Bone Structure

During a chat earlier this week with my friend Akash he asked “what is your biggest fear?”

My response was not having enough money to pay my bills, which is true during dry spells of the year. He reassured me “name me someone self employed and starving,” noting the tenacity most people who run their own businesses tend to exhibit. This realization made me feel better, since we freelancers are in control of both our work and finances. It’s pretty easy to forecast when things are going to get rough and avert course before things actually ever turn serious.

As a new part of my morning routine I've been meditating for the last 6 days.

This morning my meditation practice moved away from scanning the tension in the body, and asked to scan the tension of the mind. To my surprise I found a hard space in my mind. I'm a visual/spatial thinker so when I encountered this hard space it looked and felt like bone, shivering and organic.

Apparently this is what my emotional landscape looks like.

I realized I have been unintentionally calcifying an emotion, guarding myself from some kind of fear. Trying to crack it open to find out what was inside wasn't working, so I listened to the vibrations. It sounded like the kind of shivering that comes from desperation and fear of harm. I immediately realized there was something I was more afraid of more than losing money.

It’s this.

Sharing myself mixed with some form of imposter syndrome. My greatest fear is sharing my process, my life, then being discredited by others.

Not that people will get angry at me or flame my posts, but that they will look at it and walk away with the impression I'm some lesser form of artist, not worth their time. That I will be left here, alone with my tablet, with no one willing to help support my future ambitions.

Following the meditation I opened my eyes, suddenly I was back in my studio, sitting cross legged on the chaise, staring at the door.

Courage does not exist without fear. In fact, I’ve found most of the time what we fear most is what we need most.

So I'm going to master this fear, crack the callus, one post at a time.