NBA Playoff Coaches: Hair Rankings
The NBA playoffs are in full swing. The New Orleans Pelicans are the first team to advance to the 2nd round while the Warriors were unable to eliminate the Spurs as Stephen Curry rooted from the stands. You could get this sort of NBA analysis everywhere, that’s not why you’re here. You are here to rank playoff coaches on their hair. You came to the right place.
The algorithm that ranks these coaches is unique and complex. It takes on many difference facets of hair, like product, wave, length, and so much more. After all the necessary information has been input, the system spits out a number falling somewhere between 1 and 5 Hamm’s. What’s a Hamm you ask? Great question.
Jon Hamm is known for many things but today we focus on the hair #HammHair. Hamm is the scale that all hair is graded. Let’s begin.
5. Brad Stevens: Boston Celtics
You don’t have to know a lot about me to figure out that any list I create is going to include some Boston things. Brad Stevens could be 19 or 47. I honestly don’t know. He comes in 5th on our list receving 2.5 Hamm’s. He looks like the kid who just graduated college and gets his first adult haircut. There is no more sun-in and no more product. I hope Stevens can handle receving only 2.5.
4. Steve Kerr: Golden State Warriors
Steve Kerr comes in 4th with 3.7 Hamm’s. Respectable. Steve rolls in like a Dad that’s still in touch with his coolness. He’s not trying too hard, but you can tell he still kinda gets it based on that cut. I would imagine that’s the same cut Kerr has had since he was 23. A #2 on the side and finger-length up top. I get you Steve, I’ve been there.
3. Mike D’antoni: Houston Rockets
Mike D’antoni just squeaked out a victor of Steve Kerr. I doubt he’ll have such luck come the Western Conference Finals. It’s hard to know for sure, but I do wonder if D’antoni was still sporting the ‘stache would have been able to crack the top 2. There’s nothing too crazy going on here. Similar to Kerr, but a little longer on top. This screams “I could be a member of Congress if I wanted to” cut.
2. Erik Spoelstra: Miami Heat
Erik must be thrilled that this piece is being written prior to game 5. There’s a good chance the Heat are no longer in contention within 48 hours. You might be asking the question “What’s the difference between Erik and Kerr? Also, why am I reading this?” Both valid questions, but I’m ujst going to tackle the first. Great observation. They are very close, but Erik’s feels less forced. That’s what the Hamm metric system is all about. Natural. That’s what separates the two. That kind of laid back flow almost propelled Erik to the top spot but it’s hard to compete with…
1. Quinn Snyder: Utah Jazz
Almost a perfect Hamm. Snyder’s got that type of hair that he could be the hero or the villan. It’s hard to tell. Essential in Hamm’ing. Snyder also has the Stevens vibe where he might be 29 or he might be 59. Even after a hard fought game, he’s still got the Hammage running high. Congrats to Quinn Snyder.
