RUDY BEGA’S ART 101 PEER REVIEW
Hey cuties, I’m Rudy Bega. Some of you know me as “the guy in the class who keeps asking if he can borrow your cars,” or “the guy in the class who’s old enough to be your father,” ladies, but I prefer to be known as the half-brother of Lou Bega, award-winning singer of Mambo Number 5. When he says, “A little Monica in my life?” That’s our mom. Mom-bo number 5.
Enough about me, I know you paid good tuition to be in this here art class peer review. I got Amanda Pritzker, hello Amanda, and I honestly was coming into this thinkin we’d all give each other easy A’s, no matter what BS fruitbowl she painted, give Amanda five outta five, but after seeing what she turned out, well, I just couldn’t do that.
So, here we go, painting number one
Well I start lookin at this picture at the bottom-left, see? And I’m thinkin, “Wow, today’s my lucky day cause lookit the gams on her! Yaknow? I’m thinkin, hey somewhere further up this picture, maybe I’ll even see some real nice bazongas, you know what I’m sayin? I’m not talkin, nothin grandiose but a reeeaaal nice set. And so I’m thinkin this, and then all of a sudden — the rest of the picture! Yowww! Like, knock knock, who’s there, expectations, Expectations who, EXPECTATIONS SUBVERTED! I mean, when I was down here at the bottom-left, the last thing I was expectin to see was some squid lady!
So I’m thinkin, maybe the artist just had a lady model, and then ran outta time and the lady model left, and just had to dream up the rest, but even so, Amanda IS a lady, so can’t she just use herself for the rest? Shakespeare said, Art is a mirror held up to nature, so What you don’t got a mirror?
So I go to the next picture, and I say to myself, Rudy, you’ve been burned before, so look at the top this time, alright? The top-left, so there’s NO surprises.
So I look at the top and I think, now that’s more like it! Topless blonde probably has a killer keister, this is my kinda painting, and — Well I don’t know if you noticed this but — well I look down and you’re probably thinkin what I was thinkin which was, aw geez, I wish that horse would get outta the way, but then! WHAMMO! That’s not a horse, it’s THE keister!! And it IS killer I tell ya, cause I almost had a heart attack! Here I am, expecting to see a lady’s nethers, and I’m thinkin, you know, I turn to Carter and I say, ‘I know one way in which it’s like a lady’s nethers — It stinks!!!”
And it’s like, what’s wrong with Amanda’s keister that she can’t use it as a model? Couldn’t she find a mirror anywhere? There’s mirrors in almost every bathroom!
So now I’m thinkin, maybe this is on purpose, and woah does Ms. Hooper know that her class art show is fulla very misleading nudies? I bring her to the picture, I show her the top, and I say, “But Ms. Hooper I don’t know if you know this, but — look at the bottom!” And you know what she says? She says, “yeah I agree Greek mythological allusions are a little trite, but what can you do? It’s Art 101 not the MOMA.”
And I say “Mam-bo”
And she says, “MO-MA”
And I say, “It’s pronounced Mambo number five.”
And she walks away like she never even saw the bottom of the painting, and I’m thinkin what kinda kinky kinda school am I auditing a class at!
And so by this time I’m pretty shook up, and I know there’s another painting comin around, and so I say, okay Rudy, THIS time, Look at ALL Of the painting at ONCE, alright. So I get to the third painting:
And I see it, all at once, and all I can think is WHAT KINDA SICKO TAKES A PERFECTLY NICE MELON, ATTACHES IT TO A BUNCHA STRINGS AND THROWS IT IN THE SEA, HUH??? WHO DOES SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! Well I just about barfed! AMANDA, WHAT MAKES A PERSON THINK THIS STUFF UP??? You know?
So I don’t last long at that picture, cause I feel like I’m gonna toss my cookies all over Carter over here. But the thing Lou and I got from our mom is that we don’t give up. So I go back to the first paintin and,
Well okay so I look at the bottom-left again, and I think wow, those are some gams, But wait, wait! You’ve been burned before, Rudy, look at other parts of the picture before you get all excited! So’s I look over further left at this lady’s shadow and I think, Okay that checks out, and oh boy I can’t wait to get an eyeful o’ — AND THEN the TOP of the PICTURE!
But this time, it hits me. Why am I so angry? What made me so sure that I had the right to see anything more than some gams? I guess that says something about modern culture, huh? I see a perfectly nice pair a gams, and all I can think, “Is there cans attached?!?” A real shame. A real nice picture of a squid lady right there.
I guess when Shakespeare said that thing about mirrors, he was talking about mirrors, but you could interpret it as you seein your nature in a picture. Amanda you painted a real sick detached sea-boob, but you showed me a little somethin about myself.
When my half-brother Lou Bega wrote mambos one through four, they were okay. They had the names of a few different girls, maybe four tops. You shoulda heard the first one: “I like Angela, Angela, Angela and Angela…” heh… When he wrote mambo number five, we all thought that this was it: this was what art could be. I thought five was the limit.
But Amanda, I can’t give you a five outta five in this here peer review.
I’m giving you six.