#MotivationMonday: Actuated.

10/10/16 —

The day at first very much challenging me, and me complaining, every step. To myself, not aloud so the babies could hear, of course. But now I’m finally home, this writing father, tired of having a morning to self on to have to leave to be a bloody adjunct. Thinking about building businesses, this morning. Several. And the ones that survive are the ones that carry this tireless writer to the Road, to speak and do what he wants in travel — But I don’t want you to think I want to speak just to speak, or travel just to be on a plane and stay in a hotel and go to dinners and… No. None of that. I want to be a teacher, just in a more exciting context and creative containment.

Right now, bowl of dry Special K to my right, ‘longside the 4-shot mocha. Quiet house so Daddy can collect. Want today to be different, and yes I always say that and I always say that I always say that. So, just Newness… Made payment on this laptop. But businesses… Have to think BUSINESSES. One for photography… Don’t want to cite too many specifics, but I have one for that. Fitness, have a potential… Writing.. yes.

My desktop, clear for the first time in weeks, if not months. Will do a deep clean of the piles on the floor, left, and remove anything I haven’t touched in the last two weeks. This business creative need be more consistent with practices (and I’ve written that before as well.). It’s like one of those empirically grand questions, “How does one become a successful business person?” Depends, I guess. I’m learning, and by the end of this 30-day I’ll have an answer, and clearer direction.

So tempted to call in both classes today, but I won’t and can’t, and don’t want to as it’s an exercise to Self to see adjunct-ing as a business opportunity. I’m going to flip it on Them, the administrators, trustee dopes, department chairs, full-timers, everyone who keeps the adjunct scam going. Have a couple ideas, on this however-many-th day of the 30-day story it is. My head’s not so much spinning as it is eager. No run this morning, obviously, too tired from yesterday’s 13.1 to run and my right knee still a bit hurts. Then it hits me, a business for running, runners.. made note in my Cape journal, which becomes more and more full by the day. So many ideas but they just need centrality, une maison (one home). And it’s possible, just takes practice, and intense intensification of my inner intensities to bring it to fruition. Shit, what day am I on? Need to know, or it’ll drive me batty and stick with me throughout the day and contaminate my focus and instruction. Day 8, I’m pretty sure. Let’s just call it ‘Day 8’.

Timer going. Set for hour but now at 36:54.. 51.. 45… To change my life. Why not start with a thousand words, some Hank Mobley, jottings in journal, a quiet house, a 4-shot mocha, some Special K, and a hard-working daddy who delights in knowing he ran 13.1 miles yesterday. Why don’t I feel more elevated? It’s in my head, MY attitude, this goddamn mood. And I can change it. I will. I have to for my family, if I’m to get these business ideas off the ground… How ‘bout a run meet-up? I could do that, right? For Wednesday? Idea, write it down!

Changed station on Pandora from Hutcherson to Bonobo. Need more intensity, as I said. Something to sell… WHY NOT THE WRITING? I always talk myself out of it for some reason and I fucking hate that I do. So don’t. Don’t do that anymore. Could use another coffee after this one’s done, I can just tell. Other goals for today — Go to wine websites, look for writing topics. Same with running websites. Play with photography, even the pictures you’re inclined to just delete, see if you can use them. This Monday’s motivation is everywhere. Yes, the day was challenging me earlier, challenging me to remove myself from that low self-estimation sludge. Stopped.

Mocha… caffeine… talking to me, motivating my fingers across this plain of a keyboard, not letting me stop even for a sliver of breath. 8th day, more musical and promising that the others, and at the end of it I have my babies to remind me to keep going. Have papers to grade on campus, so be in shower by 11, latest. I’m more than simply “motivated”. I’m propelled, I’m shot out of an impetus cannon, to the page and my story and my sequencing of sensibility. Selling me work… Here’s one piece in the small collection, something to “sell” as you be —

a morning will slow

you if you let it, but you

run, for you, you! passed.

Lately I’ve very much been for the haiku’s ado. The containment, the tangible inarguable result of it. ‘There it is!’ I think to myself when it’s done. I can’t just let it rot in some notebook, the Carpe Diem journal or one of my Comp Books, I don’t know. I have to let them all live, have prominence and permanency on page. The short little morsel of a haiku is like a cure-all for so many entanglements and stalls, I’ve of late found.

17-something left on counter. To change my life, right? Will it? Either way, I’m actuated. More than just the expected, “motivated”. Starting to not so much accept that word. So over-used. Does it even have meaning anymore. So many on social media say “Motivation Monday”, and I probably will too once or twice today. But, if we’re all using it, how motivating can it be? No, I’m ACTUATED this morning. And I have the morning to thank for challenging me, making me be an effective and efficient daddy this morning, getting the babies ready, feeding Emma her apple sauce while Jackie enjoyed a waffle and his toys. Now, time for business ideas… Running and Fitness, Health… Photography… Wine… Parents and parenting… Everything I am is a business. Businesses. Now I get it. Finally.

Thank you, Day 8.