Lily Allen-Duenas: Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. Be kind. Be loving. Be compassionate.

In my series about how the book, “The Four Agreements” impacted peoples’ lives, I interview Lily Allen-Duenas. Lily is an international yoga teacher, meditation guide, and holistic health and wellness coach. She helps overwhelmed individuals reduce their emotional overload, and find balance, breath, and space for self-care. In this interview, you’ll discover love, kindness and compassion through treating yourself as you would your best friend. Enjoy. ~ Michelle Tennant Nicholson

Can you tell us a story about what early experiences brought you to your specific career path?

When I was around twelve years old, I attended a week-long morning meditation class as part of a YMCA summer camp. My parents weren’t Buddhists, meditators, or anything of the sort. There was no external pressure, forces, or recommendations coming from anywhere other than my own mind.

I knew I needed to learn how to handle the noisiness and busyness of my mind. Even as a child, I always felt my mind was very loud. I would keep a notebook by my bed because if I couldn’t fall asleep, I’d have to write down all the thoughts chaotically churning around in my mind. I don’t remember exactly when this began, but I feel as if I struggled with my mind from as early as I can remember.

Each day, for five days, a meditation teacher at the summer camp taught us a different method or style of meditation — breath awareness, body awareness, and a few visualization techniques. While I didn’t become a dedicated meditator until later in my life, this was the beginning of learning how to train, tame, and calm my mind. It was just the beginning of starting me on my path of health, wellness, and wholeness.

Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you in your career or education?

As an international yoga and meditation teacher, I have taught classes to people of all walks of life and from all over the world. Oftentimes, the students in my class are extraordinarily diverse in countries of origin, language, age, and physical capabilities. I remember classes so fondly that were filled with beautiful souls — surfers from Italy, horse trainers from Poland, businessmen from Saudi Arabia. However, there was a class that was particularly memorable.

I was teaching yoga on a small island in Cambodia for a couple months in 2018. It was very pure, pristine, and quiet. I was working on the side of the island that bore witness to the sunset each and every day — something that never got old. While my students were normally a glorious mixed bag of chips, there was one private class that I taught that stood out from the others. It was a private class taught to the dishwasher at the restaurant in the resort that I worked at. His name was Tom Tom and he couldn’t have been older than fifteen years old. He had a huge, eager smile and lanky limbs, and he couldn’t speak a word of English.

He noticed that I was practicing yoga by myself in the yoga hall and was lingering around curiously — I beckoned him inside and put a yoga mat next to mine. He started mirroring what I was doing with such intense intuition that I was taken aback. He had never tried yoga before, and had likely never been exposed to it either really. However, he was able to flow through a slow vinyasa sequence with me with just the acuity of his mind and body — guided by these “swooshing” and “swishing” noises I would make with my exhales to prompt him to move.

It was a spectacular experience. No words were spoken, yet so much was exchanged. It taught me the power of yoga to connect to each other, to transcend the mind and just let energy flow through the body.

Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting out on your career?

During my 200hr yoga teacher training course in Nepal, I made fast friends with a girl from Egypt named Farah. There were 17 students from Denmark, Australia, Panama, Spain, and more — but Farah and I quickly became the closest. I was eager to learn a little bit of Egyptian Arabic. I took note of a handful of phrases like how are you and good morning. Somehow, our wires got crossed on one phrase. During one asana class, Farah twisted herself into a complicated arm balance and I turned to her and exclaimed in Arabic “Niemon!” to congratulate her. She burst out laughing and fell out of the asana. When she finally could catch her breath from laughing so hard she told me that I told her “Nice hair cut!”

What lesson did you learn from that?

While this story may seem silly, and hopefully procured a little chuckle from you, the more I reflect on this the more that I realize how much I learned from it. Human connection is the most important aspect of interactions. It doesn’t matter if you make a mistake, fall on your face, or say the wrong thing — as long as your intention is be warm, caring, and to connect with others you can’t go wrong.

What are some of the most interesting and exciting community projects are you working on now?

I’m thrilled to be producing and creating the Wild Yoga Tribe podcast! Each week I chat with a yoga teacher from a different country around the world. We talk about their yoga journey, their teaching philosophy, and different elements, methodologies, practices, or traditions that they bring to their practice. I am over the moon to get to connect with these incredible people and to share their stories with our listeners and the Wild Yoga Tribe community. It’s the highlight of my week!

What are 5 things you would tell your younger self?

1. Speak to yourself with kindness
2. Let the small stuff go
3. Perfection doesn’t exist so don’t chase it
4. Respond don’t react
5. Anything you resist will fight you back twice as hard

You mentioned the books, “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom” and “The Fifth Agreement” by Don Miguel Ruiz impacted your life. Can you explain how for each agreement below?

