Cats are Evil: Three Reasons Why You’ll Agree


Before you pore on and declare that your feline friend is different and a loving fur ball, hold your horses: this author thinks that cats are awesome, having one himself.

Say hi to Trek (dog) and Kaba (cat). They hate — but tolerate each other.

Anyway, felines are a fixture in homes and apartments — they make great companions and petting one is scientifically proven to release stress. Raising one will give you more gains than losses but despite the benefits of having them around, they’re still evil.

Photo from Guyen Moree

No, I’m not saying that they’re comparable to the guardians of Hell, but they’re just…well…evil in an inexplicably adorable way. Here’s why:

They Ignore You


In a journal published by the Animal Cognition Journal, cats actually recognize their owners voices. Basically, they can distinguish your voice from that of strangers’ and they actually HEAR and KNOW they are being called. Signs that they do include moving of the ears, head, paws and tail.

Question is, will they heed your calls? Chances are, they won’t. According to the above mentioned study, only a small percentage of the cats responded to the call, either by moving their tails or meowing.

Yeah, I hear ya, but I ain’t comin’. Photo from Martin Bahmann

So yeah, cats are jerks for ignoring you. However, there’s a scientific reason behind this: cats are independent animals and have not evolved to fully listen or follow a human being’s commands. Keep in mind that they have only been domesticated recently, unlike dogs whose ancestors have been with us since the Stone Ages. This is according to researchers at the University of Tokyo.

However, if they want your attention, they’ll conveniently jump on your torso, meow non-stop or scratch your door at four in the morning. They will also knock stuff off of the table…just to call you.

Cats Rub Themselves on You to Mark Ownership


If your kitty is in the mood to be petted, it will instinctively rub its body and cheeks all over your hands and legs. Awww… does that mean Mr. Whiskerton loves you? Nope. Nada. Nil.

Kaba with his pink collar, establishing his ownership by lying over me. He later chewed up the collar presumably after he found out I was making jokes about him wearing it on Facebook.

Although you have earned a cat’s trust if it does this to you on a regular basis, this gesture means that it is putting its scent — thus marking you and telling other cats that you’re private property. So yeah, you don’t own Mr. Whiskerton — he owns you (at least this is what he thinks).

Question: how do cats show affection? They simply stare with a relaxed expression and slowly blink. This gesture means that they welcome you with open paws and they feel safe around you. Remember though, be sure to differentiate a relaxed stare from a tense, unblinking one — the latter means that a bite is imminent and it doesn’t trust you.

Keep in mind that if a cat sleeps with you and allows you to rub its belly (they protect it because it is one of the most vulnerable parts of their body), it trusts and loves you. Don’t break it.

Dead Animals are NOT Gifts


Even domesticated cats are expert hunters. They can kill a snake with their ninja-like reflexes. Photo from Jennifer Barnard.

A dead rat, frog, bird, squirrels and birds are common fixtures in cat owners’ beds. These supposed “gifts” are either met with “Awwww, how sweet” or a “AAAAHHH GET IT OFF!”.

Regardless, most humans perceive it as a gift from their feline BFFs, with them presumably thinking that Mrs. Tibbles is telling them:

“I don’t want you to starve, my friend.”

Although we can’t discount this possibility, her act of charity likely means that it’s trying to say:

“Eat it up. You suck at hunting and I’m doing it for you.”

So ok, in one way or the other, it is a gift but given out of pity, not charity. If Mrs. Tibbles presented you with the spoils of her hunt, she’s expecting you chuck it in your mouth, chew and swallow.

Why would she do such a thing?

Well, she thinks you’re an incompetent hunter and it’s up to her to find food for you. Remember, don’t think ill of your cat for putting a dead mouse on your pillow,

This is a common sight for cat owners. Photo from Lxowle

because everyone wants breakfast in bed, right? Female cats are more likely to do this, simply because they have maternal instincts.

Note: Kaba did this to a two-year old toddler who stayed with us for a month.

Final thoughts


Must. Not. Touch. Belly. Photo from Oldbeeg.

Cats are evil — in twisted, loving, adorable kind of way. Although they are not as smart as dogs, they are more likely to survive in the wild, due to their independent nature (which is also why they choose to ignore you most of the time). Regardless if you have a feline friend or a canine companion, having an animal around will dish out a ton of emotional and health benefits.

Overall, cats are evil — which is why you should go to your animal shelter and adopt one immediately.

If you want a reason to own one, here goes:

This is Tara who made the headlines months ago after saving her boy owner from a rabid dog.

If you have amusing cat experiences, please say so in the comments!

PS: All the points discussed in this article are backed by research and is meant to be funny. This entry doesn’t bash cats — remember, the author is also an owner of and evil and loving cat!