Oftentimes when we’ve been hurt, all we want is acknowledgement and care from the person who hurt us. So what do we do with the people who never seem to say, “I’m sorry”?
If you’re familiar with the four styles of communication, I’ll be talking about them as they relate to the styles of non-apologies that I’ve experienced. I use three of the four styles of communication as a way to identify patterns in the people we deal with, and also to differentiate them from more malicious responses when confronting harm-done. If you’re looking for what the fourth style — an assertive apology — looks like, you can read the first post in this series, “Owning Our Part.”
This post contains some heavy stuff and descriptions that may be triggering, so take a break or stop reading if and when you need to.
PASSIVE RESPONSES
Passive responses often sound like apologies. In my experience, compassionate passive-communicators will appear to be (and usually are) genuinely distressed that you’ve been hurt… but when it comes time to take responsibility for their actions, the way they frame their responses makes it seem like the hurt just sort of happened. They will always have an explanation for their actions, and they tend to believe that if they are not being forgiven that it is because they are not being understood. Commonly, there seems to be a lack of awareness that explanations and justifications are not apologies. They will often say sorry, but won’t name the ways they contributed, or own the actions they took. When confronted they will divert blame. These types of communicators often have good intentions, but can be oblivious to the ways they’re skirting around the tough, uncomfortable aspects of an apology.
Passive responses look like:
- Shrinking when confronted — becoming small, quiet, sagging posture
- Collapsing inward a fit of anxiety, self-pity or self-denigration — inconsolable about the situation or accusations against them
- Solving problems by soothing your feelings rather than changing their behavior.
- “I feel horrible that you think that about me.” — delivered with genuine sadness
- “I’m sorry if you were hurt.”
- “I’m so sorry you took it that way.”
- “I was just trying to _____.”
- “I just…”
- “I’d really like to apologize,” but never actually names their hurtful actions or says “I’m sorry.”
When respectfully confronted about their lack of direct accountability they might:
- Justify their reaction.
- Mention or demonstrate that they feel attacked; get defensive.
- React with distress and confusion if you don’t accept their non-apology or “explanation”
- Be reluctant or unwilling to leave emotional conflict unresolved, especially if you haven’t “forgiven” them or you remain upset. Seek to avoid sitting with uncomfortable feelings or interpersonal discord in favor of smoothing things over.
- “Why are you being so difficult/aggressive?”
- “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”
- “I’m just trying to explain.”
- “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
- “I’m just…”
AGGRESSIVE RESPONSES
Aggressive non-apologies are often easier to spot given their overt nature. Aggressive doesn’t always have to mean yelling and physical violence. Aggressive non-apologies often don’t feature “I’m sorry,” but they can. People who react this way may blow up at you, sheepishly apologize for blowing up, and then “forget” to circle back to the original issue. In my experience, they’ll blow up first, then move into other kinds of responses. This tends to come from a wounded place where they misinterpret confrontation or requests for accountability as attacks on their personhood. They feel threatened or deeply wounded by the thought that they have done something ‘wrong’ or are wrong (shame) and can lash out as a way of denying their feelings. In the process though, they also deny yours. Their inability to confront themselves isn’t about you, but unfortunately it means that your feelings and your experience get lost in the discussion.
Aggressive responses look like:
- Yelling the apology
- Expanded posture — standing when you’re sitting, leaning forward, getting in your personal space, stomping, fist clenching, large sudden gestures
- Interrogating your version of events and nit-picking details
- Demanding evidence and explanations for the accusations, including details of their own actions — time, place, exact sequences of what was said or done
- Extending or amplifying the argument unnecessarily to be more serious or broader in scope than it is
- Giving up when there are small snags in the flow of the conversation, like miscommunication or mishearing
- Extreme impatience with you, your word choice, or your understanding
- Extreme impatience with themselves, their ability to communicate clearly, their understanding of the issue
- “I’M SORRY. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?”
- “I’m sorry but that’s just the way I am.”
When respectfully confronted about their aggression they might:
- Yell louder
- Blame you for their reaction
- Simmer, and continue to make excuses longterm
- Blame their reaction on their pride or how seriously they take things (including how strongly they care about you)
- Disengage, become passive or passive-aggressive
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE RESPONSES
Passive-Aggressive responses can be challenging to identify. At first glance, the wording of passive-aggressive responses will often look right, but the “apology” will be delivered in an edged tone, or bookended by underhanded or disingenuous comments. People using this communication style will appear disingenuous or cold, and will covertly be angling for something other than addressing your feelings or taking responsibility — for example, getting out of trouble or getting back at you for confronting their behaviour.
Sometimes passive-aggressive reactions can appear more passive than aggressive. I find this particular version of passive-aggression to be especially difficult to parse; by all accounts they appear to shrink at the thought of hurting you, but are hiding (intentionally or not) their anger and jabs incredibly well. These particular patterns are built on the understanding that passivity and meekness can get people to back off a confrontation; as such, the passive-aggressive person’s shrinking or appearing hurt will be disproportionate to the conflict.
Passive-aggressive responses are similar to aggressive responses in that this person finds confrontation threatening or difficult, and they struggle with addressing the feelings that come up for them when they’ve made a mistake. Again, this means that your feelings are not centred because they are more focused on protecting themselves.
