How to Navigate the School Years with a “Difficult” Child
My son is now a senior in high school, and I swore when he was in Kindergarten that he would never make it this far. I have the gray hair to prove it!
Every year since that first year, I have endured many, many phone calls from teachers and principals concerned that there was something wrong with him. They called in counselors, psychiatrists, and other experts to see if there was something wrong. The school even called Family and Children’s Services at least twice when he was in elementary school.
The first incident happened right after his father and I separated, and we moved to another location. My son was in the first grade and had a very active imagination. He told a teacher that he “had a very important secret,” and that he was “making a bomb”. Oh, child. Why would you do that to your mother?
At any rate, the school took this very seriously, as they should have, I guess, and I got a call from the social services office about the concerned phone call they received. I told them I had no idea what he meant, and assured them that he was full of it, so to speak.
Later, I asked him what he was talking about. His “bomb” consisted of rocks he found outside, and he was creating a whole story around it with his toys. That was his “important secret.” When I told the school this, they were less than amused.
A year later, Family and Children’s Services called me a second time to request an appointment to meet with me concerning my son. I asked what it was about, and they said they received a phone call from a “concerned” party about my son.
Of course, they were vague and made me pry for answers. I dug deeper into the situation and found out that my son was cutting his clothes at school, and had licked a bit of blood off a scratch on his hand. I know — gross — but we have all done it at some point. Am I right?
They called me a few days before the holiday break, and I told them I was going out of town. I asked them to contact me after the new year. They never called me back, and I never called them back. Later at a meeting with the school authorities, I told them with absolutely NO uncertainty that they are not to call Family and Children’s Services again without first contacting me and discussing things regarding my son.
The school guidance counselor looked very sheepish and said, “Oh. Okay.” Hmm.
Can you relate? Do you have a “difficult child” that creates chaos in school? Even more importantly, does the school principal have your number on speed dial? Because I am pretty sure my number was on speed dial.
If you are starting your journey through these difficult years, or you are in the middle of them, I apologize. It is a bumpy ride! But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and if you follow these guidelines, it might be a little bit less bumpy.
Be Firm, Yet Gentle
They don’t know what they are doing. It’s not in their nature to be very understanding when it comes to “difficult” children. I mean, of course, the teachers and staff of the school. They may think they know what they are doing because of their many degrees, and that may be partially true. But when it comes to your child, they haven’t a clue.
This is not to say that they don’t understand children in general, or that they don’t know their jobs. They don’t know your child well enough to make generalized judgment calls.
Teachers and principals do want to work with you, the parent, to make your child’s years at school successful. But they need guidance from you, as you are the adult expert on your child. When they ask you what you think your child needs from them, be as honest as you can without having an attitude.
You know — your “mama bear” attitude where no one else can even begin to understand your child and they are ignorant for trying. Yeah, drop that attitude.
Step back and evaluate what is happening. If your child is unfairly targeted when other children involved in the incident did not get in trouble, speak up, and remind them of this. If you know that your child is innocent, then say so. But, don’t be afraid to be wrong and admit that your child could be in the fray.
Said another way — stand up for your child when you know they are innocent. Discipline your child when you know they are guilty. Fight the school when you need to and work with the school when you need to. Doing this will ensure that you will be taken seriously in the future.
Listen Without Judgment to Your Child
Children often are afraid of what you will say when they get in trouble at school. They are also scared to talk with you about it because of your possible reaction. Avoid this issue and set aside your judgment of the situation, of your child’s behavior and of what they are saying, at least for now. Ask your child what happened, who was there, what else was going on in the area, etc. Your face and voice need to remain neutral while listening, or your child will withdraw.
An example:
My son, as a sophomore in high school, got suspended for two days due to punching another kid in the mouth. The principal called me to tell me there had been an altercation between him and another boy in the weight room. Both were suspended. That was all I was told, so I had no idea what the situation was or how to respond.
Later, this is the conversation I had with my son.
Me: So, what happened in school today?
Son: I hit ____ in the teeth.
Me: Why?
Son: Because he had been harassing my friends and me for a few months, and I was sick of it.
Me: Oh. That sucks he was harassing you guys. What did you try doing before that?
Son: We told him to stop several times, and he wouldn’t.
Me: Did you try telling a teacher?
Son: They don’t do anything. They think it’s my fault anyway.
Me: I get it. Well, try not to get into a fight on school grounds again.
Son: Okay.
That was the entire conversation. He was able to tell me exactly what happened because I set up an environment where my children can tell me anything comfortably without me judging them. I guide them and discipline when needed, but I listen and let them say what they need to without interrupting and without prejudice.
