A Wednesday afternoon stroll in the park
“Your doctor sounds like a huge bitch.”
She laughed. “Not at all, I love her!”
Doesn’t sound like it, I thought.
It was a cold February afternoon and I was underdressed in a light hoodie. We were speed walking through central park, mainly for the warmth, just talking about stuff.
I needed her to help me with my daily video show, and probably more than that — as a friend.
She was using me in one of the two ways women tend to: Fitness knowledge.
“Haha, keep going,” I told her, implicitly agreeing that her doctor wasn’t so bad after all.
She explained that at 5’4” she fluctuates between 175–180. She was counting calories — 1400 per day. A mix of cardio and strength work. But no sustainable progress after several weeks.
This is a story I have heard before. And a situation I can fix. It’s my bread and butter. Fat loss for the general public. I was ready to paint a picture. To talk about adherence, miscalculating macros, optimizing training — cheat days, refeeds, fasting, hydration, scale swings, long game and having a specific reason for wanting to lose weight.
I was about to give her all the details and then pick them apart. Apply them to her unique situation. And create actionable steps. To reverse engineer her regimen, you could say, to fit her lifestyle.
But her mouth opened before mine.
“The thing is, Mike, I just want to love my body how it is.”
Ah yes. Self-love. A messy, confusing, hugely situational and even more hugely important concept.
How do you balance self-love with pursuing a better body? Or is it even possible?
I think we all agree that loving yourself is a good thing.
My friend Jessi talks about the importance of self love extensively. My friend Greg talks about satisfied in the present. I’m not going to expand on those ideas.
But if you really, truly, fully love yourself — there is absolutely no conceivable reason to pursue improved aesthetics. Right?
On the surface it seems logical.
But I disagree.
And I am going to use myself as an example.
Not because I’m a self absorbed attention whore, which is often what pushes me into the first person. Rather, because my degree of self-love AND the my phyisque have both changed dramatically over time.
In 2001 at the age of 14, I weighed 150 pounds.
I had zero muscle and a pudgy gut. I hated my body. I saw myself as weak and inferior. It deeply affected me and how I behaved and how much impact I was able to make on the world.
Today, in 2015 I weigh 180 pounds at 8% bodyfat year round. Do you want to know what I think when I look in the mirror?
It’s sick and probably vain and I actually feel pretty embarrassed as I hesitantly type this sentence, letter-by-letter, desperately searching for another way to make this point…
When I look in the mirror I think, holy shit my body is a specimen.
Now, I don’t spend hours gawking under good lighting (anymore, at least). But I would be lying if I said pool parties and beach days don’t excite me.
Whereas in 2001, I lost hours of my life to anxiousness and insecurity before a family spring break trip.
Today I can use those hours. I can do good things. I can spend quality time with people I love. I can write or shoot videos. I can help people achieve their goals.
Time is our most important asset, and by changing my body I have earned more time.
I now practice self-love in regards to my physical body.
Which begs the question:
How then, is it possible that I am currently training to grow my chest and arms and delts? Why do I want them to be slightly bigger?
Because self love and a desire to change can co-exist.
Now, I didn’t unload this first person monologue on my friend while crossing Park Ave. I’m actually more of a listener than a talker in real life.
Instead I told her that I didn’t have the answer. And we changed the subject.
But that was lame.
Here is what I should have said:
Yes, you should love yourself. And I want you to love yourself wholly and completely. And I think you should do whatever it takes to love yourself in every way, not just physically, because that will make you and everyone around you and the world better. But don’t use it as an excuse not to lose weight. I get that calorie deficits suck. I get that lunging through knee pain is brutal. I think making a physical transformation is one of the hardest things in the world. But don’t use self-love as a crutch. Don’t use it as an excuse to avoid putting in the work. Don’t rationalize yourself out of counting your macros and training because we should all love ourselves regardless of shape and size.
You should do both.
Love the shit out of yourself. But at the same time, work to improve. Work to achieve your goals. Work to ignore others and follow your intuition.
Balance self love with improving yourself, and you will win in a huge way.
