A Boss Says NO

Shortcuts to Mental Freedom

I walked into my boss’ office after a weekly team meeting where, yet again, nothing impactful was accomplished. This is the weekly circle jerk seen too often in Corporate America.

Fortunately, I had a plan.

I proposed a remote working arrangement to my boss, as I had been kicking serious ass on a new project I had taken on. I made a compelling case that he couldn’t refute, backed up by an actual business case.

Nerd alert.

Our office was full of distractions that made getting “real” work done next to impossible. Both he and I knew that the office environment was killing my ability to focus and produce the results I was capable of. The results I was actually hired to produce.

If I had the creative latitude to define my own workspace and hours, I argued, I could create some serious value and impact for their bottom line. My proposal made airtight, logical sense, and he knew it.

DENIED.

Although boss man admitted our office was truly the worst place to accomplish any tangible work, he said it would have a negative ripple effect on the team, and other people would be jealous. There would be friction, push back and hurt feelings. Foiled by office politics again. I felt defeated, and slinked back to my desk to zone out to a podcast.

I’ve wanted to be the boss for a long time. I’ve also wanted to be liked by everyone. As you can imagine, this conflict didn’t work out so well for me.

Ever dreamed of being the boss?

Whether you want to launch your own company, or rise through the ranks in someone else’s organization, there’s a secret handshake you were never taught.

Once put into regular practice, your life will get more free time, more peace of mind and, arguably, make more cash. Yet, almost nobody I know is good at saying this one word, let alone backing it up with eye contact and conviction.

No.

Just saying a big fat “no” out loud can infuse you with a sense of power and purpose, as you defend your limited time from would-be vampires.

Why are you saying yes?

How many times have you said yes to something, when inside your soul was screaming for you to say “HELL NO”?

We live in a culture where we’ve been taught that it is both polite and smart to say yes to external demands. Put the priorities of others ahead of our own, is the mantra. Selflessness, it is called.

What if we say no and miss out on that high-level assignment from the boss? What if our girlfriend or boyfriend breaks up with us because we finally stand up to them, asking for what we truly need?

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) is self-imposed anxiety and stress for our generation, and it’s completely unnecessary. There is no free lunch here, however.

Saying yes can be downright expensive in terms of opportunity cost of things you’d rather be working on. I’m talking about projects that are a “hell yes” for you and your mission. Your mileage may vary, but the tenet is the same. Whether you are:

• Launching a podcast
• Writing your first book, no matter how bad it might be
• Learning to code and pitching your first client
• Saving money for an international trip
• Getting in the best shape of your life
• Partnering on a new venture that both excites and scares the crap out of you

The actual project doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that the project gives you a feeling of coming alive. It should push you past the threshold of your comfort zone where you are exposed to criticism and forced to grow. You’re in the arena or on the battlefield. That place where you know that nothing will ever be the same.

Misery Loves Company

There is nothing more pitiful than watching someone who doesn’t want to rock the boat, at work or in a social setting. Mr. play-it-safe is going nowhere, and he’d be thrilled for you to join him. He can’t wait to give you an ear beating justifying all of his reasons for holding back, playing small and not asking for what he really wants.

Do you feel the urge to agree to every plan, project, invitation or event that comes your way, thinking it could be your one-way ticket to adoration from everyone? The hard truth is that you are deep in the weeds of self-delusion.

Everyone wants to be liked

Let’s improve on this, shall we?

Why not aim to be liked only by the right people and for the right reasons? Everyone has an angle. We’re all trying to push our own agendas, no matter how altruistic, all the time.

The real pivot happens when you consciously decide to be respected first, and liked second, if at all. Here’s the tricky part. Intrinsic self-respect must come first, and can be the hardest to earn.

Where you should start

Research states that the average adult can face upwards of 30,000 decisions in a single day. Of course, not all decisions were created equal. So, which ones can have the most impact, once you take your energy back from their grip?

