Untitled Weekly Project By A Reformed Butthole Merchant

Mike Redmond
Aug 31, 2018 · 9 min read
(AP)

Because we’re in a relationship now, you’re probably going to notice foreplay taking a backseat so hard that it already rolled out of the trunk, never to be seen or heard from again. Was it ever really real? Who’s to say? But enough about how dreamy I am.

For this installment, I’m toying around with length starting with a way shorter intro and seeing how things flow without using Twitter embeds in lieu of pics, but still giving you a full, delicious meal. (I’m assuming most of you are scrolling on your phones, but please, let me know otherwise.)

Let’s mainline some dumb words about stuff.


Donald Trump Is Batman’s Dad Now? Oh Goddammit

With its shared Funeralverse farting out after the release of Justice League, Warner Bros. has pivoted to making one-shot films based on DC Comic characters that have no connection to each other. (Unless one of them makes a billion dollars then they will duct tape that shit right together.) Case in point, the solo Joker movie starring Joaquin Phoenix, which is apparently set in Hell because that’s the only place where Batman’s dad would be a “cheesy and tanned businessman who is more in the mold of a 1980s Donald Trump,” according to THR. (For a brief, extremely on-the-nose moment, Alec Baldwin was attached to the part, but he clearly looked at Twitter and got the hell out in less than 48 hours.)

What’s funny is this confusingly separate version of Thomas Wayne would’ve explained why Ben Affleck’s Batman is a dumb murdering cockhole who tries to bang Wonder Woman. He’s basically Donald Trump Jr. in a rubber suit.

“And how exactly will you fight this war on crime, Master Bruce?”

“Oh my God, how many times do I have to tell you? I just want to drive around in a tank and shoot poor people while my junk looks super sweet in tights. And who said anything about crime?”


The Whole Louis CK Clusterfuck

Just to bring everyone up to speed, in the opening days of the #MeToo movement, The New York Times published a detailed report on November 9, 2017 in which five women accused Louis CK of “sexual misconduct.” Namely forcing them to watch him masturbate, which had long been an internet rumor that CK had denied and/or coyly danced around for years. A day after the NYT report, he copped to everything, but also left himself some wiggle room by saying he thought it was okay because he always asked first. Clearly, it never occurred to CK that a woman will freeze up and not know how to react when a trusted friend, colleague, and professional role model suddenly asks if he can start jacking it right here, right now.

Unfortunately, that’s the tidy little nutshell this situation has been way too easily packed in: “Louis CK pulled his dick out in front of a couple of chicks. Whoops, probably shouldn’t have done that. Lesson learned.”

But that’s leaving out a significant trail of destruction.

What’s tellingly overlooked is that most if not all of these women had their careers sidelined as CK’s team and/or the comedy world worked to ostracize them for talking about the king and his wayward dick. There was no second chance for the victims after making the career-ending mistake of having a vagina and being near Louis CK when he had an erection. One woman even had the honor of being the butt of a joke on Dave Chappelle’s Netflix special because she was “weak” for not hanging up on CK when he started masturbating during a call.

So for nine months, Louis CK disappeared, and then Louis CK decided that Louis CK had served enough time. Sadly, yet not surprisingly, that decision was greeted by a standing ovation at the Comedy Cellar — although, that story is starting to take some turns— and comedy clubs couldn’t wait to proudly announce to TMZ that they’d gladly welcome CK back because “everyone deserves a second chance.”

Except, by my count, CK has had at least four chances not to jerk off in front of women after the first one, but he still did it anyway. Also, when do his victims get a standing ovation and a welcome back from the comedy world that stabbed them right in the back? That’s really the question people should be asking instead of the chin-stroking horseshittery of, “Okay, I know what Louis CK did is bad because #MeToo or whatever, but like, how long does he have to stay away? I’m just saying!” (The answer to that question is would your job hire you back after you surprised five co-workers with your cock and lied about it for years? There you go.)

Naturally, this train of thought is coming primarily from dudes, and they really need to ask themselves why they’re so concerned with how long a rich celebrity has to experience online criticism — No, not that! — for his presence on a stage. (Also, CK’s kids are in absolutely zero danger of starving, so cut that shit out.) Is it because Louis CK’s stand-up material is so funny that who cares if it crushed the dreams and careers of five women? (It should also be noted that the motherfucker walked onstage unannounced and had the balls to drop a rape joke. Yeah…) Or is there something terrifying about the opposite sex finally standing up for themselves and calling out dudes who thinks their hard dicks gives them carte blanche to do whatever they wants, especially when society has told men for years that the latter should never once happen if you’re famous?

I’m guessing it’s all of that.

On a final note, screenwriter Jason Filiatraut pointed out the biggest piece of bullshit: If Louis CK had been caught stealing jokes, he’d be burned alive at the stake, and we wouldn’t even be having this discussion. Sexually assaulting women, though? Let’s not get carried away…


And Just So We’re All Clear Where The Party Lines Are

Cool. Cool cool cool.


Your Moment In Hammbone

Top Gun: Maverick has reportedly been delayed a year. The extra time will allow the Air Force to engineer missiles that are large enough to fit on Jon Hamm’s penis, which is totally playing the jet. I guarantee it. In 2020, audiences will arrive in theaters and say to themselves, “Man, I really hope Tom Cruise plays volleyball again- wait. Holy shit. Is that Don Draper’s dick? Don Draper’s dick is the plane! This is incredible!”

(Did I really need to do this gag right after the Louis CK business? … Maybe?)


