the plane

“I can’t help it” yawns Michelle Stone “Don’t you know I’m from Africa, it’s damn well 3.00 am in my time zone!”

Jules picks up her ukelele and starts to play ‘I bless the rains down in Africa’. Michelle cannot stay awake, and closes her eyes.

In her dreams, a gladiator stands in the coloseum ….

Lon Shapiro yawns “Oh crap, here we go again. Ok people” he says shoving them out through the door, “Green hearts are available at the exit. Everyone is invited to The Grammar Games but no one is safe…. Hurry up, before I lose interest, dammit.”

I’m from Africa, we say “sorry” a lot. We also laugh at ourselves a lot. So here goes, “sorry for any offence or confusion caused; please do not take this seriously! The people I have mentioned, I think,all seem to have a great sense of humour- but as one troll said to me once “that’s a lot of thinking for people you only know on the internet’
I do hope this gives everyone the bit of light-hearted chuckle we all need at the moment. I also apologise for my very pathetic amateur attempts at humour!” (with special thanks/apologies to Jennifer Smith for the inspiration of group therapy!)

Please feel free to add your contributions to the therapy session or to the grammar games. Take it away Lon Shapiro …

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