Five Mistakes You’ve Made Talking to Your Teenager

Teenagers are a strange breed. They are neither kids nor adults. We often fail miserably when engaging teens in a one-on-one conversation because we assume they’re stubborn, self-absorbed and uninterested in adult conversation, but these stereotypes are actually shortcuts we use to excuse ourselves from engaging with teens on a deeper level.

My oldest daughter is now twelve-years-old. In the last year there has been a dramatic shift in the way we communicate with each other. I have not mastered the art form, but I’ve had some success. When she was first learning to talk, she used words without necessarily connecting them with meaning. The first time she uttered “Da-da”, my heart leapt and I experienced one of those great fatherhood moments. For her, “Da-da” was just two syllables she strung together. For a brief time, everyone was “Da-da”. My wife would correct her, “No, I’m Mama.” Eventually, her vocabulary grew to include “Ma-ma”, “cup” and “tea”. (We live in the South where it is perfectly acceptable to serve your children sugar-laden sweet tea.) Eleven years later, her vocabulary has evolved and so has her reasoning skills. She doesn’t think like a child anymore. When I want to start a conversation with my four-year-old, I rely on the classic standby that I will refer to as Intentional Misdirection. This is where I make an obviously absurd and incorrect statement that forces the child to both laugh and correct my mistake. When I pick her up from pre-school, I start by talking about her day.

“How was your day?”, I ask in my best Mr. Rogers voice.

“Good,” she responds blankly.

I crave more detail, so I ask, “How many boys did you kiss on the playground today? Four or five?”

She giggles, squirms in her seat and says, “Daddy, I don’t kiss boys.”

“You don’t? Why not?”, I reply in mock surprise. Conversation initiated. That’s the beauty of Intentional Misdirection, and it works splendidly when used in moderation with four-year-olds. Admittedly, it did backfire one day when I used the line about kissing boys and she responded, “I kissed two boys this week.” Forget conversation. I went straight to interrogation mode. She finally giggled with glee and said, “I’m just kidding. I don’t kiss boys.” Well played, Isabella. Well played.

Most teenagers are a little more clever than my four-year-old, and they can see through the charade of Intentional Misdirection. They get annoyed by the condescending tone of the Mr. Rogers voice, and they don’t appreciate your absurdity.

With fifteen years of youth ministry under my belt, you would think I would be an expert in teen-to-adult conversation by now, but I’m not. Honestly, I am one of the most socially awkward people on the planet. I can switch on Preacher Mode and talk to a room full of teenagers from the safety of my pulpit with no problem, but face-to-face is a different story. Even with kids that I’ve know for years and that I see weekly, I struggle to carry on basic conversation. I feel like I’m back in high school with a huge zit on my face, my cowlick flailing wildly from the back of my head like an antenna broadcasting my inadequacy to everyone around. Here’s my own personal formula for engaging a student in my youth group each week (WARNING: Don’t do this. It is lame):

1. Handshake, High-Five or Side-Hug. I like to mix it up a little.
2. Open with some variation of the phrase, “What’s up?” without making eye contact.
3. Regardless of their response to #2, ask “How’s school?” while still avoiding eye contact. If you find this part difficult, just redirect your stare. If speaking to a guy, look at his chin. When speaking with girls, stare at their forehead to avoid sending mixed signals.
4. If you get this far, you’re done. Wait for them to look away and then quickly dart off to your next target while they’re still in mid-sentence.

It has taken me years to develop this process. I’m probably overplaying this a little for the sake of clarity, but some days it is not far from the truth. I love these kids, but my internal dork just won’t let me get comfortable. I think I am not alone in my anxiety, so that leads me to the top five list I promised.

1. We Assume That The Teen In Front of Us Is Just Like Every Other Teen.

If you want to talk to a teenager, you have to forget that they’re a teenager. Lay all of your preconceived ideas aside. Forget the stereotypes. This is a unique person.

2. We resort to sarcasm.

Sarcasm is belittling. If you genuinely want to connect with a teen in conversation, leave out any trace of sarcasm even if it seems playful and harmless. This is usually a defense mechanism. Take an innocuous phrase like, “You’re so clever.” Emphasize “SO” and then add the name of a famous fictional detective. Finally, add “Wow!” at the beginning. Now muster up your best belittling tone and put it all together.Your fourteen-year-old son says, “Mom, I just realized that Alaska is right next to Canada.”“Wow Sherlock! You’re SO clever. How long did it take you to figure that out?” you say in mocking response.Sarcasm conceals a sharp blade in a thin shroud of humor. Don’t use it. Here are a few other examples of sarcastic phrases you may need to remove from your vocabulary:“That’s just what I need, great!”: Used when expressing dissatisfaction. “Great job! Thanks!”: Used when expressing frustration. “Really!?”: Used when really frustrated.Don’t be surprised if a teenager gets defensive when sarcasm is part of your conversation. If somebody tried to cut you with a knife, wouldn’t you defend yourself?

3. We are rude, impatient or impolite.

I see this happen in malls and restaurants. Some mall security guards, waitresses and sales associates can allow previous bad experiences to dictate their attitude when dealing with teens. Just because you had a confrontation with one thug or one table did a dine-and-ditch on your shift, that doesn’t mean everyone is going to do the same. Even as parents, we fool ourselves into believing that our teens live in limbo between childhood and adulthood in a vacuum where they cannot be offended. This is blatantly untrue. Teenagers are human, and they can be easily hurt by rude or impolite statements hurled at them carelessly. Even when disciplining or lecturing your own child, there’s no need to be rude. Treat teens with respect, even when you’re angry, and they will learn to reciprocate. When you lose your temper, you give them permission to do the same.

4. We resort to agitation or aggravation.

This is different from #3 mostly because of intent. We usually resort to aggravation when we are trying to get teens talking. I guess the logic is that you’ll pick on them until you evoke a response. This doesn’t work, at least not the way you want it to. You’ll get a response, but it likely won’t be a positive one. I’ve seen this used by grandparents, aunts and uncles when trying to relate to their teenage family members. I’ve also seen youth pastors engage in this behavior. We pick on a kid. Sometimes we work in concert with other teens in elaborate aggravation schemes that win a few laughs but damage our relationship with the victim and our reputation with the other students.

5. We choose not to talk at all.

I’ll admit that talking to teens can be tough. It is hard to find common ground. They are sometimes immature and that can come across as unapproachable, but you are a mature adult. Risk a little pride. Take a humble and respectful tone when speaking. Make eye contact. Genuinely care. Intently listen. Be honest and authentic. Even if the conversation goes horribly awry, you are leading by example. Over time, as you earn their trust, they will pick up on your attributes and imitate them.

Now, go find the nearest teenager and get your talk on.

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