What he really wanted for Father’s Day

There’s still time give him exactly the right gift.

First, here’s why he’s “soooo hard to shop for.”

  1. He doesn’t need much. Dads are unadorned creatures. For gift-giving, this is a shitty feature of dads.
  2. If he needs something, he goes and buys it. He knows where to buy it, he’s called ahead, and it’s sitting by the register, atop a Greek column, bathed in a single shaft of light, awaiting his arrival. He’s seen nothing else in the store. He needed a thing. He got the thing.
  3. You’re doomed if you are trying to show support by getting up into his “interests” — no matter what he’s clanking around with in his man cave, he’s so far up his own ass parsing the difference between the copper-coated whatever-it-is and the nickel-plated one that’s made in New Zealand that you’re bound to create a return situation. And that adds work. Dads hate that.
  4. You know how most dads pick cologne? They use the one they gave their own fathers for Father’s Day. Not the same brand. The same bottle.
  5. Ties? OK. Thanks. Nice tie. Goes with…honey? What does this go with?

Here’s what he wants:

Quality time with himself

Let the poor bastard sleep. Let him doze on the couch and make all his hideous sleep noises unmolested, undisgusted — with a kind of acceptance that, yes, is hard to muster. It’s not only the lazy who sleep. It’s also the tired. It’s not easy to distinguish the two, were they to be laid side-by-side on either leg of an “L”-shaped sectional. Maybe, today, give him the benefit of the doubt. That’s all.

Quality time with you

A real, live, TV-off state of the union with his kid(s) about how it’s really going. The words aren’t what’s important. He wants to listen to your voice, and imprint it in his memory. He wants to search your eyes and see how he’s doing, to see if he’s a good man, if he’s living up to the responsibility given to him, and how he possibly deserved it. He thinks you’re perfect, and yet you kind of look a little like him, and that’s very difficult for him to reconcile. He wants to mull it over and take an honest stab at philosophy. He wants to know the meaning of life, and it’s you. You might be talking about shoes, or a hangnail, and he may well with tears and hold you with big dad arms he wishes were bigger and safer.

Give him that.

Please hit recommend and share with friends, and Happy Father’s Day

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