Things I Haven’t Learned Yet

A Comprehensive List

I have read three “Things I’ve learned” pieces in two days. My 30th birthday isn’t for another two months, but I haven’t written anything for Medium for a while, so I wanted to join the party. However, I don’t think I could stand reading another one of those lists right now, even if it is my own, so let’s change it up a bit. Below are a few things I haven’t learned quite yet.

1. Despite taking German for four years, despite visiting Germany, and despite having an Authentic German brewery/restaurant across the street, I still have not learned to order Wienerschnitzel with a straight face.
2. I have been a “grown up”, getting up and going to work, for five years now, but I still hate mornings more than anything. Every part of me wants to play video games until two in the morning and sleep til noon. I am unsure if I’ll ever learn how to find sleep before the late night talk shows come on.
3. How to be confident and effective at confrontations.
4. How to eat mushrooms, olives, or cauliflower without a violent reaction.
5. How to not buy whatever a cute girl is trying to sell me.
6. Tragically, I still don’t truly know what it’s like to get paid to do something I love. I enjoy my field, and I love to code at home, but my pay-the-bills jobs have left a lot to be desired.
7. I have not figured out why people think Tyler Perry movies are watchable.
8. I haven’t learned how to laugh quietly yet.
9. I still don’t eat healthy. Not really. I have successfully incorporated a few fruits and vegetables into my diet, but I’m quite sure it’s not nearly enough. I love food, but apparently all the wrong ones. Meat, cheese, and buttery fucking popcorn.
10. I haven’t learned to hydrate. I don’t get thirsty often, and making myself drink water hasn’t been going well. I especially haven’t learned how to drink water at room temperature.
11. How to not be nervous during interviews.
12. How to drink coffee that isn’t half sugar and half milk.
13. The appeal of breakfast for dinner. Breakfast for breakfast and dinner for dinner. Unless it’s pizza.
14. I haven’t figured how people (women) can “sit and have a cup of tea”, like that itself is an activity. I love tea mind you, but I must always be doing something whilst sipping a hot beverage.
15. How or when to use “whilst”.
16. I work best under pressure. The converse, of course, is I don’t work well if there isn’t a clear and quickly-approaching deadline. Basically, I haven’t learned to stop procrastinating.