Recovering Saboteur : a letter to myself on sabotaging my relationships
Hey there saboteur,
Its difficult to be self-aware. Moreover, have enough self-awareness to realise that even though I want to have meaningful friendships and be in love. It is my actions which are mostly to blame for my isolation. I have always pushed people away.
As a repeat offender, I fully realise that relationships are not an external force. Love doesn’t choose to strike me down, I am not a victim of fate. I am terrified of being in love and the relationship I am currently in is my longest relationship.
Countless people tell me, I have the perfect relationship. The amount of terror that brings me can’t be expressed because the truth is it is far from perfect. In self- delusion I used to agonise over how I could make it so… I will WILL it to BE PERFECT, but I can’t and that’s okay. We have managed to make it work even though we come from entirely different worlds, backgrounds even. Just that, for now, is enough to give me some relief at night, when the insecurities usually pop up. There are fights, it’s a healthy to disagree. I take ownership for my mistakes and verbalise that to him and to others.
It’s easy to blame my parents, social media, work, debt, my bf, myself for why it is difficult for me to have relationships. It’s embarrassing how much hard work I have to put in to get over the critical inner thinking to make actual steps towards solving some of my inner issues, to finally become an adult.
It cannot be done just once, or be solved with a few confessional rants to a therapist. This is an ongoing process, which can be at times painful but I prefer to look at it as a positive thing now because it is working. One year for me is a HUGGGGGEEE milestone.
I’m overcoming this, one day at a time. There will come a day when I don’t have to work at it so hard. I won’t have to hold myself, my tongue or keep my anger in check. If I feel scared and insecure, I have to remind myself that I know this feeling and stay present.
Being an adult even if you are an adult is hard. I have to let go of being childish, let go of being scared of being abandoned. I will never be, nor do I really want to be the centre of the universe for all the people I know. Being jealous only attracts despair and I can’t allow all my time to be consumed with my insecurities.
I am making this work with someone else, I am not alone. We are fixing all the cracks that can be fixed and learning to appreciate all the cracks that can’t. It will never be too late for me.
Letting go of the cycle of blame that comes with loneliness has made all the difference and I hope by sharing my inner thinking can help someone to let go and instead of blaming, to break the cycle and make a change for themselves.