FREEDOM: Practices for expanding my personal freedom
What visuals come up when you see that word, “FREEDOM?” If you were born before 1990 it has to evoke at least somewhat Mel Gibson in the movie Braveheart.
Or maybe you picture George W. Bush standing on an aircraft carrier, declaring victory in Iraq. For all his faults, his messaging was direct, simple and concise…
For most, there is also likely a strong association with country. When I stop to look at the word, I can almost see a waving US flag appear behind the word.
In the context of country, one of the perhaps trite responses to why America is the best country on earth is because, ‘freedom’.
But what does that mean?
Sure, we are a democracy and we are governed by laws and have the freedom of speech, to bear arms, etc. But is there more to it than that? Why do we as Americans, as human beings, resonate so strongly with wanting to be free?
And if freedom is truly the ultimate goal and the highest virtue what would it mean to be more free — to master freedom?
After a very challenging November last year, overwhelmed with the stress of starting a new business and facing some health challenges, I decided to take some active steps to find more peace and balance. I needed some outside help. My coping strategies were not working.
In the course of the last year I pursued help in a number of formats, and looking back I began to recognize the extent to which each of these new practices had begun to build a renewed and new sense of freedom.
I went to a naturopath and received diet and supplement recommendations. I took a transcendental meditation (TM) course, I began to see a professional coach who introduced me to a number of new concepts and narratives to incorporate into my life, and I found playfulness in a movement program called GMB Elements. Each of these contributed to a sense of freedom.
As I’ve written about before, I started a business a little over two years ago. Freedom, for me, has always been an explicit and prioritized goal and deciding to run my own business seemed to me to be a path toward more freedom. Running my own business, I would have the freedom to schedule my own time, to pursue my own interests, take leave on my time, and most importantly to create and develop a business after my own vision and passions.
I embarked on a path toward developing more freedom… or so I thought.
In doing so I quickly ran into the reality that the freedom that I was garnering in starting my own business was reducing my freedom. I chose to start a business to increase my autonomy, to be able to do what I wanted, but the reality of a new more constricted budget reduced my ability to purchase what I want, to go out when I want, to travel where I want. I was my own boss, but of a spreadsheet and a pitch deck on my own computer. Couldn’t I be managing a portfolio of projects and other people if I were working for someone else?
I also rapidly lost other freedoms. With new responsibility, stress caused me to lose the freedom to sleep through the night and the freedom to enjoy myself, stress and shame free. Everyone knows that starting a business can be stressful, but the way that this stress manifests itself, while different for everyone, for me meant an enormous amount of shame.
Am I letting my family down for not pursuing a more conventional and financially secure career? Am I embarrassing myself with my friends for not earning a paycheck and for pursuing something that does not have the perceived prestige of a bank, consulting or tech firm?
Fortunately, this was not my first time at a startup and I had some experience, for better or worse, with these negative emotions before. And when I started my new endeavor, this time I was (slightly more) prepared.
I made myself a few promises before starting my business. Knowing the pressure I am able to put on my self, I promised myself that I would not let the goal of the business, even this business crafted after my own interests and passions to get in the way of my happiness and health.
So, when my health and vitality began to suffer from lack of sleep, intense stress and shame, I took note and decided it was time to work through some of these issues. Or, if that failed I would find something else to do - another line of work.
Before finding some better avenues for my stress and health issues, I first let myself sleep for a week. If I’m being honest, this was actually the final symptom that proved to me that I had a larger issue than I had acknowledged.
I woke up Monday morning and I simply could not get out of bed. I couldn’t work. I slept all day — not sleeping well mind you, but I could not keep my eyes open nor could I sleep very long. The same thing happened Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I struggled out of bed to get some food but I was up for less than an hour at a time. My body and mind was deeply tired.
My goals for the week were downgraded to the simple task of purchasing a plane ticket to go see my family for my sister’s birthday. It took me until Thursday to accomplish even this small task. I realized that week that I was not a healthy person dealing with some mild fatigue and stress — I was the unhealthy person in the health books that are always talked about; adrenal fatigue, trouble sleeping, constant brain fog, stress and shame. I needed to change something.
A visit to the naturopath: vitamins and a new diet
While visiting my family in California I went to see a naturopath. On top of my fatigue and brain fog, I had suffered from athlete’s foot for the previous two years and despite trying every doctor prescribed steroid and home remedy I could not get rid of it. The naturopath recommend I take a dozen or so vitamins a day, 2–3 times a day and that I go off dairy, beef and booze.
