“The reluctance to put away childish things may be a requirement of genius.” ~ Rebecca Pepper Sinkler
When I drove my grandkids to their high school this morning, both my granddaughters were complaining about feeling tired and sick. Then one remembered the time when they were little that one was quarantined in her room with both flu and strep throat. By the time we were halfway to the school, both were laughing about how they had spent hours talking and playing Barbies with each other through the door of the bedroom. The memory of that childhood experience produced a positive change in both of their attitudes.
Pop psychology has acquainted us with the process of working with the child within us, our “inner child,” to improve our mental and spiritual health. To accomplish this, we must first recognize and communicate with that inner child.
We are all complex characters, and the child within us will have multiple facets also. The most well-known is the Playful Child, the healthy aspect of our inner child. This is the self who is creative, high-spirited, uninhibited, imaginative, and fun-loving. Our adult self may stifle this characteristic because we’ve been told not to act childish.
Other aspects of our inner child must be dealt with in order to attain healthy psychological growth. These characteristics are usually the result of negative experiences and issues that have been carried over from childhood.
The Abandoned Child often manifests in adults who are children of divorce or adoption and causes feelings of insecurity, desertion, and rejection.
The Neglected Child feels lonely, withdrawn, and unworthy of love as the result of the lack of nurturing in childhood.
The Spoiled Child appears at the opposite end of the spectrum and is impatient and prone to temper tantrums if they don’t get what they want, when they want it.
The Fearful Child was frequently criticized as they were growing, so they suffer from anxiety and trepidation with a need for frequent encouragement and positive affirmation.
The Disconnected Child never learned to be close to anyone, so they find it difficult to trust, be intimate, and show affection.
The Discounted Child was ignored and invisible, resulting in the need of loving attention and positive valuation.
I have seldom suppressed my Playful Child. As I mentioned in my last post, my sense of childlike wonder has remained with me into adulthood. However, I have been forced to deal with my Fearful Child because, as I pointed out in the second post in this series, it has prevented me from doing many of the things I have wanted to do.
My father and paternal grandfather, who were daily influences in my life, were both highly critical and judgmental. Consequently, I grew up with low self-esteem and little confidence in my talents and abilities. To heal my Fearful Child, I’ve learned to respect my inner critic, but suppress any negative self-talk. My self-confidence has increased, and I’ve given myself permission to fail.
I also have a bit of the Disconnected Child in me. Our family was not demonstrative, and we discouraged any displays of love and affection. When I joined a 12-Step group over 30 years ago, it took me a very long time to get used to all the hugging that went on. I don’t remember ever being hugged by my parents, nor did I often hug my own children beyond their toddler years. I still don’t hug with abandon, but I’m working on it.
The Spoiled Child I made peace with out of necessity when I was in my twenties. As a first-time mother with a husband in college, we had few funds to spoil ourselves. I learned to make due with what I had, and didn’t spoil my children. However, I still tend to be somewhat impatient and have problems with my temper, but it’s unrelated to any need for instant gratification.
If you’re thinking about connecting with the child within you, here are a few tips for recognizing and dealing with your inner child:
- Recall memories of your childhood, both the negative and positive, to help you identify your specific inner child.
- Get in tune with your feelings so you can relate them to your childhood experiences that may have influenced them.
- Write a letter to each of your inner child characters requesting their forgiveness and pledging to meet their needs and offer support.
- Restrain your critical voice and offer a safe space for your inner child to reveal itself.
- Allow yourself to be creative, exuberant, curious, silly, and adventurous in order to nurture your healthy Playful Child.
Which of the inner child characteristics do you feel you might have?
NOTE: This is the year I celebrate (?) seven decades residing on this planet. My journey so far has taught me many life lessons, so I decided to share some of them with you. I’ll be posting one each day from Thanksgiving to Christmas.
Yesterday: Be Curious
Tomorrow: Forgive, But Don’t Forget
