Last week I found out that I have ADHD
it’s the combined type – inattentiveness + hyperactivity / impulsivity.
People with ADHD have brains that are ‘NOT NEURAL TYPICAL. Yes! ~ it’s essentially an issue with the way my brain works or is wired wrongly (rightly!) – cool hey! And the reason why I find it impossible to not impulsively want to support anyone I meet – until they leave and I forget!
It’s also why I find it so hard to actually do anything (note I’ve always had the support of two of the most Do-er based humans I’ve ever met, my wife Lis, and my best mate and co founder sinx. Thank fuck for them!) – my role at ustwo was to relentlessly expect and require more of the next thing.
It’s been a weird week. I just feel a little weird. Not weird as in weird weird, because I know I am weird. But weird as in slightly detached and needing to express through this post (note it’s weirdly important to feel like I am connecting to some of you through this piece – that’s exactly why I am writing it)
When you’re finally diagnosed with something that essentially flags that you’re different it’s easy to feel angry, sad and slightly weirded out. I’ve been feeling all of the above.
I’ve always known I’m dealing with dyslexia and now I have to post rationalise this new diagnosis.
Initially I think I felt embarrassed. Am I weird? Who actually am I… all the wonderful traits which I’ve loved that stand me apart aren’t even actually conscious… I’m a fake human! Fuck.
The fact is I always felt different, and I always wanted to be different. And now I feel that I have a different badge which I can actually be proud of. I know I will ultimately see it as my superpower. I can label myself officially as different… yes!
All of a sudden so much makes sense, so many actions I’ve made, reactions I’ve had, decisions I’ve made (or not made!).
Everything has been because of my ability (necessity!) to think different. Annoyingly I think I thought I was doing this consciously but it’s now clearer to me that I’ve never actually been in direct control. I’ve just gone with the way I feel.
It’s helped me understand so much about the way my mind whirs and why I’ve been the way I have been.
It’s helped Lis, my wife, better compute the last 22 years of our lives. It’s actually brought us even closer than ever.
Apparently the last few years as I’ve been less distracted by building ustwo (far more talented people do that now) my quirks have been amplified and it’s been even more tiring for her.
But! worth noting that she said in a text to me shortly after the diagnosis that ‘she feels even more protective of me now she has an explanation for the why of my behaviour – the part worth noting is that I really loved reading that part. Knowing that someone looks out for me. Wow. That’s just some feels I wanted to put down. I adore Lis.
I Worked out why alcohol and other such wonders have helped me over the years… in the day to day my brain is never not whirring, I wake up and it’s go go go and I can’t stop thinking about stuff but it’s alll over the place and never focused and it’s all about hype.
(coffee is actually good for ADHD as it allows a channel of focus via the stimulant)
Alcohol etc slows my world right down and allows me to just chill and forget about needing more and more hype. I’m tired of always being go go go. In the last few years it’s become an issue in my head as I can feel I live right on the edge of highs and lows. Never the dull middle ground!
I’m currently talking to Lis about wether we experiment with the drugs or not (Elvanse which is a stimulant or Atomoxetine – non stimulant) I’m scared both ways… it’s a little terrifying. Apparently I can take pills that last for 24 hours… perhaps time to experiment.
The thought that these drugs could give me the rest bite I’ve been craving is wonderfully tempting, but he fear that they may wipe away some of what I’ve come to love about me is just a tad bongo…
Jeeeez…. life is a wonderful thing. Thanks for reading. Life is about connection and if this has connected me to you for even a split second I’ll feel good.
Read more here
Taking my first medication
The incredible transformation
Reordering my priorities
