Eye am sick of this.

A story by Milan Sarić


So yesterday I tried to watch I Origins… Yeah… I got 40 minutes in and then said NOPE! This is one of the worst movies I've ever watched. And here’s why:

1. The cinematography is god awful.

Remember the over use of shaky cam in Breaking Bad season 1? Before Michael Slovis created the style we know and love today? Well this movie is worse, it’s like Micheal Bay and Breaking Bad season 1 had a love child that was then molested by Chris Brown for a good 12 years, and then that child shot this movie. This movie doesn't have 1 non shaky scene. And I looked for it, believe me I looked. Every frame is shaky. It’s beyond distracting, it’s sloppy, and looks like they hired my 75 year old grandma to hold the camera. And that’s not OK, she’s old. And the editing is so bad and distracting, it’s worse than a poorly edited action scene of today.

I swear this is easier to follow.

2. Symbolism.

You know, I hate the way this movie looks, but if the story was great I wouldn't care, but no, oh no, this is insane! Let’s start with symbolism.

You know that small relatively indie book from a relatively unknown indie author, F. Scott Fitzgerald? The one released in 1925? Yeah, The Great Gatsby, it uses the eye symbol as a symbol for god, and it’s quite clever really, it’s subtle, you have to read between the lines to get it, and it works. Now take a look at this:

10th image on Google Image search.

Seems quite similar, but I can’t quite put my finger on it… There is a truly beautiful scene in this movie, he goes searching for her, finds her in a bus following the number 11(yes yes, this movie is dumb remember) and not knowing what to say, puts his headphones on her head and play some music, she walks out, he follows her. And than at the end of this scene they start kissing, quite beautiful really, and in a better movie, it would end and not shove symbolism down our throats, but remember we’re talking about this. They don’t oh no, the camera has to pan to her boobs, fan-service is strong in this one(sorry it’s artsy and edgy), and we see the all seeing eye, the eye of Horus.

This thing.

And for those of you who are twelve, the eye of Horus is in the eyes of many people, who believe that Jesus is just a “modern” day clone of Ancient Egypt's god Horus, just the prototype of the signature Freemasons symbol, the all seeing eye.

Illuminati confirmed.

So yes, this girl is the actual god. And if you miss that fact you probably haven’t seen more than two movies in your lifetime. And that would be fine in a good movie, but oh no, this girl literally dies for our sins. Yup. If you can make symbols any more obvious you would be hamfisting them down our throats. Not that they don’t already do that, they do, but hey.

Every character in this movie is just a cookie cutter cliche. No personality what so ever. At one point he goes searching for her in a Starbuck, and what book does he bring, remember he’s sophisticated and really really smart, Richard Dawkins. Yes, Richard fucking Dawkins. It’s like the director thinks we’re children and if the symbol doesn't scream from 100 miles away, it’s just not good enough.

Symbolism done right.

3. The dialog, oh god the dialog.

Hopefully everybody knows what Nolanism is. But just in case, it’s a type of dialog, often found in Christopher Nolan movies, where the director just doesn't have the time, and everything has to sound important and grand. You’re taking a shit? Talk about the meaning of love. You’re taking out the garbage? That’s an obvious symbol for the state of the third world. Yes that kind of thing. This movie is FULL of them. EVERY last line has to be grand, it has to be important. So much so, that near the beginning of this movie there’s a scene where the main character and his best friend sit and the main character start randomly talking in Nolanism and the friend starts trolling him for it. And it’s amazing, it’s self referential, funny, everything. Too bad the rest of the movie is just Nolanism. NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT! EVER! It’s worse than anything Nolan has ever written. At least Nolan movies are epic. This isn't. This is average at best, and boring normal life at worst.

At least this is epic.

4. Twists and turns.

  • 8 minutes into Birdman, I've noticed there wasn't a single cut and was on the edge of my seat ever since.
  • 8 minutes into Guardians of the Galaxy, I was enjoying every damn second of it.
  • 8 minutes into Gone Girl, I was intrigued and wanted to see where the story went.
  • 8 minutes into this, I wrote what I thought the twist will be in the end. And in all honesty I didn't get it 100% but that’s not on me, the story is bat-shit insane, however I guessed enough to know where this story was going. Yes this edgy artistic never before seen vision was so cliched and predictable that even though it was insane, I guessed 70% of the story 8 minutes in.

M. Night Shyamalan wrote better twists then this, and I don’t mean The Sixth Sense, yes Shymalamadingdong thinks your twist is stupid and predictable. Think of that what you will.

No movie even he doesn't like it.

I think that above all else I hate this movie for two reason.

  1. Sometimes I enjoy bad movies, I actually enjoyed my time with The Room, I laughed at Grown Ups 2, I enjoy my mindless summer blockbuster, but this movie makes one cardinal sin. It is not fun! Say what you will about mindless movies, they’re at the very least fun. And this movie sucked all the fun out of it with a giant straw.
  2. The acting, and the acting direction in this movies was truly great. And you can see the actors are enjoying themselves and the director, but what can you do when they have an god awful script filled with cliches and bad Shamalamadingdong style twists.

And I think there in lays the biggest problem. This director can direct, he just can’t produce, write and edit at the same time. So dude stick to what you know and can do well and we might still see each other.

With all that said this movie gets my rating of:

PENISHAIR


Milan Sarić is a graphic designer from Serbia, you can follow him on Twitter.

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