Listen Like A Therapist: A Guide On How To Become A Better Listener

We all hear about how people are looking for good listeners.

More and more good listeners are needed, especially because the world is just so tough right now. As a teenager, I have lots of friends who need someone to talk to. Through listening and research, I learned the do’s and don’ts of listening.

We all need ourselves a therapist, but not everybody can be one.

Here’s how you can listen like a therapist, and help your friends deal with their problems.

Let’s start with what not to do.

There are A LOT of common mistakes that people do, and most likely, you do, too.

Avoid telling them you know how they feel. This is not an effective technique. Remember, emotions are subjective, people experience them differently. How you feel and how you cope with your problems are different than how other people deal with their problems.

Do not ask them to stop recognizing the problem. They are asking you for help, to talk about their problem. Their problem is not nothing. Don’t ask them to stop thinking about their problems, or to start crying. That’s why they’re talking to you.

Do not tell them they should feel a certain way. Phrases like “you should be thankful it’s not worse,” “you should view this in a positive way,” and others are not helpful. What they’re feeling right now won’t change just by words, you have to help them cope with their problems.

Do not tell them that their problem is nothing. Worse than asking them to not to mind the problem is telling them that it’s nothing. Nobody wants to be invalidated, especially when they’re opening their heart to you.

So, what should you do?

Just listen. Keep yourself from giving your thoughts and suggestions. Remember, this is supposed to be about them, not you.

Confirm what they’re saying. After certain amounts of information, ask them “so you mean you feel like X, because Y?”. This reassures them that you are listening. This also helps you identify which parts you should focus on.

Ask “what was it like for you?” Have them tell you what they feel. Sometimes it’s tough for people to find the words to describe their situation, so make sure you treat this part with patience and care.

Validate their feelings. Regularly remind them that what they are feeling and how they are reacting are natural. As humans, we seek validation that we are not different, that people feel troubled, too.

Ask what they want to do about it. Have them think of the solution, and this part is crucial. Help them realize that they have the ability to think about what they should do. They are strong, and they can face this challenge; you are just there to help them.

How to be a good listener?

Listen, and never make it about you or your suggestions.

Remember that you are just there to guide them. You are just helping them reach to the conclusion that they want. You are helping them find the answers they are looking for.

You are not a therapist, but you can be a good listener.