Why We Live In Dependence On Others And How To Break Free
We have all experienced the feeling of dependence on others at some point in our lives. Whether it be a dependence on our parents, partners, friends, or even our colleagues, it can be a difficult cycle to break. The reason for this dependence is often rooted in the vertical relationships we have with others, which were instilled in us through a system of praise and blame. However, it is important to note that we should be focusing on horizontal relationships instead.
“An inferiority complex developed in childhood is overcompensated with the pursuit of power. Power elevates us, places us above all others. A major drive for power lies in the urge for self-actualisation.”
- Alfred Adler
Vertical relationships are those in which one person is seen as higher or more powerful than the other. This can be seen in parent-child relationships, where the parent holds a position of authority. It can also be seen in boss-employee relationships, where the boss has the power to give orders and delegate tasks. These types of relationships often lead to feelings of dependence, as the person in the lower position may feel the need to please or gain approval from the person in the higher position.
On the other hand, horizontal relationships are those in which both parties are seen as equal. These types of relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding, and they allow for a more open and honest exchange of ideas. They also allow for a sense of independence and autonomy, as there is no power imbalance.
So, how can we break free from the cycle of dependence and move towards horizontal relationships? Here are three solutions:
1. Reflect on your current relationships
Take some time to think about the relationships you currently have and identify which are vertical and which are horizontal. Once you have a clear understanding of these relationships, you can start to shift your focus to building more horizontal relationships.
2. Practice assertiveness
In vertical relationships, it can be easy to fall into the trap of agreeing with others even when you don’t agree with them. To break free from this cycle, it’s important to practice assertiveness and learn to speak your mind.
3. Seek out like-minded people
Surround yourself with people who share your values and beliefs. This can help to create a sense of community and belonging, and it can also provide a support system for when you are working on breaking free from dependence.
The Way Out
“The “feeling of inferiority” requires “compensation” by turning to the community.”
- Alfred Adler
By breaking free from our dependence on others, we can better understand and recognize ourselves and our needs. We can free ourselves from the expectations of others and focus on our own well-being. However, it takes work and a willingness to confront our own thoughts and feelings. Here are some steps that can help move from a vertical to a horizontal interpersonal relationship:
Reflect on your relationships
Check if there are people in your life who you feel dependent on and why. Are there any patterns of behaviour in your life that you have unconsciously anticipated over the years? Are you perhaps even imitating someone’s behaviour? Look closely at what your self-esteem is based on. Identify the expectations you have for these relationships and if they are mutual.
Set boundaries
Learn to say no and protect your own needs and desires. If someone crosses your boundaries, talk about it and set clear consequences if they are not respected.
Find independence
Look for ways to develop your skills and interests and strengthen your independence. This can be done through education, career development or by discovering hobbies and leisure activities.
Learn to make your own decisions
Stop making decisions based on the opinions and expectations of others. Trust your own intuition and learn to take responsibility for your decisions.
Breaking Free is a process
It is important to understand that breaking free from dependencies is a process and that there will always be challenges. But over time and with the willingness to change, we can move away from vertical relationships and move towards the horizontal level where we can live more independently and happily.
