I am a bit older than you, disabled combat vet, business owner, and many other things besides being gay. I accept, but really do not understand at an internal level, that some other gay males need/desire to live as an exaggeration of femininity.
The military came looking for me to recruit me. When I moved cross country the recruiter followed. When I took a summer in Europe officers from nearby bases seemed to know where I was and came to press the issue for me to join up. Finally they offered me a significant amount of money as a bonus to sign up. I took it. They knew I was gay and despite that and the UCMJ, prior to DADT, they desperately wanted me and the skills I brought with me. They paid me ever increasing amounts of money to re-up after DADT.
I have never hidden it, but I also do not think of my sexual orientation as something to brag about. It usually takes about three years of working close with me before it comes up as a conversation. I feel if my boyfriends picture on my desk does not clue you in it must not matter. In my squadrons and on the ships it was an open fact and never raised a conversation. I freely acknowledge It does not hurt that I do not present as a stereotype.
I write this because I do not internally understand the angst that some out gays generate about telling others. That is not to dismiss it, just I do not understand it. My view is that I am over 21, I pay my bills, and I am not engaged in any criminal behavior. So if someone finds out I am gay and objects, that really is not my problem. It does not matter if they find out because I tell them, they figure it out, or if gossip is their source.
I have never lost a friend because of it, though a few acquaintances have stayed away and I do not care about them. I have had many ask questions, clumsy questions, but nothing intentionally hateful. Those who have lived their lives not knowing they knew a gay person, may rightly be clumsy finding out something that alters their world view. That does not make them a homophobe or bad person, just clumsy and unlearned on the subject.
I think part of my point in writing this is to support your statements and experience in not being the stereotype. I find that many young gay men gravitate to that type persona at first because that is their first exposure to a living gay lifestyle.
I know too many men that started gay-life as a wannabe raging queen and after a while figured out that was not who they are. They had to navigate back to being just an average guy, one who happens to like guys. In a way that may be a good experience in a way it may not be, i just do not know. I cannot speak for other people about their own experience.
For me, all I care about others is that they work to support themselves, pay their bills, act like adults, and do not demand others bend to their will. Gay, Straight, or Trans, be yourself but don’t impose your demands on others.
I expect people to use the legal system to fight unjust laws, but they must realize that they cannot demand others who may disagree, kowtow to their demands. There are individuals in the LGBT communities who demand that everyone else twist themselves up to follow their personal demands and it is absurd.
They can be who they are, and should be, just lose the expectations and demands that others change their pronoun usage, their life long beliefs, their own desires, just because a random individual or group demands they do so.
You be you and let others be who they are. Respect their rights and you are halfway to having your rights respected by them.