Things I Haven’t Done
Things I haven’t done.
1. gone for a run in a few days, (I have been working, but mostly on excuses.) This has never really been an issue for me in the past, running was always the reward, but recently whenever I run my knees swell as if stung by angry bees and I spend the first two miles limping and thinking about all of those smug non-runners talking to me about the inevitable knee damage i will suffer caused by running.
2. Emptied and cleaned my refrigerator properly, a task I was reminded of today by a friend’s story of a failed refrigerator that resulted in a complete purge. This story filled me with such longing and desire for my own refrigerator to fail so I could just throw everything out for gods sake, and start a new, this feeling then stirs in me a great shame and awareness of my first world problems and am then reminded that I have not donated anything to the food pantry in a long time and I am in fact a terrible selfish person.
3. Cleaned my house in a respectable manner. I woke up today fully aware that the thin membrane between premenstrual and menstrual was being threatened and all I could see in every corner were the accumulated dust bunnies, piles of magazines and odd o rings and other unidentified plastics that one of us just couldn’t bear to throw away or recycle. This awareness led to a sudden mood shift where I became certain that I was living in a human garbage pile. I was then afflicted again by shame, as people actually DO live in garbage dumps and I most decidedly DO NOT, and I am not doing enough to change this reality and therefore must be a terrible horrible person.
4. Checked when my drivers license expires, I could do this right now, but yet I am not.
5. Speaking of licenses I need to renew my professional national license and have started the tedious redundant paperwork and really should have sent it out already, but I have not because there is a bit more tedium to continue and I really just can’t be bothered except it deeply affects my work and I really need to do it but… no.
6. Sent thank you letters to all of the wonderful people who reached out after Zephyr’s death. Occassionally still someone will do something kind and I add them to the mental list of people I should have sent a handwritten thank you too, but as I mentioned earlier, I am a pretty terrible person so...
7. Transferred a payment from clients out of paypal into our business account. I was stymied by some bullshittery by both the bank and paypal and then lost total interest except it has kept me from paying myself for two months, so really I should move on this. I still haven’t checked on my license.
8. Weeded my garden that I have already spent a lot of time and money on because it’s been so hot out and the bugs and its boring and the crabgrass grows faster than a bikini line shave and I’ll do it tomorrow and I can go to the grocery store for greens and such if I really need to. (see above self hatred and conclusions and insert here)
9. Tiled our kitchen, bathroom, woodstove area, living room door area. I spent a long time accumulating “just the right tiles” for these jobs, but now when I look at them I realize I never wrote down my increadibly elaborate designs that I bought specific tiles for so I have no idea what the fuck I was planning and feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of tiles and replanning process, so from time to time I haul some of them out of the basement and quasi blame Kamal for not having all of the tools ready to go at my whim and then let them sit there for far too long before they get put back in their dusty crates and hauled back to the basement.
10. Put tiles back in crates and bring to basement.
11. Forgiven many, many people for their totally human behaviors, actions, and feelings.
12. Dealt with in any meaningful way, one of our horses annoying cough that started earlier this week. It is likely just the humidity and dust and pollen, but I got nervous and started believing it is a huge tumor obstructing her airway or resting heavily in her lungs like a wet turd and so I just moved on because that would be too heavy to deal with this week.
13. Bought stamps
14. Cleaned my car’s trunk out because, oh my god have you seen it? It takes a literal show of muscle and might to close it as there are far too many things in it, mostly reuseable bags that I don’t use for fear of having to close the trunk after retrieving them. I should give away all of the bags and just use the ones littering our mudroom. I’ll add that to the list.
15. Take the earring I found in Vail to see if it’s a real diamond. If it is then what? Maybe it belonged to someone who worked really hard and cleaned toilets for a living and this earring was the only thing she had left of her fully dead family and she is lost in grief and worry and continues to hope she will find it one day when she least expects it except she wont because I took it home to Massachusetts and am carrying it around in my change purse hoping it’s real and that I can sell it and finally buy that snazzy pair of Frye clogs I have always wanted. But if it’s fake I’ll probably just throw it out, because who wants someone else’s fake diamond shoved in their earring hole? Not me. I know this whole scenario affirms my terrible nature. I think I’ll check my license renewal date now and cross it off the list.