I relented and decided to follow this regimen for six weeks. As part of my new diet I began cooking most of my meals at home, and while they were simple — a simple salad or avocado toast — they were also healthier than the takeout I was invariably eating for all my meals. I did cheat a few times but at the end of six weeks I had lost eight pounds and the athlete’s foot I had struggled with for the previous two years had cleared up completely. I sent a picture to my sister and cousin of just my feet because I was so excited.
By January 15th, I was no longer struggling with brain fog or fatigue, let alone an afternoon lull. I had regained some freedom, but I still was sleeping inconsistently and waking up many nights extremely anxious. I chose to continue my journey.
Meditation: Dealing with stress head on
I had an on again off again relationship with meditation but when it was recommended along with glowing reviews that I try out transcendental meditation TM and I decided to give it a shot.
For all the research I had done beforehand both online and talking to friends and family, I was not prepared for the unexpected fact that I hated the experience of going through TM training. I hated schlepping uptown for all these sessions for four straight days, I hated the mantra I was given, and I hated how it made me feel.
On the third day of the four day program I walked in feeling fine, excited that perhaps this being the third day I wouldn’t despise meditating using this new technique quite so much. Just maybe, today would be the day it started working. It wasn’t. I walked in hopeful and I walked out angry. On the way back to the office I was enraged, the littlest thing seeming it could set me off.
This was beyond a little frustration with the instructor or the pace of the training. I was nuts! I e-mailed my instructor and told them I wasn’t leaving my meditation feeling peaceful and enlightened… I wanted to punch my hand through a wall.
The instructor told me it seemed I was dealing with a lot of stress (hello!!!) and that I might consider meditating for shorter periods of time. That’s all you’ve got for me?!
Despite the setbacks I decided to keep pushing and continuing with TM. And eventually, it happened. I slept through the night! No middle of the night, 3 am wakeup in a terror and fear about the choices I had made in my life.
And then the next night the same thing happened and the night after that too.
I began to look at TM, even though it still wasn’t entirely pleasant, as a choice between being handed stress to me on its terms - in the middle of the night - or on my terms — at a time and place of my choosing.
I began meditating for an hour a day and more on the weekends. My calculus was that I was losing three or four hours of sleep at night with a feeling of intense anxiety and fear. By comparison an hour of meditation seemed like a good trade. TM provided me the freedom to choose when I felt stressed, and also gave me more balance and grounding in the way I experienced life.
Coaching: New tools for garnering authenticity
As I was considering going through the TM program, I had also begun looking for some outside help to increase my productivity in my business. Things were moving along, but I was constantly feeling that I wasn’t making progress as quickly as I would have liked. I needed something that could help me move quicker, that could help me take my foot off the brake and double down on the gas. I was introduced by a friend to rave reviews to Didier Sylvain.
Didier has spent the last twelve years helping people through coaching. From his bio, it says, Didier “helps individuals and groups become fuller and more integrated versions of themselves — so they can deliver powerfully on the things they care about most.” I went through a two-day one-on-one intensive program with six months of follow-up.
Initially, I thought I would learn some tips and tricks for productivity for putting off procrastination and for following through with my goals. In my business I still work alone so I figured some good tricks for keeping myself honest and building self-discipline could prove helpful. But the experience went much much deeper than that.
Didier provides frameworks and containers to fill out self-understanding. During the two day intensive sessions, there were exercises to understand the past, the present, and to make some informed choices about the future. With this information, it was possible for me to write new narratives around my personal story, stories that reflect a positive and perhaps more honest assessment than the one we often tell ourselves when in the midst of the rat race.
I left with new tools for processing my lows, and since going through the course with Didier nearly five months ago have found that my relationship with shame has been completely transformed.
Sure, I feel bad for this or that from time to time and even feel shame once in a while but I now recognize this story as a lie or only part-truth and know that this negative feeling, while seemingly real in the moment, is likely a reflection of a fleeting emotion, as opposed to the deep truth in which it is often camouflaged.
I also had some new understanding around what some of my patterns for negative emotions are and what the antidotes to these emotions are, which I carry with me in the case of my phone. I learned to think positively about myself and to take pride in my accomplishments in addition to my struggles and current efforts!
My work with Didier provided me not only the freedom from shame but also the freedom to like myself, and maybe even find some self-love!
One of the exercises that was facilitated during the two-day intensive session, Didier referred to as the Heart Exercise. The exercise was preceded by some qi gong, a playful free flow form of tai chi to help you ground into your body. Following the qi gong exercise, Didier requested that I lie on the ground and that I think about not only of the verbal responses that arise when he asks me a number of questions, but that I also pay attention to the feelings and sensations that arise in my body — the so-called somatic response. The experience surprised by how raw and honest my reaction was. One of the questions Didier asked me was, “what does your heart long for?”
