It’s Not Always The Most Wonderful Time of The Year

What To Do When the Happy Holidays Are Not So Happy

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Have a holly jolly Christmas, it’s the best time of the year. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me… I can hear the words to these songs as I write. I can also envision the multitude of commercials. The family coming over on a cold, snowy day with arms full of gifts, running into the open arms of their loved ones or the promise of a new car wrapped in a large red bow waiting in the driveway. You hear the songs, you see these commercials and you start to think to yourself, there must be something wrong with me. I’m not as happy as I should be. Your belief that you should be happy has a head on collision with your current psychological state. A psychological phenomenon, known as cognitive dissonance, has set in.

Cognitive dissonance is defined as mental discomfort caused when an individual holds two contradictory beliefs. Everyone else is happy therefore I should be happy, but I’m not! It was first described in 1957 by psychologist Leon Festinger. Festinger asserted that humans strive for internal psychological equilibrium. When what is experienced psychologically differs from a perceived external reality, mental anguish ensues and behaviors to bridge this divide are undertaken. One such behavior, an increase in alcohol misuse, seems to occur during the holidays. In a 2002 study out of Finland that examined deaths from alcohol overdose, the authors concluded that a spike in alcohol related deaths occurred during the holiday season. Another study out of Denmark confirmed the same.

Another result of this incongruent internal feeling versus this promised blissful reality is deepening depression. Though there have been no studies that show a spike of depression during the holidays, there are two that should serve as a warning, especially if you have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. One study, done in 1980 on four hundred twenty Chicago area college students, investigated their feelings about the Christmas holiday. Helplessness, loneliness and anxiety were among the most common themes. The study author concluded that the students perceptions that everyone else was having a better time than they were was to blame. Another study done in Canada on patients engaged in psychiatric emergency services showed that loneliness and being without family were reasons why these patients became more depressed around this time of year. Again, while studies have not shown an increase in depression around the holidays, if you suffer with major depressive disorder, awareness of the tendency to fall into the “why am I not happy” trap is key.

A third reason for this internal tug of war and the resulting dysphoria during the holidays has to do with hyperconsumption. A frequently played commercial comes to mind; the “Lexus December to Remember” sales event. In this one, an ecstatic child dances next to the white car wrapped in a red bow, while the voice of the narrator tells you to “let out your inner child.” The problem with this thinking is twofold. First, a majority of us cannot afford to do this, which adds to the collective inadequacy that some people feel. The second issue is the neurochemistry of gift-receiving. Studies have shown that our brains reward circuit, mediated by the reward chemical dopamine, responds more to anticipation of a reward and less to the reward itself. If you picture this dopamine release as an ocean wave, when your spouse tells you to close your eyes, a large wave of dopamine is released. When you open your eyes where a large, expensive present awaits your eyes, another, much smaller wave of dopamine occurs. Shortly after, a few more smaller waves occur the first time your friends and family see your new gift. Before long, your baseline happiness returns. The notion that happiness exists in the next great gift becomes reinforced. This is erroneous thinking, a type of which we are all guilty of.

So what can be done about this? One way is to think of what the holiday season metaphorically represents. These are the shortest days of the year in the northern hemisphere, but the longest in the southern hemisphere. This is a good time to reflect on balance and moderation. Maybe it’s a time to realize the impermanent nature of things both dark and light; consider the seasons. Perhaps it’s a time to meditate on the oscillation of our internal climate, the winters and summers of our mind. If your current mental climate is cold, dark and stormy, consider that though it may not feel like it at the current time, the days are long and the skies are bright on the other side of the world. Sun drenched skies are out there if you look. And lastly, be thankful for all that is already yours. Bestselling author Tim Ferriss recommends jotting down three things you are thankful for that you already have every morning.

Many ancient cultures celebrated this time of year as the period of rebirth of the Sun. Yule, thought to be derived from an Anglo-Saxon word meaning feast of winter solstice, was celebrated by the Norse. Saturnalia was celebrated in Rome to honor Saturn, the god of agriculture. Christmas, derived from “mass on Christ’s day” is of relatively recent origin. Whatever your beliefs, realize that to be happy around the holidays requires nothing external. This is not to say that gift giving and receiving can’t be or shouldn’t be part of the happy holidays. It just doesn’t need to be the centerpiece. To bridge the gap of cognitive dissonance, realize that happiness or sadness can reside in your mind independent of the time of year, or the amount of presents under the tree. Avoid the temptation to force one emotion or the other.