The Government Is On Fire, But Hey, It’s A New Marvel Movie!
Before we dive into yet another week ensconced in this Satan’s dickhole of a timeline, I just want to say thanks to everyone who keeps showing up for whatever it is I’m doing here. And a special tip of the hat to Dustin Rowles at Pajiba for graciously hurling eyeballs at me. If you ever need a kidney, one of mine has your name on it. (Disclaimer: Alcohol is good for them, right?)
But, seriously, I’m trying not to get my hopes up because I’ve ventured down Optimism Road a few times in these post-Superficial days and received a blunt spoon to the dong for my troubles. And yet, there’s a light peeking through that says, “Crowdfund. Crowdfund, you idiot!” So that convo is coming soon.
In the meantime, once again, please let me know what you’re digging/not digging about this little venture through whatever platform you prefer: Facebook, Twitter, email, a bird with a fucking note tied to its beak. Go nuts.
On a final note: RIP Burt Reynolds. I’m not going to write about your death because the most respectful way I can honor your iconic career is to not include it in a Medium post full of dick jokes. Which I technically just did right now. Sonofabitch.
Wait, the Lead Character in a Marvel Movie Menstruates? IT’S THE APOCALYPSE
Despite my joke in the headline, there‘s never going to be a “good” time for Disney/Marvel to launch the marketing campaign for whatever money they’re printing this time, so why not do it during a contentious Supreme Court nomination? And they did.
In a massive Entertainment Weekly exclusive (that dropped on the second day of Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation hearing) Marvel finally revealed Brie Larson in her full Captain Marvel costume, and everything looks great. The Skrull, Nick Fury, Jude Law. I’m not going to act like I won’t pay to see all of that in a theater even though I instantly regret being in one every time.
Of course, the elephant in the room is that it only took Marvel 10 years and 20 goddamn films before it finally made a movie with a superhero lead who sits down to pee. But I’m such a nerd that I know there’s actually a legitimate reason for that, and it’s because Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige was constantly getting dicked by cheap-ass Marvel Entertainment CEO Ike Perlmutter. It wasn’t until the past few years that Feige was able to break free from Perlmutter, and the movies have been pretty damn great ever since.
However, this being the Devil’s Cock Timeline, Perlmutter has been secretly running the VA at the behest of his good pal Donald Trump. You cannot make this shit up. So good news for the quality of Marvel movies, bad news for anyone who put their life on the line for America. Yay?
Jesus Fackin’ Chirst, Chahleen, Ya Need Ta Stop Goin’ Home Ta West Vahginya
To Kill a Vagina Egg
Last year, Gwyneth Paltrow started selling a $66 jade egg for women to shove up their vaginas just like ancient “queens and concubines” who barely made it past 30, but at least they made an emperor’s dick feel awesome with their rock-powered noonerhole. That’s what it’s all about, right? This news prompted an actual doctor to weigh in, and unsurprisingly, her medical advice was, “DO NOT PUT ROCKS IN YOUR PORKPOUCH UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT.” (I may have paraphrased.)
Jump to this week where Goop was forced to pay $145,000 in a consumer protection lawsuit filed by ten California prosecutors over “unsupported attributes for Goop’s Jade Egg, Rose Quartz Egg, and Inner Judge Flower Essence Blend,” according to BuzzFeed. And while that should make for some delicious schadenfreude, the items are still for goddamn sale. Except now their descriptions have been “watered down.” Yup. As we speak, Iron Man’s girlfriend is legally allowed to charge women $66 to put rocks up their salami boudoirs as long she only promises that it will increase “sexual energy and pleasure.” This is, again, despite the opinion of a licensed gynecologist who has already said, “No, it will not. It’s a fucking rock in your vagina. WHY?!”
The free market, baby. Speaking of…
Just Gonna Leave This Here
Say Goodbye to Shane Black, Everyone
Just when Asia Argento was pulling ahead in the Skeev Bracket, director Shane Black had his spot blown up by Olivia Munn who alerted Twentieth Century Fox to the fact that Black had quietly cast his best friend Steve Wilder Striegel, a registered sex offender, in The Predator without letting anybody know about that whole sex offender part. Which is apparently stupid easy to do because of “legal limitations that impede studios from running background checks on actors,” according to the LA Times. And Black is presumably aware of that loophole because Striegel has parts in both Iron Man 3 and The Nice Guys. Surprise!
After Munn informed Fox in mid-August, the studio quickly worked to delete Striegel’s scene from The Predator despite the film hitting theaters next week. As for Black, he clearly didn’t grasp the gravity of the situation and actually tried to downplay Stiegel’s conviction of “risk of injury to a child and enticing a minor by computer,” which the LA Times covers in full detail, and it’s as bad as it fucking sounds.
Later that day, Black significantly changed his tune. Turns out he finally got around to reading Stiegel’s case, and whoops, holy shit. Please forgive him for secretly casting a sex offender to act in a scene where he hits on Olivia Munn. The same Olivia Munn who was sexually harassed by Brett Ratner. Dude…
Why is This Box of Chocolate Full of Turds, Jennay?
Reminder: Scientology is Homophobic as Hell
Whenever Tom Cruise delivers a summer blockbuster that everybody loves, there’s a collective amnesia about the fact he’s the Space Christ of a cult that allegedly dabbles in forced labor camps and locking women in the engine rooms of slave ships. But wait, there’s more! Scientology has long been rumored to be a “cure” for homosexuality, which is why John Travolta will never come out of the closet even though the door is propped wide open and he keeps inviting dudes in for massages. To admit that is to admit that maybe depression isn’t caused by alien ghosts. (Actual belief.)
But jokes aside, it is some repugnant shit, and former Scientologist Michelle LeClair has come forward to People with her story of how the church handled her being a lesbian, which was fucking awful. According to LeClair, L. Ron Hubbard teaches that homosexuals are “evil, untrustworthy criminals.” So after confessing her attraction to women, she was forced to marry a struggling actor and have his kids. Eventually, LeClair was able to get a divorce after she threatened to stop donating millions to CoS from her successful life insurance company. But soon, after embracing her sexuality, LeClair left the church with the help of her new partner, and the church allegedly got to work stalking her family and torpedoing her business into the ground.
It’s all pretty gross, and something to keep in mind the next time Tom Cruise jumps off of a mountain to show how powerful he’s become with his homophobic space magic. Which is basically what he’s doing in the Mission: Impossible movies, by the way.
Henry Cavill as The Witcher, Though? Here For It
Don’t Be Acting All Innocent Over There, Christianity
Birth. Movies. Death news editor Scott Wampler did yeoman’s work the other day when he live-tweeted a presentation of Kirk Cameron: CONNECT, which is some sort of proprietary software that will protect your kids from the dangers of social media. And you know you can trust Kirk to defend children on the internet because he does push-ups in a barn then sharpens an axe to fight the Devil with. The actual Devil. No, really.
You see, Kirk Cameron is an evangelical Christian who believes that our world is being shaped by an unseen, supernatural war between Heaven and Hell. Or as film critic Alisha Grauso accurately notes, he thinks the plot of Constantine is real. Which is a fucking hilarious observation until you realize that line of belief is not only entirely acceptable in America — It was the all-consuming background for the first 18 years of my life, and holy shit. — but it’s still being actively used to shape public policy. Case in point: The current nominee to the Supreme Court who is all kinds of ready to roll back gay and women’s rights because of the same book that tells Kirk Cameron he might have to fight a fallen angel with an axe in real life.
All of this is also how we got here as a nation. This sad, fucking point right here:
But Don’t Worry, I’m Sure The Future Will Be Better
Or not. Goddammit.