I have a lot of cerebral responses to this question. I want a nice watch. I want a bigger apartment. I want my company to take off. I want my friends to think I’m fun and smart. I want my family to love me and know that I love them. But the very clear response to Dider’s question that sprang forth in my mind and body was: I want to play!
I am thirty-four years old. I have more fun than most my age, but I am not exactly going out and play-ing, nor, for that matter was the word play even in my every day lexicon, and that in part was the problem.
I go out with friends, I play sports and work out. But with this answer to the question Didier asked me, ‘what does your heart long for’ I realized that none of this was playful, or lighthearted.
When seeing friends I was on, and when playing sports or working out I was striving — to win, to be better, to become more fit. None of the activities in my life were action for its own sake.
I was a pressure cooker, trying to maximize every minute of time and never letting myself off the hook to just look around explore and enjoy — to play.
I left the session clear in the fact that I needed to find a way to incorporate more play into my life but without any clear path as to what that meant. I set the intention and continued with my life.
GMB — A study in movement; and Play
Months after the session, I came across a program called GMB. I have had a bad back for the last five or so years and more recently a bad shoulder, forearm and wrist. When I first injured my back and couldn’t move off the floor without intense pain I discovered the Egoscue Method which provided quick and immense relief to my back woes, but I had grown tired of the static and passive stretching so when I came across GMB, I was intrigued. It seemed to adhere to the same philosophy as Egoscue but in a more playful way. I signed up for their introductory program Elements.
On GMB’s ‘about’ page, they write, “what if you could wake up every day and know that your body was ready to handle everything you wanted it to do?” “GMB is about creating physical autonomy and freedom in your life.” The program is focused around improving strength, agility, and range of motion in a fun and free flow way.
The core of the Elements program is learning to master moving in three primary movements designed after the motions of a frog, bear and monkey. There are no set reps or prescribed path. You learn the moves and then you walk on all fours like a bear, move like a monkey and hop around like a frog. It’s a surprisingly difficult workout — when is the last time you’ve walked on all fours — and strengthens often neglected muscles like the wrist, forearm and shoulder. I loved it. When you go through the program they even have a part in each of the daily workouts titled ‘play.’ In this part of the daily workout you playfully freestyle move through some of the motions from the week.
Walking across the floor like a bear, or hopping feet over hands like a frog certainly requires an ability to laugh at yourself. And that was what ‘play’ is all about — giving yourself permission to not take yourself too seriously. To do something just because… because you enjoy it.
GMB gave me the freedom not only to move better and to achieve some of the movement goals I have but also showed me what play was, and helped me even occasionally not take myself too seriously. I have since started the second program in the GMB lineup, Vitamin, which takes movement up a notch, and am excited to continue to continue to explore strength and flexibility in a playful way.
This week I found myself down a youtube rabbit hole learning about Ido Portal, a master of movement of the human body, wondering why I was so enthralled by his philosophy and what he does.
In my own movement practice of attempting a handstand or a somersault, there is certainly the promise of increasing my range of motion and strength, but the payoff of these gains do not explain my draw to this work in its entirety. It was then that I started thinking about freedom and what it meant. And what the idea of increasing freedom means.
Finding Freedom
I didn’t begin my journey over the last year to find more freedom in my life. Initially, the goal was only to sleep through the night and stay energized through the day but in my pursuit of finding help to grow my business and to grow as a person, I found some tools that do enhance my freedom.
Having energy during the day is freedom, sleeping without waking up in fear is freedom, having the ability to love myself is freedom and being able to find play as a thirty-four year old is freedom. Freedom is choice!
Having paralyzing stress is a lack of freedom, having a bad back that doesn’t allow you to move off the floor is a lack of freedom and being subject to your internal thoughts telling you are not good enough or that you are a disappointment to yourself, your family or friends is not freedom.
In the last year I have learned that I can practice and enhance my freedom. Freedom is having the ability to choose, to choose to move or dance or play or to sleep or think in peace or even build a business.
I am far from a master in any of these endeavors or activities. I don’t meditate every day or even every week, I can’t run an eight minute mile or do a handstand without the help of a wall, but I have found some practices that work for me. These practices put the control back in my court for how and on what terms I live my life. So, echoing the sentiment of the words of William Wallace in Braveheart, I choose “FREEDOM!!!”
