Remembering to show her I care

I used to do a lot of nice, thoughtful things for my wife.

I remember spending hours planning fun dates to take my wife on when we were dating in high school and college. I’d plan elaborate, all-day excursions that showed her new worlds and sides of me. She loved the big gestures, but she loved all of the frequent smaller ones too. Most days I would bring her her favorite drink from Sonic - a cherry limeade with extra cherry and little ice. I always got her the ultra-huge Route 44 size just to make her smile and watch her small hands struggle with the gargantuan drink, even though I knew she would never drink it all. I wrote her random notes in class that shared something about myself or something that I liked about her, giving her the note between classes with a smile and a kiss.

I used to spend hours holding her and talking to her when she was sick. I didn’t care about my health, instead I cared about her keeping her sane. I would hold her, rub her back, and tell her stories of our future - trips to Rome, Paris, Spain, and the pyramids. I’d even speak Spanish and French to her to help her visualize it, although she had no idea what I was saying. Then when she was better I would create a scrapbook as if we really had taken the trip in order for her to know I was serious about that being our future.

Now that we’re married and off on our own, I can’t remember the last time I did any of those things. My love for her hasn’t vanished, it’s simply that I have a lot more on my mind with a career and a budget than I did back in school. And as awful as it is to say, I got her to marry me so what more do I need to do?

It’s absolutely more difficult for me to remember to take the time and energy to show her that I still care, but I still need to - she deserves it and I do want her to know what she means to me. Being a pretty methodical and analytical person, I’ve come up with a method that I’ve recognized as a way to come up with ideas for gestures that used to be to easy for me: LIE.

• Listen - this has gotten much harder for me. With lots of other things going on, it’s hard to really hear and remember what she says. She mentions lots of ideas but I rarely remember them when I’m trying to come up with an idea for something to do for her.
• Incorporate - Don’t just come up with random stuff. When I listen and remember, it’s easy to understand what direction my plans should go in. This also involves incorporating things about myself, as she’s always looking to learn more about me. She also feels more connected to me if I share something about myself with her.
• Execute - this is the part I’ve always been good at. Carry out the plan! Although, this has gotten harder too. Even remembering to take the time to do something nice for her has been difficult.

Being a geeky person, I’m working on getting better through raw effort, but I also think technology and analytics can help. The quantified self movement has helped people floss more, but it’s time it does something to help us strengthen the relationships we care most about.