AN OPEN LETTER TO ‘MURICA HATERS WORLDWIDE

M. C. Napier High School, Hazard, KY, Nov. 2016

From the communications I’ve had recently with my friends and family overseas as well as from what I’m hearing from my friends and family who travel for a living, it is very clear that the new global pastime is relentlessly bashing Americans. As much fun as our popular comedians and entertainers are having, it sounds like those from other countries are having an even better time lampooning us. So I’m getting on my high and mighty social media soapbox to speak directly to them:

To all of you foreigners out there wondering if it’s really as bad as it seems… IS the U.S. really as ignorant, selfish, racist, xenophobic and violent as it appears? No. It’s WORSE when you actually have to live with these assholes!

You say, “Well, move away!” That’s a very reasonable response and it’s the same one that plenty of the assholes I just mentioned give. “Love it or leave it, you goddamned snowflake! Go find a safe space somewhere where you can try to figure out if you have a penis or a vagina or both!” As asshole-ish as that may sound, you have to admit it’s colorful and it’s not a suggestion without it’s merits.

But in order to “leave it” I would need to move somewhere where I can make a decent living. I mean, I’m barely doing that here and its true that most of the things we Americans buy are made in other countries so it should be really easy to find a good job abroad? Right?

Nope.

The vast majority of jobs out there in the great big world that I could do without getting a brand new education are manufacturing jobs for goods that are imported by the same American companies who used to pay their fellow Americans to make them. Those American businesses figured out how to pay people all over the world as little as mathematically possible because those pinko unions demanded livable wages and hours and expensive safety measures. They had to find a greener, hungrier workforce pasture. It required a political effort that took decades but good ole American ingenuity prevailed and business leaders somehow managed to pay politicians of all stripes and parties to work hard and “reach across the aisles” and even compromise! They got those jobs out of this country and away from those pesky unions and into the rest of the world, where they could get away with paying people peanuts and working them seventy hours a week (if they were very lucky). So those jobs are out.

That pretty much leaves me in the same industry I’m in now — the media. Ugh. As all Americans know and have been told over and over again, that industry is run by the devil. The devil is the original international corporate media tycoon and from what I gather he has a shadowy umbrella company that controls Viacom, Sony and Huffington Post. Those three companies have their own shadowy umbrella companies that own everything EXCEPT InfoWars and I can’t get a job there because when I get a buzz I make fun of Alex Jones on Twitter.

The other shitty thing about the communications industry is it’s insidious ties with language. Because I was educated in a school system that has been systematically phasing out foreign languages, I have only one language to go with so I’m limited to the English-speaking countries. English-speaking foreign guys are gonna mercilessly tease me the minute they hear my accent. I could develop an accent but it would take a lot of time. Also, there are all those Alex Jones tweets that they will look up if I tell them I’m Canadian. I’m not going to be able to hide the fact that I’m one of those hateful Americans and I’m gonna get beat up on my way to the lunchroom.

I wish I had been forced to learn a second language — that it was a required part of my education from kindergarten and never an elective. That’s the way it is in almost every other developed nation. Why is it not that way here? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s too hard? I suspect it has more to do with national pride and a deep-seated belief Americans shouldn’t kowtow to people from different nations. I mean, after all, that shit we went through with the British… Who speak english… Right. Well, we also had to deal with those damned Spaniards and the freedom-hating French and remember Pearl Harbor!

That means I’m stuck with the English-speaking countries. Like I said, I’m positive that when they are my co-workers they will goof on me relentlessly and assume that I am boorish and stupid because of American male stereotypical fictional characters like Archie Bunker, Homer Simpson and Donald Trump. They are clearly going to pay me less and rob me at every single opportunity. Fuckers.

You want to hear the kicker? Even if I decide to “leave it,” as they say, I’m STILL going to be stuck with the same shitty movies, TV shows & music. I’m STILL going to be inundated with images of Ryan Gosling every time I turn on the fucking computer. I’m STILL going to hear Kanye West blasting out of pissy white kid’s BMWs. And yes, I’m STILL going to hear Agent Orange Asshat’s voice every time I’m bored enough to listen to the radio.

And then there’s the fact that we adopted most of our shittiest class-based biases from the European nations the vast majority of our families immigrated from. Our worst impulses are the fault of those who handed them down so back atcha! I mean, yes we COULD “rise above” but we’re not about to let you damned communist, socialist, monarchist bastards boss us around. We’ve got this. All we need is for our teachers, politicians & psychiatrists to ALL be required to conceal and carry and everything will work itself out.