It’s The Guns, You Floridian Fuck Fart

Because we’re stuck in the most garbage of timelines until somebody — I’m not naming names. — goes back in time and un-has sex with their mom, roughly 8,000 stories break every five seconds, so it’s not surprising that America let another mass shooting whizz by like it never even happened. Which is sadly the case for the Jacksonville shooting where a white male didn’t get what he wanted, so he opened fire on a video game tournament with a way-too-easily obtained gun.

Naturally, this situation provided the gun nut crowd with the extremely low-hanging fruit of blaming video games instead, of you know, fucking guns. The only catch is that the shooting occurred at a Madden tournament, a game that is completely devoid of guns or even the slightest whiff of political controversy so that it can sell as many copies as possible to football fans from both sides of the aisle. Its squeaky clean milquetoast-ness is a feature not a bug.

Yet somehow Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi barreled right past the quick and easy scapegoat waiting on a silver platter and dove straight into crazy town. While appearing on Fox News to discuss the Jacksonville shooting, Bondi began ranting about video game location services (??) that let predators know exactly where your child is playing Minecraft so they can… shoot them? I have nary a fucking clue and even Steve Doocy seemed lost. (In case it needs to be said, no, Minecraft doesn’t tell child molesters where your stupid kids are, which is most likely in your living room. Playing Minecraft.)

Meanwhile, in Reality Land, the kids who were shot at the Madden tournament were in their early 20s and out in public, so what the hell are you even talking about, lady? Oh right, anything but the actual problem, which is guns and how there are way too many fucking guns that are being used by people obsessed with guns who never should’ve been allowed to buy guns.

GUUUUUNNNNNNSSS.


NBC Pulled Some Shit With Ronan Farrow’s Harvey Weinstein Reporting

Because it’s apparently assholes who prey on women and the shitheads who enable them week, two reports that are worth your time dropped in both Variety and The Daily Beast that make NBC look shady as fuck for how it punted Ronan Farrow’s Pultizer Prize-winning reporting on Harvey Weinstein. At best, NBC folded way too easily when Weinstein’s lawyers came barking. At worst, the president of NBC News — who moonlights as a screenwriter — was allegedly coordinating with Weinstein during Farrow’s investigation. Either way, it stinks of some horseshit, and it’s definitely some information to have your in back pocket for the next time some smarmy fuck wants to say, “Well, why didn’t these women come forward sooner?”

Because everything is stacked against them, dickneck. Case in point…


Jen Kirkman Deserves An Apology

Back in 2015, comedian Jen Kirkman published a podcast where she made what was, at the time, the most significant accusation against Louis CK, but without mentioning his name. However, the description she gave wasn’t hard to figure out, and after my sister site Death and Taxes (RIP) put the pieces together, it was all over the fucking internet. Kirkman quickly deleted the podcast and became adversarial with online media outlets, particularly Jezebel, and emphatically denied that she was talking about CK.

What nobody knew is that Kirkman’s life was being completely upended after being fed into the online click machine by assholes like me — Here’s the archived Superficial link. I’ll own it. — and she finally addressed the fucked-up system that kicked into place the minute she merely looked like she was outing Louis CK. Who again, for the record, admitted the accusations against him were true.

If you click anything I’ve suggested on this sprawling word behemoth, make it this.


Sarah Palin Wasn’t Invited To John McCain’s Funeral

There is a straight-as-a-fucking arrow, flashing neon line leading directly from John McCain letting the Republican Party choose Sarah Palin as his running mate and Donald Trump winning the presidency. So considering the damage that’s been done, how much mileage you get out of this information may vary.

Apparently, McCain’s biggest dying regret is that he didn’t stick with his guns and put Joe Lieberman on the ticket, which McCain took to the hole by making sure Palin was excluded from his funeral just like he did with Trump, the largest benefactor from her time moose-fucking the GOP into an even dumber pile of evangelical gun-nards.

*crickets*

Yeah, this did nothing for me either. Sonofabitch…


The Funniest Shit I Saw All Week

In case I haven’t pointed this out a hundred times, I’m old as balls and fell into a pretty dark pit after leaving The Superficial. In fact, privately, I might even say that I died and came back to life as Mike Redmond the Whi- no, wait, shit. I would not say that. Goddammit.

Anyway, this Twitter thread is a year old, but I almost killed myself after I saw it for the first time this week because I will never, ever in my life write anything this beautifully hilarious. You will name a child after me for bringing it to your attention, so you’re welcome.


The Stupidest Shit I Saw All Week

Remember when the Plinkett reviews of the Star Wars prequels dropped and we all lost our goddamn minds about how great they were?

We should not have done that.

This week, Plinkett published his review of The Last Jedi, and it is such sad, white, man-baby horseshit that I’m not even going to embed it. I knew something was going sideways with Red Letter Media when I watched their “re:view” of Ghostbusters, and it was two chunky dudes from the Midwest rolling their eyes about feminism. Which was not the problem with that movie, but I need to start pinching things off. (If you’re looking for solid videos on film criticism, Lindsay Ellis and Patrick (H) Willems are the only two people whose YouTube channels don’t make me curse God.)

So here’s a little Facebook gem that definitely tied for first. I was about to say it was a runner-up, but no, fuck this bullshit. It’s right up there.

(A Simpler Time/Facebook)

Did mowing the yard cover six rounds of chemo in 1989? Then blow me.


Mike Redmond is the former writer/editor of The Superficial. He lives in Pennsylvania with his wife and kids who think he’s just some weirdo with a computer. They’re not wrong. (Twitter | Email)

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