• No to the date with the person you are lukewarm about.
• No to the happy hour invitation with co-workers you barely tolerate 40 hours a week.
• No to the Christmas party you don’t want to go to.
• No to the client who is pushing for work outside your scope, as they dangle the promise of future work like a carrot.
• No to the job you don’t want.
• No to what your parents think is best for you.
• No to donating to the cause you don’t believe in.
• No to the destination wedding that you’d have to shell out thousands of dollars to attend.
• Bad living situation? Get on craigslist and make some calls. This can be done in an afternoon. No excuses. A crap home situation can completely derail your progress on other big goals.
• Too many social events on your calendar? Start canceling. If pushed for a reason, tell them you have a new business opportunity that is demanding your time. People tend to leave you alone when it’s for work reasons.
• In the wrong job? Time to face the music and admit to yourself that a change is needed. If you’re not happy and engaged in your work, it shows. This is nearly impossible to hide, and you’re probably not fooling anyone.
• In a bad business partnership? Uncomfortable conversations hold the seeds of big change. The more direct you can be about what you won’t tolerate, the more respect you’ll gain. Perhaps it’s time to fire this partner, or consider buying them out.

On my journey, that the more I’ve flexed my “no” muscle, the more at peace and happier I am. My productivity on interesting projects skyrockets, and my relationships with people that truly matter reach new depths of connection.

Surround yourself with people on the same mission as you.

As you get better at guarding your time and commitments like a maternal grizzly bear protects its cubs, you will start to see these potential energy drains coming from a mile away.

It’s satisfying to cut these vampires off at the pass, so you can stay the course on what’s most important for you, and what you are building. Let in the ones that understand your mission and respect your time. If you can form a mastermind group with these kindred spirits, I recommend it.

Form a wolf pack of people going their own way and playing by their own rules.

You can push each other to new heights, and lift one another up when shit hits the fan.

Get in where you fit in.

We all want to fit in.

We all like being part of a tribe or community that is bigger than ourselves. It’s part of the human condition and it’s etched into our DNA, thanks to thousands of years of evolution.

Guess what? You can choose where you want to fit in. It doesn’t have to be by default.

Instead of trying to fit in everywhere and with everyone, stop and ask yourself. Who is playing the game of life at the level I’d like to be at, and how can I connect with them in a meaningful way?

The more comfortable you become in your own skin, and are okay with having haters (a good sign you’re making an impact), the more freedom and energy you’ll have.

I’m after more freedom and influence in my life. What drives you?

Most people are running unconscious mental scripts that cause unnecessary pain and misery in their lives. These scripts include trying to live up to parent’s expectations, mass media’s force-fed image of material success and competing with peer groups that diverge from your core values.

Haters Can Move Mountains

I love haters. Even when I don’t, they’re good for me.

Without these rock slingers, ready to rain negativity all over a new project or idea I have decided to bring to the world, I’d lack the initial fire and burning desire to succeed that propels me into the arena of action.

Ego trip, you say? Probably.

More times than I’d like to admit, my drive to succeed and persevere was undeniably born out of an unhealthy desire to shove eventual success in the smug faces of non-believers.

Fortunately, as I’ve reached new vantage points in life and business, there’s been a noticeable shift in what drives me. I want to share what is possible with like minds.

What is possible when you commit to cutting out the B.S. and doing the work.

The setbacks and dips that I’ve gone through have served as a crucible, fortifying my own resolve and vision for what is possible. I will constantly offer myself as a case study to those that choose to read.

I have nothing to gain by holding back and playing small.

My journey started from a selfish, insecure and prove-everyone-wrong place. Yet, somehow it has become more satisfying and fulfilling than I ever imagined possible.

Simply put, I realized it wasn’t all about me and my own battles. I decided to shift the focus off of myself and onto serving others. What are you currently just tolerating in life, because of an old yes that should have been a no?

Here are a few I can share from my journey:

I stopped accepting extra work on the weekends.

I had plans, vacation, a life — and I made it a point to keep those commitments. The boss backed down, and I got on with it — probably with more respect. Not that I needed it from him. I had it in spades from myself.

I told an old girlfriend I wasn’t interested in attending her company event.

I knew it would be full of gossipy, half-tanked co-workers that would be airing dirty laundry and probably sizing me up.

No thanks.

I said I’d support her in other ways, and spend quality time with her, but wasn’t budging on this.

She constantly complained about these semi-required work functions as well, but had not developed her “no muscle” yet. She admitted she was envious of my ability to say no, and mean it.

You’re constantly at choice in deciding which people you allow into your inner circle, even when you temporarily forget and say yes to the bad ones.

Take a deep breath, and practice saying a firm no, each and every day.

I promise you this. It will feel damn good and get easier after you push through the initial rustiness. Once you reclaim your time, freedom and authenticity from one of these vampires, leave me a comment and let me know how it went.

Stories from the trenches are always welcome.