Finally Checked my Actor Profile

In high school, when I first wanted to try acting, I input all my data into every actor database I could find on the Internet. I loaded in a headshot my friend took, left the resumes blank, and then kind of forget about them. Until one day you have to find something in the depths of your Promotions folder, and there it is: “You have been sent an audition!”

Below is the opportunity I received:

Hi Miden,

Hello and Congratulations! We have found your reel on the Internet and would like to offer you the opportunity to be the voice of the afterlife!

Here at the Museum de los Muertos, we pride ourselves on a realistic experience of messages from the beyond. What happens to a tree frog after it dies? A squirrel? A cat? Well with the simple press of a button on our audio-tour remote, what was once just a taxidermy model of our childhood cat becomes a veritable Yelp review of post-mortum cathood!

Yikes, Mrs. Whiskers, nirvana sounds like almost too much fun.

Technically, all these messages are theorized — we are NOT licensed mediums or police psychics! ! — but we feel confident in the authenticity of our guesses.

You may have thought because of the title there would be Spanish in the script, but not to worry! It is just a fun wordplay on the Day of the Dead (Di’a de los Muertos).

We could have said Museum of the Dead, we guess, but that’s sort of morbid isn’t it? And we’re trying to keep the vibe here, not fun, per se, but cultured.

So let’s get our English on! We’ve had to make some edits to past scripts to keep our museum relevant, so all we need are a few character re-records. Keep it light where you can! It’s very easy to get bogged down in the idea that you are dead and speaking from the beyond, but we’ve gone through and popped in a few topical references here and there to keep you quirky.

There are four exhibits that need new audio:

THE SQUID

NOTE: For this exhibit, we had to preserve the lil guy in a jar of alcohol, so, if you could, our last voice artist [May Thad rest in peace] drank from a glass of water as he spoke, to give it a sort of underwater effect.

It’s me, the squid. Once a mythic Kraken and now a ghost! From one unseen legend to another. Did I ever exist? Or was I just a fiction the entire time? A story passed on from sailor to sailor, shared amongst children holding flashlights under their chins; does that make me more alive, to still be on the lips of so many, or less alive to have been confirmed by so few? Sounds like the kind of question Julianne Moore’s character might have been asking herself in “Still Alice.” What a performance! Anyway, yeah, really weird here after life. Thanks for stopping by!

THE BUTTERFLY

NOTE: Barely a whisper for this one. We want people to lean in and think, what’s that? What is the butterfly saying? No wonder we never hear butterflies they are so quiet!

To make it easier for you, [brackets are around phrases that should be whispered].

And we’re not going to say sensual, but keep in mind that butterflies are pretty!

Butterfly: [I think Aristotle said it best when he said, life is but a breath on a butterfly’s wings.* My life felt short, but it was so long, so transformative! From a caterpillar to this, even?? Like the new Star Wars movie, my life was soooo looong, with twists etc! I’ve butter-flown into the beyond now, and it is more beautiful than even me, a butterfly.]

*Okay you are smart so you probably figured this out, that Aristotle did not say this? But we thought we could take some creative license with this, seeing as butterflies do not read at all, and would really only pass quotes by word of mouth [proboscis].

THE BEAR

NOTE: We do not need to tell you that bears can be really gruff. For reference maybe the movie The Revenant?

[There are rumors going around that the bear in that movie actually has sex with Leonardo DiCaprio’s character — that is not true so please see the whole movie before you use it as a reference point.]

Anyway, gruff, please! And loud! Our last voiceover artist said he bared his teeth for this one, since the bear we were able to get looks like he is roaring, with his claws up.

Can you believe Leonardo DiCaprio has not won an Oscar yet??

Bear: At first it was dark. So dark. I was scared — ha, me, a bear! But I knew I had been gruff in my life, I knew I had not always been nice, or necessarily creative, and so I did not want to end up in Bear Hell, full of poison ivy and no honey.* I know — if I love honey so much why don’t I marry it! “Honey, I’m home!” [laugh.] I am still spinning in the darkness. Perhaps this is purgatory? Is this the fate of all animals, I wonder? Is there such a thing as heaven.

*Don’t forget to bare your teeth, you’re halfway through!

THAD

NOTE: For this one, just try to sound really nice and creative. And missed! Wow do we miss Thad. We should have had him record it, had we known. But we’re sure you are doing a creative job, too! For this one, he’s got his hands in his lap and his legs crossed, so keep the vibe relaxed [but creative and nice!]

Thad: Well, I’m in heaven everybody! Phew! I knew it was real. There’s clouds all over and these really nice people who love my pipe cleaner art. They even hung it up! So sad I missed the New Star Wars, but I can see it any time I want up here — with unlimited popcorn! So you don’t have to feel bad about the whole incident with the microphone and electrocution and everything. It was worth it to hear the squid sound so squiddy! I’m so happy! I even can watch The Danish Girl. [Eddie Redmayne is heaven to me.]

Thanks so much in advance! We can’t wait to see what nice, creative voices you come up with.

Thanks Again in advance!

— Abe & Gabe Akeley