Why do you have to get up so early?

Dear Mila,

Why do you have to get up so early? It’s 5am and we’re sitting on the couch together, in silence, while you hold onto a piece of my hair. I tried putting you on the ground to play, and you cried. I tried giving you a waffle, and you cried. I tried putting you back to bed, and you cried. All you want to do is sit next to me and hold my hair with your eyes barely half open. Why? I’m tired. You’re tired. No one else we know is awake. We should be back in bed, snuggled with our respective blankies (your small square of fabric and my 5 pillows), dreaming about sleeping in until 9am.

It makes no sense to me why you want to get up so early just to sit in silence and do nothing. Is it because I let you nap too long during the day? Is it because you love me so much that you’d rather be awake and miserable sitting next to me than asleep by yourself? Is it because you’re slightly evil? Maybe it’s a little of all 3.

You see, because you woke us both up so early, the entire day has to be calculated in an attempt to get you back on schedule. I need to make sure you’re getting enough sleep during the day so you’re not overtired and awful all day. You’ll want to sleep until noon for your morning nap, but I’m going to have to wake you up at 11am. You’ll be tired and crabby for 3 hours before I put you down for your second nap. I know I should only let you sleep for 1.5 hours, but there’s definitely a chance you’ll sleep for 2 hours or more and I’m tempted to let you do it because I AM. SO. TIRED. After you wake up (after my conscience gets the best of me and I wake you up on time) I will spend the next 4 hours before bedtime doing my best to tire you out physically and mentally with toys, puzzles, playgrounds and chasing dogs in hopes that you’ll be so exhausted you’ll sleep until 7am. At 8pm I’ll put you to bed fully convinced that you are so exhausted you will indeed sleep for 11 hours.

But no. That almost never happens. The next morning it’s the same thing. Over and over and over. And I’m running out of hair for you to pull. Are you just mad that I butchered your bangs and now you’re torturing me by waking me up early to slowly pull out my hair?

I may be losing my mind.

I should probably just give up drinking wine and watching The Office reruns late at night, but I’m trying desperately to hold onto a thread of my pre-baby life so as not to lose myself in mommyhood. Every night I think “I should just go to bed. Do I need to watch Jim declare his love for Pam again?” If I went to bed earlier I would wake up rested and could potentially move out of the “average mom” bracket and into the “slightly above average” bracket. I could start making baby food instead of buying it, organize Mila’s diaper bag or bake miniature muffins or whatever it is that exceptionally good moms do. But those few hours between Mila’s bedtime and mine are all I have for myself. It’s when I get to take my Mom Hat off and be a normal adult who doesn’t speak enthusiastically about everything or sing songs about changing diapers and putting on pants. To limit that time even more seems almost self-destructive.

So the answer is YES. YES I DO NEED TO WATCH JIM DECLARE HIS LOVE FOR PAM AGAIN. At least for now. And if it ever becomes acceptable for me to drink wine while I supervise Mila at the playground, maybe I’ll stop staying up so late.