I used to cry myself to sleep most nights thinking about how id never be good enough for you. I thought the worst pain I would have to feel was when id catch you being unfaithful. The day I left you, The day I knew loving you was not worth this pain, I thought that was the end. After 2 and a half years I thought maybe you’d let me go.
Not a single thing you put me through has ever caused me as much pain as the day you took everything from me. That was the day you made me weak. I didn’t love you anymore, I didn’t care if you left me. So I finally said “no”, because i wasn’t yours anymore. I didn’t have to say yes in fear of losing you. You had someone new and I was madly in love with an amazing guy. I guess you still felt entitled to what i had though, because ‘no’ meant nothing to you.
I was in denial for a long time about what had happened that day. I remember coming home and just thinking of how pissed my parent were going to be at me. I wasn’t really sad, if anything maybe just a little scared. I don’t really know what happened after that. I took a shower but it was just like everything hit me all at once. I turned the water all the way up and I didn’t care that it was burning my skin, I wanted every mark and fingerprint gone off my body. I remember I was home alone, my soft crying had turned into an unbearable scream. It was like a bad dream. My brother in law was the one that found me, he was the first to come home. I just remember him trying to ask me what had happened but i couldn’t talk all i could do was lay in bed screaming. I wasn’t even sure why I was screaming, it just felt like that was the only way I could breath. Even after all this I hated my mom for making me talk to the police. One of the first questions the officer had asked was “did he rape or try to rape me”. The word rape scared me, honestly I wasn’t even sure what it meant. Thinking about all the years we spent together it just didn’t make sense that you would try to do that to me. I told the officer I wasn’t sure. He continued by asking me a series of questions; Did you say no or tell him to stop? “yes many times” Did he try pinning you down forcefully? “yes”… I started to realize that it wasn’t just about that day. It was about the countless times forcing yourself onto me and me just taking it because I thought as a girlfriend that’s what I had to do. It was about the times in your car when I told you I didn’t want to but you grabbed my hair and pushed my head down. Finally there was a word that gave me some sort of validation. Rape.
I read stories of women and young girls that have been sexually assaulted in such horrible ways. I feel like they are the real victims, they are the ones that need the most support. When I think of them I feel stupid for crying over something so little. It wasn’t rape. There was no penetration. So why is it that when I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling, tears start to pour. I feel the weight of your body holding me down again. I remember every place your hands touched me that evening. All i can do is lay there frozen, tears pouring from my eye. But are these feelings even valid? It could have been much worse. It wasn’t rape.