Passive-Aggressive responses look like:
- Removing themselves from the situation without explanation, radio silence
- Closed posture — arms folded, looking away
- Eye-rolling
- Categorizing all the ways that they help you or did things right in that situation or other situations
- “Oh so I’m just a terrible person now.” This is an attempt to twist the intentions and derail your confrontation so that you feel guilted into “correcting” their assumptions with compliments or qualifying statements such as, “No no no, you’re not a terrible person! You’re great. I didn’t mean it like that.”
- “I’m sorry you feel that way.” — snapping tone, lacking compassion or softness
- “I’m sorry I can’t live up to your standards.”
- “I can’t believe you would think of me like that.”
- “After everything I’ve done…”
- “Fine.”
- “Whatever.”
When respectfully confronted about their passive-aggression they might:
- Deny it or attempt to blame you for their reaction
- Walk away or refuse to engage
- “You’re not perfect either, last week you…”
- “I can’t do anything right.”
- “I’m trying to apologize and you’re attacking me.”
TOXIC MANIPULATIVE RESPONSES
Trust your gut. If you feel that someone is intentionally trying to mislead you about their motives or behaviour, then take action. You don’t owe anyone the benefit of the doubt, and you’re allowed to set boundaries and respectfully keep your distance if someone gives you the wiggins or leaves you feeling unsafe or exploited. For example, you may want to consider that a person is not operating with good intentions if after conflict you routinely feel that you:
- are losing sight of your wants and needs,
- are a different person around them — less confident, more sad or angry,
- are unsure of the boundaries or expectations of the relationship, and attempts at clarification leave you feeling increasingly confused,
- are confused by the events during, or leading up to a conflict,
- are drawn to them but something feels “off”
- don’t know what to say and are increasingly careful about your words and actions in a way that feels anxious or aimless.
When it comes to apologies, manipulation can run the gamut of passive, passive-aggressive, and aggressive behaviour. Some people are very good at seeming proactive while they intentionally try to erode your trust in yourself.
Tactics for Manipulative Non-Apologies include:
- Redirecting blame by steering the conversation away from their hurtful actions and onto yours instead
- Twisting your words or overblowing statements, including things that are not being discussed
- Framing any choice other than forgiving them as intentional cruelty on your part
- Love-bombing. Diverting your attention and avoiding responsibility by pouring energy into soothing your feelings, making you feel better, doting on you, etc.
-Maligning your feelings to suggest that you’re being manipulative by expressing yourself
- “Crying is emotional blackmail.”
-Routinely collapsing in on themselves when confronted:
- routinely threatening to harm themselves when you raise a grievance
- routinely harming themselves when you raise a grievance, and pinning their self-harm on your decision to address a concern — crying so long and so intensely that they cannot carry on a conversation, never returning to the topic when they are calm, and only reacting this way when confronted
- Flattery:
- highlighting your compassion and understanding
- emphasizing your love for them, or their love for you.
- highlighting how long you’ve been their child/friend/coworker/partner/
- “You’re so kind. I knew you’d never throw me away.”
-Trying to rewrite your version of events or calling into question your memory of them (gaslighting)
- Telling you you’re too sensitive/can’t handle anything
- “Shh it’s okay. You’re just not remembering right.”
- “Are you sure that didn’t happen with someone else? Cause that wasn’t me.”
- “We both know your memory is terrible.”
-Placing consequences for their actions in your hands:
- Intentionally highlighting what will happen to them if you don’t forgive them or if you speak about the harm they caused
- “You have the power to destroy my [reputation/career/long term relationship etc].”
-Blaming your lack of forgiveness for negative consequences, rather than their actions:
- “Our relationship will never be the same if you don’t forgive me.” (It was never going to be the same anyway.)
- “This will make it difficult to work together.” (They made it difficult to work together.)
- “One of us will never see our friends.” (Invitations go two ways.)
- “Where will I go for the holidays?” (Wherever else they want.)
When confronted, people who regularly employ toxic manipulation will switch tactics. They may move from overblowing to flattery, or from flattery to collapsing. Each shift will be an attempt to hook you back in so they can continue to manipulate you, save their reputation, feel powerful, avoid consequences, or simply get away with doing what they want. If someone’s behaviour is malicious or unacceptable to you, you are allowed and encouraged to take action to distance yourself.
HOW DO WE RESOLVE THIS?
Non-apologies in all their forms can be challenging to recognize, let alone confront. Sometimes — maybe most times — it isn’t worth our energy to forcibly eek out accountability from people who are struggling with it (and it doesn’t work that way anyway), and that’s okay. We may be tired of the emotional heavy-lifting required to give the benefit of the doubt. We may know that these people have big hearts and just wish they could get out of their own way. It’s nice to think that everyone is trying their best, but sometimes their best still hurts us, and that’s okay too. Accepting that we might not get closure might be difficult, but sometimes it’s necessary; at such times, self care and seeking support from someone outside the situation can help. Remember: even though helping each other grow is part of community care, other people’s reactions are not our responsibility, and we can’t do the work for them, only support them. Pointing out their lack of accountability and then letting it be is a totally valid course of action. If you wish to do more then it helps to have strong, direct boundaries and express clear, actionable needs. This can help us find resolution, and make it clear whether things are improving or not.
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