The Sound Of One Month Weeing

Scientists have discovered a way for people to do a lifetime’s worth of urinating in one session, foregoing the need to urinate for the rest of the individual’s life. One enormous session of urination, lasting up to 32 days, followed by a stress-free lifetime devoid of toilet visits.

in a five-year study, urologists at Bristol University have done successful pilot schemes on primates and are now beginning human trials, seeking volunteers eager to put their days of toilet visits behind them. You may notice that neither of those underlined pieces of text were functioning links. Thats because it’s made up, for pretend, it’s just a thing I thought of for make-believesies. And Bristol is quite a good university I think. It all seems plausible.

If such a system existed, though, where you could spend a month doing a mammoth piss and then never have to piss again, I wouldn’t do it. Here’s why.

  1. Often the desire for a wee is the thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. I can go for days without eating. Without weeing I’d easily stay in bed for weeks at a time.
  2. Toilet visits function perfectly as screen breaks during a working day. If our bladders lay dormant, our eyes would suffer.
  3. Sometimes doing a really big piss is the best bit of a shit day.
  4. On a night out, going for a wee often functions as a natural break to one stream of conversation. Sometimes it’s annoying, sometimes the short break allows you to realise you’re actually talking complete nonsense, or being unreasonable. You can’t argue, nip off for a wee and return to the same intense row.
  5. Imagine that month. Jesus Christ. Piss flowing out of you like a knackered tap. The toilet would start flushing itself after a while. You’d be shuddering like mad, twisting your neck around to try and avoid our face becoming enveloped in a cloud of fetid steam. You’d be so tired. You wouldn’t see anyone. Nobody would even want to talk to you on Skype because you’d keep going “Ahhhh” and it wold sicken them. And when you saw your friends again afterwards they’d all have new in-jokes and stuff. Even if you moved a telly into the toilet (or a toilet into the living room) you’d have to turn it up really loudly to hear it over the big loud month-long piss you were doing. You couldn’t listen to music in case you ended up dancing slightly, or doing air drums or whatever, because that would send hot yellow arcs of wee everywhere. Even playing games on your phone would be rubbish as you’d only have one hand free. You could play Words With Friends, but you’d be slow. And if that was all you had to entertain you, you’d get so, so sick of that shit-awful Game Of War advert with Kate Upton in it.
  6. The brunt of your annual leave, gone, just for a big piss.
  7. Urinals are sort of cool. Marcel Duchamp’s The Fountain wouldn’t have shocked the art world if they didn’t get that it was a toilet and thought it was just a sort of rubbish sink.
  8. There’s a good bit in Gulliver’s Travels where he does a wee in Lilliput. It’s funny. It would be a shame if it didn’t make sense to you because you barely remembered what a wee was.
  9. Every time you went into a bathroom for the rest of your life, people would go “Ha ha ha, you’re going for a shit, ha ha ha, smelly.”
  10. Weeing probably helps keep your urethra clean or something, right? Like, clean of the other thing that comes out of it. That sort of makes sense. So you’d stink of semen forever, perhaps.

So, Bristol University, I won’t be part of your piss-based crimes against God. No thanks, Bristol University. I’ll wee yellow wee into toilets for the rest of my life, thank you very much.

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