Depression and Living

Conventional wisdom would say I would be crazy to post this, so of course I did.

Why is it still so heavy when I think about the afternoon I heard the news, Robin Williams had died? Was it because he was famous and his personality was ingrained into my life?

Was it because I had met and worked with him over 20 years ago when I built cabinets for his house in Sonoma Valley and then again in San Francisco?

Maybe, but deep down in my gut I know the real reason.

It’s because I too battle with depression.

What makes this so sad, so real and so uncomfortable is I know what it’s like when there’s no hope. I know how it feels to lie in bed with a heavy weight resting on your soul.

People you love will say you’re smart, handsome and talented. Unfortunately, it will all seem dull and hollow. Feeling like the sun can’t possibly rise on a better tomorrow. Not being able to see, hear or feel the truth.

Yes, I know what it’s like. It scares me.

Disclaimer. Today, this week and for the last several months I feel good, I have hope. But when hope is low and in short or no supply, it can be a scary place.

I can’t speak for every person that struggles with depression, I can only tell my personal story.

I need hope.

I need always to believe tomorrow will be better. To believe that my dreams are still real, and they can come true.

Words like, “appreciate the present”, “be grateful for what you have” or “you are a great person with so much to give”. These are all wonderful things people that love me will say. I know they’re right, and I appreciate the love.

But here’s the deal. When depression hits, it hits hard, like a black blanket of doom placed over your body and all rational thought is smothered by fear and doubt.

These are the times when it gets scary. You begin to think life will always be this way and won’t get better or brighter.

You start to think the only way to make it better is to stop breathing.

I can say today, I know that’s not the truth. But I can completely understand how bad thoughts can lead to even worse decisions.

This I know

  1. Robin Williams was an amazing person; he is still missed.
  2. Depression is real, and it scares me.
  3. Today and, unfortunately, every single day after someone will give in to hopelessness. They will not be as famous as Robin and to almost everyone except their family and close friends they will go unnoticed, but they are just as important.
  4. I don’t know if I have said anything that mattered here, but I just needed to think and type. Depression is real, it’s scary and it’s ok to admit and talk about.

I’m grateful for my family every day. Megan, Kyle and Eric, I love you.

Don’t believe the lies. You are special.

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