HOW PANIC DISORDER CHANGED MY LIFE

As long as I can remember I was curious about what is death and what happens when the lights go dim. It takes one moment for everything you know to disappear. Every thought, idea, memory, sight, emotion, hope, smile, love…

That feeling of nothingness scared me even when I was a child. The feeling of not existing and not being able to see what life can become was just too much. Curiosity led me to obsession and in 2008 it took a dark turn from an already dark place to my first anxiety attack. Bottling up all those questions and fears all these years have finally had a big impact on me. I didn’t sleep that school year. Every night both of my parents were with me, they were talking to me, trying to convince me that nothing would happen. Very soon, the summer of 2009 came by where I thought I defeated my fears. A couple years after in 2013 it all came back to me. This time even worse than the first. I couldn’t go anywhere and if I did all symptoms like rapid heartbeat, cutting knives inside my body, legs of jelly and so much more. I felt like I was going to faint. Now imagine three years of that plus or minus with minor fears in some situations. I admit I was lost for too long. I didn’t know how to communicate with others. I was afraid of so many things and on top of that was that fear of being left out from everything.

Being in a dark place for too long made me realize that it doesn’t matter when we will die. Some die later, some die sooner but eventually, we all die. It’s like going to the dentist but a lot worse in my opinion. It is about what we do NOW in the PRESENT moment. Being in the present and not worrying about the what ifs, truly makes us live in the NOW.

There will always be those people who will judge you, dislike you, and detest you in so many ways. Always think and rethink your actions before you do them because it may hurt someone for the rest of their life. Just realize this: Everyone is fighting their own battle that you know nothing about. No matter what I was before, I wasn’t a bad person.

Any pain is hard to have in life but I believe that if we don’t let it define us it will build us up. Pain is both good and bad. We are what we choose to be. I don’t know your pain or what are you going through but remember that we have this life and this life only. Don’t let fear define you. Fear is only a chemical reaction we have in our brain, so technically fear isn’t real but rather the reaction we have to something is.

Stay strong and believe in yourself. You don’t have a reason not to.

Milos Brakus

P.S. Smile…always…without a reason in the world!