I Found “Why” in my times of complete darkness
We are often looking for an answer to the question: how to succeed? Think for a moment, and ask yourself, how many times have you searched for answers to questions such as: why am I doing this; what is my “why”, my motivation; what is my “why” that will push me on when I only have self-doubt? Have you found the answers? Keep reading to find out how I found my “why” that saved my life.
In my presentations, after I tell people that the “why” is more important than the “how to”, I often get asked the following question: “So, what is your “why”, Miha?” Well, here is the biggest “why” that helped me get through a very dark phase.
As a matter of fact, I have many “why’s” in my life. Each and every one of them helps me stay determined with certain situations.
But a while ago, this wasn’t exactly the case. It was December, 2009. My companies and my whole life fell apart, so I entered into a terrible depression. My days were full of anxiety, loss of hope and I was considering suicide.
I can still remember smoking a cigarette in the 4th floor, looking down and thinking how easy it could be to just throw myself down and end it all because I couldn’t see the light.
Thinking such a thing is the lowest I have ever been. In the following months, it would surprise me to find myself still alive, since everyday was harder and harder than the previous one. It’s a pretty satirical point of view but my inner monologue basically was “will I even be alive next month?”
It is extremely strange to think about it now, that my life has changed so dramatically. I make plans two or three months in advance. Back then, I wouldn’t even plan anything because I didn’t know if I’d be alive that far ahead.
The “why” that got me out…
There was one huge reason that helped me to get back on my feet. And, ironically, it involves one of the stupidest things I ever did. In one of my four companies, there was a big multimillion project for which I had to go to the bank and get a credit for. When you ask for such a huge amount, they ask you for collaterals, so I put everything that I owned. But not only that, I went and asked my mom if she could be a guarantee as well with a mortgage on her house.
I’m always telling people to never do something as stupid as this. If you can’t get the credit, don’t put your personal things –important things– at risk like that. You might end up losing everything.
In reality, though, this was the most awful thing to do but in the end, it was what saved me. I’m not sure if I’d still be alive now if it hadn’t been for that mistake. I probably would have killed myself if it hadn’t been for that mortgage.
To think about my mom and what would have happened to her tortured me so much! She was retired without a big pension. If I didn’t solve the problem, there would be nothing left for her. She could even end up in the streets! I didn’t want to let that happen at all.
So I stood up, step by step, and carried on. That was the reason that gave me strength. I couldn’t afford to think about suicide anymore. I wouldn’t just leave my mom like that. That was my choice. I thought then “I just need to buckle up and push myself and solve the shit that I caused, because this is my fault.” I took the responsibility and fought to make things better again.
Yes, it was stupid to do such a thing as to risk my mom’s house in the first place. But I think that, by now we know that mistakes make us stronger and wiser. I took this and made it my “why”. It pushed me forward and that’s how I’m here now.
There’s no point in life if you don’t have something to fight for. All kinds of struggle are based on hope.
This was my story, but how are you going to make your own story?
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