10 Reasons I Don’t Win At Mom Life

I’m plagued with worry about what sort of parent rejection is headed my way when my son decides to cut the emotional cord. Here is why:

10. I don’t fold laundry.

I have a stack of mate-less socks. My fitted sheet game is weak. I am 35 and just now discovered THE STEAMER. It’s not that I wasn’t taught properly. My older sister has “A game” laundry skills. I have “A game” skills at creating laundry.

9. My version of a well cooked meal is a mixture of hot and cold items on a plate.

Often times my son looks at me and thinks, how does she manage to creatively place these unrelated options on my dinner plate? I’m naturally gifted at randomness. Again, I grew up with excellent meals provided for me and my family. I just would like to continue to have them PROVIDED for me. If you asked me where all the great restaurants were, I have a ready-made list for you! I can concoct a few dishes, it just isn’t high on my list of activities.

8. Lost and Found has me on speed dial.

The most dreaded text that I receive is from my ex asking me where something is, if he saw my face he would know there is no hope. The worst part is that my child is inheriting this talent. So at least when we both lose things, we embrace our flaws as one. All for one, one for all!

7. I actively engage in adventurous activity.

I didn’t get the “that’s dangerous” gene. For example, that one time I took my kid kayaking during an unplanned thunderstorm. I flipped my kayak attempting to keep him from getting stuck in a bush. All I really did was fall down a bunch of times because the current was too strong to do anything else. I’m willing to bet he will never forget this moment. I have these memories with my Dad, only they involve him going down a water slide for the first time and cursing the whole way down. To this day I cry laughing at that memory, but only if I retell it in front of him.

6. My Mom look is questionable.

I have giant tattoo, and I want more. It’s as if I didn’t download the social cues of being a Mom. Oh you are supposed to look like you have your ducks in a row EVERY DAY. I’m going for four days a week because that’s a realistic balance for me. The other three days I choose to opt out of that look. On those days it will be more of the, did she walk out of the house in that look? Yes I did, it’s called confidence. Cheers beeches!

5. I have a morning bell.

Moms are supposed to be super mindful of quietness in the morning. Unless I’m ill, waking my kid up is my FAVORITE time of day. My child on the other hand asks me how on earth it’s morning already. When he doesn’t wake up on time, I threaten with ringing a farm bell that pierces his ear drums. It’s torture, and I’m okay with it.

4. I don’t protect my child from my own insecurities.

When I do have a fear of something, I ask, am I afraid because it’s a safety concern or because he will fail and that will be hard for him to handle? Failing at something is inevitable. The sooner the better I say.

3. I don’t have high expectations

Maybe he will be a drifter, maybe he will be a scientist. I don’t know and I am not too attached to what he will become. I’m more concerned with how he is developing right now. He is the captain of his own ship, I let go of the helm as soon as he could form words and pee standing up. Now I just lift up the map and point out north, south, east, and west.

2. I’m not in a hurry to get remarried.

The American dream of a Mom and a Dad in one household is a generational thing that my generation is not really into. It’s statistics people, I’m not reaching with this generalization. His generation will be excellent at compromise because how many divorced parents have had to master the art of agreeing to disagree. He has so many excellent examples of commitment around him though. So naturally he asks me when I’m getting remarried, and I say I’m not sure. I don’t want to demonstrate that I can only be happy when I have someone around to keep me company besides him. I am also pretty picky about who he is around. I want to show him that I can make it on my own, and so should he when he is ready to be on his own.

1. I am unusual.

I have stacks of journals. I paint odd things. I collect eclectic books. I listen to classical music for fun (all of those instruments at once, it’s amazing!). I don’t like to match. I wear shoes without socks sometimes. I like crystals, rocks, and sticks because of their color and shape. I have a goal to have a room totally devoted to plant life. The point is, I don’t fit the Mom mold if there ever was one.

Final thoughts…

Will this list be the ingredients to the recipe of childhood trauma as a result of having a weird Mom? This is my attempt at apologizing in advance. What can I say, I like to plan ahead.

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