1) Be impeccable with your word.

The first agreement taught me to be intentional with my words and thoughts. The word itself is a force, an energy, a power. You have to be careful with your words, with the aim and intention of them. Not just with what you verbally say, but also with what you think. You can create violence and damage just with the power of your thoughts. As Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “The word is like a seed, and the human mind is so fertile!” By learning how to be mindful of what seeds I was planting in my mind, I learned to respect the “fertile” soil of my mind and to do my best to cultivate soil that is fertile for compassionate and kind thoughts, words, actions, and intentions.

I would also like to highlight that the word impeccable means “without sin,” and as Don Miguel Ruiz explains, “a sin is anything that you do which goes against yourself. Everything you feel or believe or say that goes against yourself is a sin.” This was particularly impactful for me to have this definition and to realize that being impeccable doesn’t mean being perfect — it means not harming yourself or others. Self-love is the way.

2) Don’t take anything personally.

I used to place a lot of weight on what people thought of me, and particularly what others said about me. My friends in high school always described me as “the sensitive one,” as I was prone to spiraling out of control when someone said something harsh or critical to me. It took me years to realize that whatever people say is merely a reflection of themselves, and has nothing to do with you. As Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “Nothing people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”

My first lesson with this agreement was to not to take the negative things people said about me personally. To exhale and release it all out into the world, to let it slide off of me and not stick to me. This was difficult. The second lesson, or step, in understanding this agreement was to realize that nothing positive people said about me should affect me either. Other people’s opinions, whether good or bad, do not have to influence how you think and feel about yourself. Only you gets to make that choice and that decision.

3) Don’t make assumptions.

Don’t make assumptions may seem deceptively simple. Sure! I won’t think that I know the answer to everything. Sure! I’ll ask questions to clarify when I’m unsure or confused. Right. It’s a lot harder than that. This was a tricky agreement for me to learn and to incorporate as it made me learn how to drop my armour. As Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “We make assumptions, and we believe we are right about the assumptions; then we defend our assumptions and try to make someone else wrong.” It was this act of defending that I needed to let go. When you’re not defensive, you feel vulnerable. And that can be a scary thing.

This agreement taught me to always seek first to understand, and to communicate with others whenever I’m “creating a story in my head.” I create lots of stories. We all do! It’s in recognizing it is merely a story, a product of imagination and guesswork and attempting to connect non-existent dots where we get in trouble. I even use the phrase, “I’m making up ____ story in my head. Is there any truth in that? Or is it all in my head?” This helps people to also drop their armour and not be defensive as well. We’re only trying to clarify a made-up story afterall!

4) Always do your best.

I love this agreement, though it challenges me as much as the rest of them do. As a recovering people-pleaser and perfectionist — what a dangerous mix, right? — I had to learn and accept that my best is different day to day, and even hour by hour. I had to learn to be mindful of my proclivity to guilt, blame, or self-punish myself for not feeling like I was living up to my own standard of best.

Don Miguel Ruiz says, “When you do your best you learn to accept yourself.”

That is the underlying truth in the word best. It’s not some gold-star standard, it is the most that you can offer in a given moment of time. There are a thousand different variables to consider. Do your best that you can in that moment. Self-acceptance of all the varied levels of best is where the hard work comes in.

I’m grateful that this agreement taught me how to honor my energy, prioritize self-care, and acknowledge the changing nature of my being, body, and energy in different moments of time. My best changes. And that is okay.

Because of the role you play in the community, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire young people today, what would be your headline and three talking points?

1. Compassion is the key.

Compassion comes first. If you approach every situation from a compassionate place, you will find the whole world a softer space to exist. Look at yourself through eyes of compassion as well. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. Be kind. Be loving. Be compassionate.

1. Your health and wellness comes first.

Your health, wellness, and wholeness affects not just your own self, but your friends, family, your community, and the entire planet. Self-discovery, self-awareness, and self-growth is paramount.

1. Rushing only makes you better at rushing.

Be mindful with your breath, your steps, your actions, and your intentions. In our fast-paced, hyperconnected world it’s all too easy to rush, rush, and rush. If you can cultivate mindfulness in your daily life, while you drive, brush your teeth, prepare food, you will find your mind a calmer place to exist. Craving peace? Craving a life of ease? Mindfulness is the way.

How can people connect with you?

Website: https://wildyogatribe.com/

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Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/wildyogatribe

Twitter: https://twitter.com/wildyogatribe

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/c/WildYogaTribe

Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/wild-yoga-tribe/id1571374779

Spotify Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/7oqRa3tFNTmCh6tBwxRt6Z

Insight Timer: https://insig.ht/6gFTaXHlogb