The above situation ended with both his step-father and I telling him to stay out of those situations where he wants to fight. At least on school grounds. Keep his nose clean and try to graduate without getting into further trouble.
The other kid ended up moving away after that school year.
Communicate Regularly with Teachers
At my son’s third grade parent-teacher conference, his teacher told me about some of the things he was doing. Things like: taking simple stuff off her desk, reading books in the corner when the rest of the class were involved in a different project, and generally disrupting class time when he got bored. She told me that he did these things as a way to get extra attention. Classic, right?
Wrong. She thought I wasn’t giving him enough attention at home, and because I was single at the time, I couldn’t possibly give him the time and attention he needed. (Oh yes, she went there.)
I set her straight. “I spend a lot of time with him daily, as I do his sisters.”
“Well,” she said, “that doesn’t happen a lot in single-parent households.”
“Uh-huh. Well, you are wrong with mine. What are you trying to say about (my son)?”
“He needs extra attention. That’s why he is acting out like this.”
“No. He is manipulating the situation. He is bored and wants to do things his way.”
“He is too young for that kind of manipulation.” He was eight years old, and plenty old enough to manipulate those around him.
At another point during that year, my son decided that he was not going to bring home his homework papers, so he didn’t have to work on them. His teacher and I got around that through technology. She emailed me a .pdf of his homework daily, and I printed it out, so it was ready to go when he got home. Miraculously, he stopped “forgetting” to bring his homework home.
During his elementary years, I would often email his teachers to see how he was doing and if they needed anything from me. His teachers responded well to this, and we had regular communication throughout the years about my son and how to help him.
Communicate regularly with your child’s teachers, as this will help unify the school and you in your child’s eyes, and will reinforce the idea within your child that you mean business.
Don’t Let the School Implement a Behavior Plan
The worst thing I ever let the school do for my son was to implement an individualized behavior plan. The premise, of course, was to help him learn how to behave in school without disrupting the classroom. While this sounded good in theory, it failed to have any impact on a practical basis. Remember how he manipulated everyone around him in the third grade? Yeah, this is how he treated his behavior plan.
His behavior plan was implemented in Kindergarten by well-meaning counselors, as they thought this would help him learn how to behave. Of course, they thought this, as this was part of their education and training. The funny thing is — college courses don’t take into account those kids who manipulate what they can, to get what they want.
Whenever he wanted to leave the classroom, he would act out just enough so he could go to a fun room. A room with books and toys. A room that was peaceful, quiet, and no learning required.
I admit that that room sounds exquisite! I would love to be able to escape to a room like this myself. Wouldn’t you? But that is not conducive to learning, and it needed to stop. Instead of the plan helping him learn how to behave, it taught him how to get what he wanted without getting into too much trouble. He started trying that stuff with me at home, and I had to put a stop to it.
By the beginning of his fourth-grade year, I told the school I wanted them to remove the behavior plan from his record, and that he needed to face the consequences of his behavior head-on. They were not happy about this and were scared that his behavior would get completely out of control. However, this was unfounded as he had a great year, with only a couple of behavior incidents.
Behavior plans are great in theory and can help most children who genuinely need it. However, there are some children, like my son, who will manipulate this plan and get what they want, without their behavior improving. For him, this was a bad idea. For others, it may work out well.
Determine with the school if this would work for your child. If you have doubts, try it and monitor your child for a few months. If their behavior gets worse, get rid of the plan; but if their behavior gets better, keep it.
Be Patient — It will Get Better
Honestly, I thought my son would never get this far in school without going to juvenile detention or getting in trouble with the law somehow. Miraculously, he never did. Although, there were a few times when the law got involved, but we managed to pull him back before anything went on his record.
His senior year has proven to be the best year of his school years, and for that, I am very grateful. He is growing into a kind, sensitive, and generous young man, and I can’t be more proud of him than I am right now! He lets me know when he needs a “mental health day,” which I feel is conducive to him not acting out in school.
He communicates with me about how he is doing in school and how he is doing overall, which could not have happened had I not set up a welcoming environment in which he could talk about anything with me.
If you are going through some rough years with your child, hang in there. It does get better if you relax and create a welcoming and communicative environment. Create discipline, yet fun. Create boundaries, yet freedom. Create love and acceptance, and let your child become who they are meant to be in life.
Be patient, Mama. It does get better with time. In the meantime, take one day at a time and take care of yourself as well. May peace be with you and your child.
