There Is No Such Thing as “Summer Reading,” for Crying Out Loud

What are you, six?

What’s your problem?

Are you in middle school? If you are, well…Huck Finn. It’s pretty good. Also, sleep-away camp — avoid if possible.

For the rest of you, with the best-of summer reading lists, the pastel covers and floppy hats, tell me something: Why now? If you wouldn’t read it in the winter, why would you bother in the summer? Do you think it got better? Let me tell you: No. It did not.

Do you like it because it’s “trashy?” Is “summer,” when placed before “reading,” a synonym for “worse?” “Easier?” “Bigger fonts/more pictures?” Sounds like it. If so, thanks for the recommendations.

No one seems to get this excited about winter reading, so let me sell it: a chair, a cozy hypoallergenic sweater, frost pooling in the corners of your window panes, dog at slippered feet, farting and twitching his/her paws? You want a pipe and a fireplace, too? Fine. You got it. Now: c’mon.

I’m not saying Dante. I’m not your librarian.

But “summer reading?”

Don’t get me wrong. The fact that you’re reading at all is fantastic. It has so many benefits. It makes you sexually desirable to every species on earth, which is a blessing and a curse, but let’s be honest: blessing. That’s why you’re harassed by seagulls (it’s sexual).

Look, I read in summer, too. All kinds of things. Not just Twitter. I guess I’m alone in the winters, though. Darkly, inexorably alone. Called it.

And why? Because of you. You decided to wait with your perky little brick until you were reclined on a chaise, glistening with long-expired sunblock.

Do you know why you like to read on the beach? Because you hate the beach. Admit it. You want to be elsewhere, and I don’t blame you. The beach is not for readers. It’s for Others. Folks with — well, I don’t know with what.

I guess I’m saying — winter reading is good. And it’s clearly better reading, and I think you could put some winter in your summer reading.

Can we leave the beach now?

Please hit recommend and share with friends, and watch for sharks.

Mike Errico: Official site | Bandcamp | Facebook